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December 8, 2007 - December 14, 2007 | Issue 43•49

Man Finally Put In Charge Of Struggling Feminist Movement

WASHINGTON—After decades spent battling gender discrimination and inequality in the workplace, the feminist movement underwent a high-level shake-up last month, when 53-year-old...

Overweight College Student Announces Plans To Wear Shorts, Sandals For Rest Of Year

issue 4349 | 12.08.07 | News

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Kyle Norton stated that he would also forgo a winter coat and continue to don the same coffee-stained sweatshirt he has been... more»
U.S. Breath Reaches All-Time Worst

issue 4349 | 12.07.07 | News

WASHINGTON—"We can no longer afford to turn our heads away and ignore this problem," Department of Breath and Human Services Secretary Michael... more»
30 Miserable Lives Lost In Greyhound Bus Crash

issue 4349 | 12.05.07 | News

ALBANY, NY—Emergency crews called to the scene described the remains of the victims as "slightly more lifeless than they were before the... more»
Single Parent Wishes She Had Thought Of Abandoning Child First

issue 4349 | 12.07.07 | News In Brief

HERKIMER, NY—Following the unannounced departure of live-in boyfriend and father of her 2-year-old son, Joseph, Kelly Sperino, 22,... more»
Seating Chart Revised To Put Problem Senators Up Front

issue 4349 | 12.05.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—After several incidents of bipartisan name-calling and disruptive filibustering, Senate president Dick Cheney announced... more»
Conservation Group Condemns Waterboarding As Wasteful

issue 4349 | 12.04.07 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—National Water Watch, a Washington-based conservation group, criticized the government's use of waterboarding Monday, calling... more»
Local Radio Station Has Got Some Doobie Brothers Coming Up For You

issue 4349 | 12.03.07 | News In Brief

NORWALK, CT—According to sources, local radio station 95.9 The Fox has got some Doobie Brothers on the way for you in just a few... more»
NFL Meteorologists Warn Steaming Black-Guy Heads Occurring Later Every Year

issue 4349 | 12.06.07 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Steaming black-guy heads, the traditional sign of approaching winter for generations of football fans, have been occurring later in... more»
Kidnapping British People Legal

issue 4349 | 12.07.07 | American Voices

A lawyer for the U.S. government told the Court of Appeal in London that the United States could legally kidnap citizens of other countries because... more»
Iran Gave Up Nuke Program In 2003

issue 4349 | 12.06.07 | American Voices

A new assessment by American intelligence agencies stated that Iran halted their nuclear weapons program four years ago. What do you think? more»
God Told Roberts To Quit University

issue 4349 | 12.05.07 | American Voices

Amidst charges of mishandling resources, Richard Roberts resigned from his post as president of the debt-saddled Oral Roberts University, saying... more»
Evel Knievel Dead

issue 4349 | 12.04.07 | American Voices

Legendary stuntman Evel Knievel died at home last week at the age of 69. What do you think? more»
Christmas Trees More Expensive

issue 4349 | 12.03.07 | American Voices

Due to high fuel costs, the price of Christmas trees will be around 10 percent higher this year. What do you think? more»
Conductor Vows To Whip Ragtag Elementary School Chorus Into Shape By Christmas

issue 4349 | 12.10.07 | Radio
Jewish Texans Commemorate Holocaust...Texas-Style!

issue 4349 | 12.09.07 | Radio
White Castle Plundered By Turks

issue 4349 | 12.08.07 | Radio
Area Man Pronounced Dead On The Inside

issue 4349 | 12.07.07 | Radio
Explosion-Themed Movie Tops Weekend Box Office

issue 4349 | 12.06.07 | Radio
God Makes Spanish Official Language Of Christianity

issue 4349 | 12.05.07 | Radio
Retired Hobo Afraid He's Losing His Hobo Chops

issue 4349 | 12.04.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - December 3, 2007

issue 4349 | 12.03.07 | Editorial Cartoon
Excercise Ball All The Way Over There

issue 4349 | 12.05.07 | News In Photos
Grown Man Enjoys Duping Children

issue 4349 | 12.04.07 | News In Photos
My Son And His Friends Will Never Find My Secret Playboy Stash

issue 4349 | 12.05.07 | Commentary

I consider myself to be a good, responsible father. I put a roof over my children's heads, I'm always willing to sit down and help them with... more»
These Time-Management Issues Will Be Easily Resolved With A Series Of Streamlined Meetings

issue 4349 | 12.05.07 | Commentary

It's come to my attention that this office hasn't been managing time efficiently lately, so I'd like to use this open forum to address just a... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4349 | 12.04.07 | Horoscopes
The Mideast Peace Talks

issue 4349 | 12.05.07 | Infographic

At last week's historic Mideast peace conference in Annapolis, MD, Prime Minister Ehud Olmert of Israel and Palestinian President Mahmoud... more»
Why Is The Pope Snubbing Boston?

issue 4349 | 12.05.07 | Statshot
Evangeline Lilly Wins 'Best Wet T-Shirt Fight Scene' At Strong Women In TV Awards

issue 4349 | 12.05.07 | Video

Today Now!'s own Tracy Gill attended the Strong Women in TV Awards, which proves women on TV can be attractive and sexy. more»
Reporters Expose Airport Security Lapses By Blowing Up Plane

issue 4349 | 12.03.07 | Video

271 are dead after an Onion News Network Special Investigative Report on airport security. more»
America's Richest Pets

issue 4349 | 12.07.07 | Sunday Magazine
Gatorade Inventor Robert Cade, 1927-2007, Given Touching Memorial Tribute

issue 4349 | 12.06.07 | Photo Finish
Wedding Ring Taken Off For Reception

issue 4349 | 12.05.07 |
Children Told To Give Dog Extra Hug Before He Goes To Vet

issue 4349 | 12.05.07 |
Food Court Employees Take Lunch Break In Different Part Of Food Court

issue 4349 | 12.05.07 |
Allergies Prevent Man From Enjoying Dust

issue 4349 | 12.05.07 |