- Several 2009 MLB Awards Clearly Thought Up On The Spot
- 26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving
- Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.
- December Named National Awareness Month
- New 'Noveller' Allows People To Post Novels They Write During Course Of Their Day
- Patriots Lead Colts At Halftime
- 'The Office' Ends As Documentary Crew Gets All The Footage It Needs
- Montessori School Of Dentistry Lets Students Discover Their Own Root Canal Procedures
- Like Hell I'm Going To Let Some Black President Help Me Pay For Dialysis
- Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment Of Women
- Bored Assistant Principal Browses Through Confiscated Items
- Terrifying Bill Passed During NBA Playoffs
- Slightly Upset Woman Declared Insane
- Grandmother Classifies 79% Of Everything A Shame
- Yao Ming Living Up To Height Expectations
- Amateur Balloonist Accidently Floats Around World
- Marcel Marceau Dead
- Telemarketers May Not Actually Care How You Are Doing
- U.S. Refuses To Allow U.N. Weapons Inspectors Back Into Iraq
- Herbie Goes Bananas
Features
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Sunday Magazine
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Stockwatch
The stock price of this medical-goods manufacturer jumped today as it announced a deal with the Department Of Defense to produce a new line of camouflaged prosthetics for front-line soldiers.
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Sunday Magazine
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National News Highlights
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- SAN ANTONIO, TX—With the eyes of his teammates upon him, Billy Souther, 17, waited a few minutes after injecting his first steroids before happily reporting that his balls didn't feel any smaller.
- CLEARWATER BEACH, FL—Jenny and Ron Schopenhouser found that getting a babysitter and going out on a dinner date one night a week helped them rekindle their love of Chili's.
- BUFFALO, NY—Proactive mayor Byron Brown bought a used wrecking ball on eBay with petty cash and will be taking the city's situation into his own hands.
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Stockwatch
Fools who believed an alliance of the vermilion-haired witch and the speaking oven mitt would achieve total dominion gnashed their teeth upon realizing that all are held in the palm of a darker gauntlet.
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National News Highlights
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Sean James, 33, was unable to go to work today because he really wanted to make a stew. -
Sunday Magazine
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National News Highlights
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After a protracted turf war over the prime knitting table in the Citrus Heights Retirement Community rec room, a fragile détente was brokered between the Wheelies and the Walkers. -
National News Highlights
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Suzy Klessig shrugged and decided to stay married. -
Stockwatch
Internet users responded negatively when they learned the firm's "It's you" ad campaign was aimed directly at Marvin Holochwost, a second-year business major.
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National News Highlights
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The swirling crimson vortex of ones and zeroes above Google's corporate headquarters turned a bloodier shade of red after swallowing a fifth-grade math whiz visiting on a school field trip.
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Issue Highlights
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Dolphins Just Happy To Have Played A Pro Football Game
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ESPN Digitally Remasters Jock Jams Volume III For 10th Anniversary
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Football Crowd Delighted By Fat Man Running
