Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 1, 2007 - December 7, 2007 | Issue 43•48

Perfectly Marketed TV Show Somehow Fails

NEW YORK—Perplexed executives at NBC announced Monday that the network has canceled the new series City Buds, after the half-hour sitcom garnered abysmal ratings despite...

Lone Gunman Envied By Married Gunman

issue 4348 | 12.01.07 | News

LOS ANGELES—"Running around firing indiscriminately into a crowd—now that's someone who doesn't have to wake up and go furniture shopping... more»
Underfunded Schools Forced To Cut Past Tense From Language Programs

issue 4348 | 11.30.07 | News

WASHINGTON—Teaching students how to conjugate verbs so that they can describe events that have already occurred is a luxury many schools cannot... more»
CIA: America May Have An Unknown Number Of Secret Admirers

issue 4348 | 11.28.07 | News

WASHINGTON—"There are people out there who love us, and they're coming after us," said a blushing John Michael McConnell, director of national... more»
Uninsured Man Hopes His Symptoms Diagnosed This Week On House

issue 4348 | 11.30.07 | News In Brief

HAPEVILLE, GA—After being laid off last year from his door-fitting job at the local Ford Motor Company plant, uninsured 35-year-old... more»
Go-Getter Eliminates Two Steps From Grieving Process

issue 4348 | 11.29.07 | News In Brief

CORNING, CA—Management consultant and recent widower Greg Pier successfully cut his grieving time by more than a third Friday by... more»
Entire Blogosphere Stunned By Blogger's Special Weekend Post

issue 4348 | 11.28.07 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—In what is being called a seminal moment in Internet history, a rare weekend post by 25-year-old blogger Ben Tiedemann on his... more»
Bar Scene Also Tired Of Area Bachelor

issue 4348 | 11.27.07 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Arguing that area bachelor Gary Tate, 34, is "becoming too old for this lifestyle," hundreds of representatives from the New... more»
Scientists Warn Ionosphere One Top-40 Hit Away From Exploding

issue 4348 | 11.26.07 | News In Brief

LOS ALAMOS, NM—Astrophysicists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory issued a nationwide alert Tuesday, warning that exposing the... more»
'Fire Isiah' Chant Breaks Out During Knicks' Front-Office Meeting

issue 4348 | 11.29.07 | Sports News

NEW YORK—A meeting held at Madison Square Garden Wednesday between New York Knicks ownership and head coach Isiah Thomas was interrupted... more»
D.C. Tops In AIDS

issue 4348 | 11.30.07 | American Voices

The District of Columbia has the highest AIDS rates in the country. What do you think? more»
U.S. Researchers Clone Monkeys

issue 4348 | 11.29.07 | American Voices

Using skin cells, scientists at the Oregon National Primate Research Center have cloned rhesus macaque monkeys and harvested stem cells. What do... more»
Trent Lott Resigns

issue 4348 | 11.28.07 | American Voices

Trent Lott, the second-ranking Republican in the Senate, announced that he would be leaving office at the end of the year. What do you think? more»
Russian Protest Crackdown

issue 4348 | 11.27.07 | American Voices

Riot police detained more than 200 people at a rally protesting the Kremlin and the Putin government. What do you think? more»
Hate Crimes Up In '06

issue 4348 | 11.26.07 | American Voices

The latest FBI statistics show that hate crimes jumped 7.8 percent in 2006. What do you think? more»
Area Homosexual Outed By Common Sense

issue 4348 | 12.03.07 | Radio
Style Replaces Substance

issue 4348 | 12.02.07 | Radio
Bill Clinton To Become Spokesman For Manwich

issue 4348 | 12.01.07 | Radio
Marriage Of Fat Cousin Sends Shockwaves Through Area Family

issue 4348 | 11.30.07 | Radio
Drug Czar Toppled By Drug Bolsheviks

issue 4348 | 11.29.07 | Radio
President To Investigate Where Laundry Chute Goes

issue 4348 | 11.28.07 | Radio
ABC Executive Now Writing All Their Shows Himself

issue 4348 | 11.27.07 | Radio
Neurotic Asshole Finds Success In New York City

issue 4348 | 11.26.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - November 26, 2007

issue 4348 | 11.26.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Morning After Morning After Pill Re-Impregnates Guilt-Ridden Women

issue 4348 | 11.28.07 | News In Photos
Sci-Fi Geek Only Hangs Out With Models

issue 4348 | 11.27.07 | News In Photos
I Remember When This Town Used To Turn Out For A River Dredging

issue 4348 | 11.28.07 | Commentary

Back not too long ago, there was a real sense of community in this town. Folks couldn't wait to see one another at the weekly ice-cream social... more»
I Was Too Gone To Go To Work

issue 4348 | 11.28.07 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been trying to keep myself dry in the shitstorm, you know? First of all,... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4348 | 11.27.07 | Horoscopes
FCC Eyeing Cable Regulation

issue 4348 | 11.28.07 | Infographic

The Federal Communications Commission will vote on placing a number of restrictions and regulations on the unregulated cable industry. Here... more»
What Are We Requesting Through The Freedom Of Information Act?

issue 4348 | 11.28.07 | Statshot
Mitt Romney Is Candidate Most Voters Want To Get Into Bar Fight With

issue 4348 | 11.29.07 | Video

According to a new survey, whether a candidate seems like they could take a sucker punch in a drunken brawl is extremely important to voters. more»
Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt On

issue 4348 | 11.27.07 | Video

Today Now! brings you the inspiring story of Brian Peete, a fat boy who hid his obesity from other children at the pool by keeping his shirt on. more»
Ways To Get The Opposite Sex's Attention Without Juggling

issue 4348 | 11.30.07 | Sunday Magazine
Grant Hill Signs Endorsement Deal With Sam's Choice Cola

issue 4348 | 11.29.07 | Photo Finish
Area Woman's Opinions Mostly Those Of Hairstylist

issue 4348 | 11.27.07 |
Correct Pronunciation Of Ahmadinejad Spreading To Midwest

issue 4348 | 11.27.07 |
Free Jazz Refused

issue 4348 | 11.27.07 |
Excel Spreadsheet A Veritable Database Of Wasted Time

issue 4348 | 11.27.07 |