Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 24, 2007 - November 30, 2007 | Issue 43•47

Convention-Goer Has High Hopes For Hilarious Name Tag

CUMBERLAND, RI—In keeping with a tradition he started nine years ago, Bearing Service & Supply sales representative Steve Carlson told reporters Thursday that he will once again don a humorous name tag at this weekend's annual Rhode Island Fluid Power...

Online Couple Never Chats Anymore

issue 4347 | 11.24.07 | News

Seattle—"Sometimes I wonder what I ever saw in his online profile," said Baxter, who couldn’t remember the last time she and Tim Siegal... more»
Proposed Bill Would Bring 4,000 Troops Back To Life

issue 4347 | 11.21.07 | News

WASHINGTON—According to Congress, the bill is the most effective way to ensure that the growing casualty rate in Iraq is instantly reversed and... more»
U.S. Postal Service Destroyed By Four Reckless Teens In Car

issue 4347 | 11.19.07 | News

WASHINGTON—The agency is seeking supplemental funding to clean up the letters, packages, and crushed Budweiser can the teens left in their wake. more»
What's-His-Face Fires Publicist

issue 4347 | 11.23.07 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—What's-his-face, possibly best known for his recurring role in a series of pretty big action movies from the past few... more»
Area Man Asked To Shoot Janice An E-mail

issue 4347 | 11.22.07 | News In Brief

DOVER, MD—According to fellow employees who observed the scene, office assistant Brian Rockwell has been asked to shoot Janice an... more»
Buoyant Force On Area Object Equal To Weight Of Water Displaced

issue 4347 | 11.21.07 | News In Brief

BROWNSVILLE, AR—An area object partially immersed in a liquid was buoyed upward Tuesday by a force equal to the weight of the liquid... more»
Loss Of Virginity More Humiliating Than Original Virginity

issue 4347 | 11.20.07 | News In Brief

COLUMBUS, OH—The shame, humiliation, and ridicule local teen Brandon Means suffered from being the only member of his peer group still... more»
Monopoly Releases Special 'Regular Monopoly' Edition

issue 4347 | 11.19.07 | News In Brief

PAWTUCKET, RI—Following the success of its Star Wars Monopoly, I Love Lucy Monopoly, College Monopoly, Monopoly Junior, and Monopoly... more»
Gin-Soaked Craig Kilborn Shows Up Broke, Homeless At SportsCenter Studio

issue 4347 | 11.22.07 | Sports News

BRISTOL, CT—Craig Kilborn, the former host of The Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn, actor from the film The... more»
Study: Acupuncture Works

issue 4347 | 11.23.07 | American Voices

A recent German study demonstrated that acupuncture, even fake acupuncture, worked better than conventional care to relieve chronic back pain. What... more»
New Drug Lengthens Eyelashes

issue 4347 | 11.22.07 | American Voices

A glaucoma drug called Lumigan is now being marketed for its side effect of growing eyelashes longer. What do you think? more»
ADHD Brains Develop More Slowly

issue 4347 | 11.21.07 | American Voices

Children and adolescents with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder have been shown to have slower development in certain regions of the brain.... more»
Pot Smokers Well-Adjusted

issue 4347 | 11.20.07 | American Voices

A recent Swiss survey reveals that that teenagers who smoke marijuana function better than those who also use tobacco. What do you think? more»
Rove New Newsweek Columnist

issue 4347 | 11.19.07 | American Voices

Newsweek magazine hired the president's former deputy chief of staff, Karl Rove, as a columnist last week. What do you think? more»
Civil War Enthusiasts Burn Atlanta To Ground

issue 4347 | 11.25.07 | Radio
Earth Made Child-Safe

issue 4347 | 11.24.07 | Radio
Sperm Bank In Thailand Hands Out Free Samples

issue 4347 | 11.23.07 | Radio
Blown Kiss Ducked Under

issue 4347 | 11.22.07 | Radio
Bored Sea Captain Secretly Marries Crew To Each Other

issue 4347 | 11.21.07 | Radio
Officer Passed Over For General Still Asked To Contribute Battle Plans

issue 4347 | 11.20.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - November 19, 2007

issue 4347 | 11.19.07 | Editorial Cartoon
India Holds 5K Stampede For Charity

issue 4347 | 11.20.07 | News In Photos
What Kind Of Powdered Chocolate Drink Mix Have We Unleashed Upon The World?

issue 4347 | 11.21.07 | Commentary

Gentlemen: By the time you read this, I will have passed from this vale of tears. Please let Linda know how I loved her, though truly she... more»
America Looks Like It Could Use Some Cheering Up

issue 4347 | 11.21.07 | Commentary

Something is amiss in these United States. A pall cast over the land that forebodes a looming sense of dread. The laughter of average Americans... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4347 | 11.20.07 | Horoscopes
Regan Suing News Corporation

issue 4347 | 11.21.07 | Infographic

Judith Regan, the former publisher of Reganbooks, is suing Rupert Murdoch and News Corporation, alleging that the company sought to discredit... more»
What's Infesting Our Homes

issue 4347 | 11.21.07 | Statshot
Rep. Gary Nelson (R-CT) Introduces The Gary Nelson Personal Pay Raise Bill

issue 4347 | 11.22.07 | Video

Congressman Gary Nelson has an economic plan to raise his family's standard of living. more»
Americans Enjoying Thanksgiving Tradition Of Sitting Around At Airport

issue 4347 | 11.20.07 | Video

Thanksgiving is a time for far-flung family members to reunite with each other and share in holiday cheer at the airport. more»
Our Astronauts: Should We Bring Them Back From Space?

issue 4347 | 11.23.07 | Sunday Magazine
Devin Hester Running With Bomb Quickly Written Into Movie

issue 4347 | 11.22.07 | Photo Finish
Area Woman Eats Everything Out Of Huge Mug

issue 4347 | 11.20.07 |
Last 4 Minutes Of Parking Meter Waited Out In Car

issue 4347 | 11.20.07 |
Sexual Harassment Policy Masturbated To

issue 4347 | 11.20.07 |
Writers' Strike To Hit TV Land In 14 Years

issue 4347 | 11.20.07 |