Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 3, 2007 - November 9, 2007 | Issue 43•44

Gerbil Growing Distant

TEMPE, AZ—Calling his pet "a completely different gerbil" than the one he brought home from the store, Doug Kerlin, 34, told reporters Tuesday that he fears the small mammal is growing...

Fancy Man Enjoys Tea

issue 4344 | 11.03.07 | News

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—"I normally have some Earl Grey in the morning," said Baumer, referring to the tea named after a guy who ran around England in a... more»
Mel Brooks Starts Nonprofit Foundation To Save Word 'Schmuck'

issue 4344 | 11.02.07 | News

NEW YORK—The organization has compiled schmuck-related data revealing that, in 2006, the word was spoken a mere 28 times—17 of these by... more»
Child On White House Tour Momentarily Seizes Control Of Nation

issue 4344 | 10.31.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Myers spent much of his reign, which lasted from approximately 2:00 p.m. to 2:15 p.m., spinning in circles in the... more»
Third-Person Limited Omniscient Narrator Blown Away By Surprise Ending

issue 4344 | 11.02.07 | News In Brief

PROVIDENCE, RI—The third-person limited omniscient voice, a narrative mode used to convey a story through the thoughts and senses of a... more»
Most Items At Garage Sale Haunted

issue 4344 | 11.01.07 | News In Brief

CARBONDALE, PA—According to area bargain hunters, the majority of the dusty, cobweb-covered items at local resident Kelly Moore's... more»
Pool Cues Go Unused In Disappointing Bar Fight

issue 4344 | 10.31.07 | News In Brief

SIOUX CITY, IA—Patrons of the Clover Leaf Tavern expressed dismay Saturday after a fight between Jeffrey Kline, 32, and James Dougherty,... more»
Political Scientists Discover New Form Of Government

issue 4344 | 10.30.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Political scientists at the Cato Institute announced Monday that they have inadvertently synthesized a previously... more»
Postmaster General: 'Letter Carrier Surge Is Working'

issue 4344 | 10.29.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In testimony before Congress Tuesday, beleaguered Postmaster General John E. Potter stated that last month's nationwide... more»
Slow Month In Baseball Saved By A-Rod

issue 4344 | 11.01.07 | Sports News

DENVER—Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez found a way to inject some excitement into baseball and make the slow month of October... more»
Seinfeld's Return

issue 4344 | 11.02.07 | American Voices

Nine years after his eponymous television show went off the air, Jerry Seinfeld is making a splash with his new film Bee Movie. What do... more»
Uruguay First To Buy Cheap Laptops

issue 4344 | 11.01.07 | American Voices

Uruguay has become the first country to order the famed "$100" laptops, with a contract to buy 100,000 of the devices for the country's... more»
Iraqi Diplomat Draft?

issue 4344 | 10.31.07 | American Voices

The State Department has said that it may force Foreign Service staff to serve in the U.S. embassy in Baghdad if they do not get enough volunteers... more»
The Child Labor Gap

issue 4344 | 10.30.07 | American Voices

Clothing retailer The Gap Inc. was forced to disavow a factory in India that was revealed to have been employing young children to make Gap... more»
Roomba Maker Unveils Military Robot

issue 4344 | 10.29.07 | American Voices

The manufacturer of the home-vacuuming robot Roomba unveiled a military robot that can be fitted with guns and carry up to 500 pounds. What do... more»
Missing Hubcap Found Face Down In Ditch

issue 4344 | 11.05.07 | Radio
Giant 6-Year-Old Devastates Ant Community

issue 4344 | 11.04.07 | Radio
Area Idea So Crazy It Just Might Work

issue 4344 | 11.03.07 | Radio
Student Council Campaign Raises $130 Million

issue 4344 | 11.02.07 | Radio
Area Sales Staff Jealous Of Dead Coworker

issue 4344 | 11.01.07 | Radio
Count Dracula Stripped Of Title By Transylvanian Authorities

issue 4344 | 10.31.07 | Radio
Area Woman Saved From Burning Wreck Only To Die 40 Years Later

issue 4344 | 10.30.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - October 29, 2007

issue 4344 | 10.29.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Bike Helmet Protects Child From Helmet-Inspired Beating

issue 4344 | 10.30.07 | News In Photos
If I Die, Please Finish This Sandwich

issue 4344 | 10.31.07 | Commentary

It's never pleasant to think about, but the fact is, someday I will die. It's true that I am in relatively good health and should have many... more»
I'm Quite Eccentric Within Accepted Societal Norms

issue 4344 | 10.31.07 | Commentary

Last week, I was feeling a little, but not excessively, crazy. I'd fallen into a boring routine and it was time to shake things up. So you... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4344 | 10.30.07 | Horoscopes
Banking Industry On Hard Times

issue 4344 | 10.31.07 | Infographic

The banking industry is being hit hard by the subprime loan collapse. Bank of America laid off 3,000 workers and Merrill Lynch posted its... more»
What's The Moral Of Our Story?

issue 4344 | 10.31.07 | Statshot
Christian Charity Raising Money To Feed Non-Gay Famine Victims

issue 4344 | 11.01.07 | Video

A Colorado-based Christian charity is providing aid for any and all heterosexual Africans in need. more»
Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again

issue 4344 | 10.29.07 | Video

Modesto, CA residents turned out for the city's annual Ninja Parade, where no ninjas were seen for the 30th year in a row. more»
'Oh What A Shame': And Other Phrases To Help You Get Through The Crisis In Burma

issue 4344 | 11.02.07 | Sunday Magazine
Steve Nash Shoots Up 14" In Offseason

issue 4344 | 11.01.07 | Photo Finish
Fat Version Of Self Spotted

issue 4344 | 10.30.07 |
Coworkers To Hang Out After Work To Catch Up On What's Wrong At Work

issue 4344 | 10.30.07 |
Charity Walk Accidentally Raises Awareness Of Vehicular Manslaughter

issue 4344 | 10.30.07 |
Tugboat Dealer Can Really See You In Tugboat

issue 4344 | 10.30.07 |