- Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck
- Fatal Staples Center Collapse Brings Merciful Early End To Clippers Game
- Defense Bill Features Less Waste
- Coroner To Work From Home Today
- College Freshman Makes Triumphant Return To High School
- Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus
- Microsoft Ad Campaign Crashing Nation's Televisions
- If I'm So Crazy, Then Why Do People Keep Having Sex With Me?
- Congress Approves $500 Billion For Monument To Human Folly
- United Airlines Exploring Viability Of Stacking Them Like Cordwood
- Drugs Now Legal If User Is Employed
- Infomercial Makes Leap To Big Screen
- And If You Direct Your Attention To The X-Axis, You'll Find I Have No Idea What I'm Talking About
- President Bush Escapes From Weekly Bath
- 73 Percent Of U.S. Livestock Show Signs Of Clinical Depression
- Area Pagan Dreading Big Family Vernal Equinox Celebration
- Lethal Injection Ban Leads To Rise In Back-Alley Lethal Injections
- MPAA Unveils Rating System Based On Old Testament
- Bush Determined To Find Warehouse Where Ark Of Covenant Is Stored
- Teens Ignore Mobile-Phone Laws
Features
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Sunday Magazine
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Stockwatch
The stock price of this medical-goods manufacturer jumped today as it announced a deal with the Department Of Defense to produce a new line of camouflaged prosthetics for front-line soldiers.
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Sunday Magazine
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- SAN ANTONIO, TX—With the eyes of his teammates upon him, Billy Souther, 17, waited a few minutes after injecting his first steroids before happily reporting that his balls didn't feel any smaller.
- CLEARWATER BEACH, FL—Jenny and Ron Schopenhouser found that getting a babysitter and going out on a dinner date one night a week helped them rekindle their love of Chili's.
- BUFFALO, NY—Proactive mayor Byron Brown bought a used wrecking ball on eBay with petty cash and will be taking the city's situation into his own hands.
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Harold Trudor, 84, finally fixed the doorbell, just in time for no one to ever ring it again. -
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Sheila Boyke, 47, spent two hours searching for the perfect gourd color combination before taking a cider break. -
Sunday Magazine
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Stockwatch
As the hour of the wolf approaches and the fallow land begets stillborn crops, the slaving caste finds comfort only in great deals on Arizona jeans.
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Jake Marino returned from the depths of the Orient bearing gifts: a baseball hat that says, "Japan," and a novelty necktie that says, "Japan." -
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While taking down the "Vote Ed" signs from his lawn, defeated school-board-chairman candidate Ed Drabek couldn’t help but imagine that his victorious opponent Donald McCasky was probably living it up and sleeping with multiple beautiful women at that very moment. -
Sunday Magazine
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Louise Saber is hoping her doll collection hasn't caught wise to the fact that she started smoking out in the garage again. -
Stockwatch
A large early-morning protest in front of the company's headquarters Tuesday led to speculation that Goldman was once again making a lot of money.
Onion Home
Issue Highlights
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Dolphins Just Happy To Have Played A Pro Football Game
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ESPN Digitally Remasters Jock Jams Volume III For 10th Anniversary
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Football Crowd Delighted By Fat Man Running
