Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 27, 2007 - November 2, 2007 | Issue 43•43

Not-So-Horrible Thing Happens In Iraq

BAGHDAD—In a development Pentagon officials are calling not nearly as horrifying as usual, three car bombs ripped through a Baghdad marketplace Monday, killing fewer than 15...

Sugar Ray Thrilled To Be Playing In Man's Head

issue 4343 | 10.27.07 | News

SAN DIEGO—"It's great to be back," announced frontman Mark McGrath, whose band followed thoughts of a turkey sandwich and a reminder... more»
Report: Everyone In Hollywood Great Friends

issue 4343 | 10.26.07 | News

LOS ANGELES—Evidence shows that Hollywood is a town of boundless goodwill and camaraderie, where backstabbing, ego-rivalry, and grudge-holding... more»
Lethal Injection Ban Leads To Rise In Back-Alley Lethal Injections

issue 4343 | 10.24.07 | News

TALLAHASSEE,FL—"If governors can't execute prisoners legally in prisons, they're going to turn elsewhere for the procedure," said Dr.... more»
Area Man To Start Curling His 2s

issue 4343 | 10.26.07 | News In Brief

BURLINGTON, VT—After nearly 30 years of forming his 2s in a "sober, ordinary" fashion, local resident Howard Shorn announced his... more»
Small Change In Procedure Wendy's Manager's Crowning Achievement

issue 4343 | 10.25.07 | News In Brief

MERIDIAN, ID—Manager Duane Robert's 12-year career at Wendy's climaxed in a moment of triumph Tuesday, when his longtime condiment... more»
Doll-Housing Crisis Set To Worsen, Mean Older Brother Says

issue 4343 | 10.23.07 | News In Brief

DAYTON, OH—According to 5-year-old Janie Wright's mean older brother, Dave, 8, if unsuitable borrowers Ken and Barbie continue to default... more»
Scientists Theorize What Would Happen If They Touched A Cloud

issue 4343 | 10.23.07 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—A group of scientists from the University of Chicago raised new questions during an international nephology conference held... more»
FDA: Juicy Green Apple Conditioner Best Used With Juicy Green Apple Shampoo

issue 4343 | 10.22.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a warning issued by the Food and Drug Administration Monday, a generous amount of Suave Naturals Juicy... more»
Red Sox Attempt To Break Fabled 'Curse Of Relief Pitcher Curtis Leskanic'

issue 4343 | 10.25.07 | Sports News

BOSTON—The Boston Red Sox, who have failed to win a single World Series since the departure of relief pitcher Curtis Leskanic in 2004, are... more»
Colorado Rockies Trademark 'Rocktober'

issue 4343 | 10.26.07 | American Voices

To celebrate their first trip to the World Series, the Colorado Rockies are designating the month of October "Rocktober," and the team is seeking... more»
Bin Laden Tape Urges Iraq Unity

issue 4343 | 10.25.07 | American Voices

In a new audio tape, Ossama bin Laden encourages Iraqi insurgents to stop infighting and unite against the occupying forces. What do you think? more»
Middle School Dispenses Birth Control

issue 4343 | 10.24.07 | American Voices

After 17 pregnancies were reported in its three muddle schools in four years, the school board of Portland, ME, voted to allow the middle school... more»
Rowling: 'Dumbledore Is Gay'

issue 4343 | 10.23.07 | American Voices

At a public appearance at Carnegie Hall in New York, author J.K. Rowling announced that Dumbledore, the headmaster character in her popular Harry... more»
Boomers On Social Security

issue 4343 | 10.22.07 | American Voices

The first U.S. baby boomer, born one second after midnight on January 1, 1946, has applied for Social Security benefits. What do you think? more»
Archangel Gabriel Has Great Idea For Screenplay

issue 4343 | 10.29.07 | Radio
Microsoft Sold To Crows

issue 4343 | 10.28.07 | Radio
Hippie Dances Ecstatically

issue 4343 | 10.27.07 | Radio
Stupid Fucking Mistake Ruining Whole Fucking Day

issue 4343 | 10.26.07 | Radio
Area Man Not Interested In Your Life Story

issue 4343 | 10.25.07 | Radio
Zeus Takes Form Of Shirtless Man

issue 4343 | 10.24.07 | Radio
Crossword Editor Obviously Guilty In String Of Nurse Murders

issue 4343 | 10.23.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - October 22, 2007

issue 4343 | 10.22.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Megachurch Threatened By New Ultrachurch

issue 4343 | 10.23.07 | News In Photos
It's Not Easy Being A Frotteur

issue 4343 | 10.24.07 | Commentary

I know what you're thinking: Surreptitiously rubbing one's crotch against nonconsenting women in crowded areas in order to achieve sexual... more»
Slow Down, Technology!

issue 4343 | 10.24.07 | Columnists

If any of my loyal readers felt a cold draft when opening this morning's paper, it's because hell just froze over. That's right! Ol' Roger... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4343 | 10.23.07 | Horoscopes
Writers Strike Looming

issue 4343 | 10.24.07 | Infographic

The contract for the Writers Guild of America, the organization to which most writers for television and film belong, expires on Oct. 31,... more»
Who's Our Role Model?

issue 4343 | 10.24.07 | Statshot
Live From Congress: Representative Wants To See, Meet More Kids Online

issue 4343 | 10.25.07 | Video

Rep. Gelinas proposes an educational bill to increase the number of young people he meets in under-13 chat rooms. more»
Preemptive Memorial Honors Future Victims Of Imminent Dam Disaster

issue 4343 | 10.22.07 | Video

Officials in California dedicated the Folsom Dam Memorial, which will honor the nearby residents that will die when the faulty dam fails. more»
Safety

issue 4343 | 11.13.07 | Slideshow
Political Campaigns

issue 4343 | 10.23.07 | Slideshow
That One Bob Guy And Why He Can Go Fuck Himself

issue 4343 | 10.26.07 | Sunday Magazine
David Ortiz Incorporates Champagne Goggles Into Everyday Uniform

issue 4343 | 10.25.07 | Photo Finish
Grandson Warned Not To Get Too Attached

issue 4343 | 10.23.07 |
Disgusting Restaurant Now Open Later

issue 4343 | 10.23.07 |
Aging Nerds Can't Believe They're Already Up To TI-92 Graphing Calculators

issue 4343 | 10.23.07 |
Prostitute Accepts Better-Paying Sexual Position

issue 4343 | 10.23.07 |