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January 12, 2008 - January 18, 2008 | Issue 44•02

Bush Begins Preparations For Nation's Final Year

WASHINGTON—As his last term in office winds to a close, President Bush has directed White House aids and Cabinet staff to begin preparing for 2008, the nation's 232nd and final year in...

Half Of 26-Year-Old's Memories Nintendo-Related

issue 4402 | 01.12.08 | News

BROOKLYN, NY—According to an fMRI of Philip Jenkins' brain during memory recall, his parietal lobe is activated equally for the words... more»
Syria Attends Mideast Peace Talks For Free Continental Breakfast

issue 4402 | 01.10.08 | News

ANNAPOLIS, MD—"We are here in the interest of peace," said a member of the Syrian delegation, also noting the availability of free milk,... more»
Report: Someone Totally Doing It Somewhere Right Now

issue 4402 | 01.08.08 | News

CHICAGO—From a statistical perspective, it stands to reason that at least two out of all the people on Earth are totally going at it. Like, as... more»
Fall Internship Pays Off With Coveted Winter Internship

issue 4402 | 01.10.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—New York University student Dave Werner announced Monday that he has successfully parlayed an unpaid fall internship at the... more»
DOT Declares Pothole Too Perfect To Fill

issue 4402 | 01.10.08 | News In Brief

COLUMBUS, OH—According to a statement released by the Ohio Department of Transportation Wednesday, highway maintenance workers are... more»
Word 'Immunity' Used Outside Of Reality Show For First Time In Five Years

issue 4402 | 01.08.08 | News In Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Dr. Thomas Draker's announcement Monday that his patient Sarah Ross, 32, had successfully built up an immunity to bee... more»
Not Snowing Over Here, Man On Phone Reports

issue 4402 | 01.07.08 | News In Brief

DES MOINES, IA—During a brief, five-minute telephone conversation last Monday, local resident Grant Jacobs, 58, reportedly expressed... more»
Gratitude For Thank-You Note Plunges Friends Into Inescapable Appreciation Spiral

issue 4402 | 01.05.08 | News In Brief

PHILADELPHIA—A reciprocated expression of gratitude provided upon receiving a thank-you note last month has plunged friends Amy Hildenbrand,... more»
National Champion LSU Retires At The Top Of Its Game

issue 4402 | 01.09.08 | Sports News

NEW ORLEANS—Mere moments after hoisting the crystal national championship trophy, Tigers coach Les Miles announced that LSU had made the... more»
Study Counters Autism-Vaccination Link

issue 4402 | 01.10.08 | American Voices

A new study found no evidence to support the long-speculated causality between infant vaccination and autism. What do you think? more»
Coeds Drink More At Themed Parties

issue 4402 | 01.09.08 | American Voices

A study conducted by researchers at San Diego State University and the University of Michigan found that college women are encouraged to drink... more»
McCain Wins New Hampshire Primary

issue 4402 | 01.08.08 | American Voices

Senator John McCain surprised observers by winning the Republican vote in the New Hampshire primary. What do you think? more»
Mayor Says To Lose Weight

issue 4402 | 01.07.08 | American Voices

Mick Cornett, the mayor of Oklahoma City, has challenged every citizen to lose a collective 1 million pounds in an effort to help the... more»
Anti-Cancer Machine Invented?

issue 4402 | 01.06.08 | American Voices

Research reports on the American Cancer Society's website suggest that a new machine, invented by a Florida man with no medical training, may be... more»
Bait-Shop Employee Hoping Bait Blog Will Get Him Fired

issue 4402 | 01.14.08 | Radio
Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness

issue 4402 | 01.12.08 | Radio
Plane Delay Leaves Hundreds Whiny

issue 4402 | 01.11.08 | Radio
Swanson Foods Launches Hungry Man Line Of Apparel

issue 4402 | 01.10.08 | Radio
Detergent-Sponsored Version Of "MacBeth" Considerably Different

issue 4402 | 01.09.08 | Radio
Construction Of Stretch Of Turnpike Has Been Going On Since, Like, 1997

issue 4402 | 01.08.08 | Radio
Senator Receives Yet Another Handgun Gift Basket From NRA

issue 4402 | 01.07.08 | Radio
Area Man Thinks He Can Save Relationship With Pancakes

issue 4402 | 01.06.08 | Radio
Kelly Klassic: 1988

issue 4402 | 01.05.08 | Editorial Cartoon
All-Dad Blues Band A Critical Disappointment

issue 4402 | 01.08.08 | News In Photos
Baby New Year Abandoned In Street

issue 4402 | 01.07.08 | News In Photos
I'm Just A Simple Country Refrigerator Repair Technician

issue 4402 | 01.09.08 | Commentary

I know as well as any that the world's a-changing, and that with new technologies come new ways of doing things, some for better and some... more»
I Got What America Needs Right Here

issue 4402 | 01.09.08 | Commentary

Sometimes I'm a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I'm wondering if you can help me get something straight.... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4402 | 01.07.08 | Horoscopes
Drinkable Water For America's Cities

issue 4402 | 01.08.08 | Infographic

With the scarcity of drinkable water becoming a major issue on the horizon, cities across the United States are trying to find new sources... more»
Most Popular Suspicious Behaviors

issue 4402 | 01.08.08 | Statshot

Most Popular Suspicious Behaviors more»
In The Know: Are We Giving The Robots That Run Our Society Too Much Power?

issue 4402 | 01.09.08 | Video

Panelists discuss whether controversial decisions by the Robot Congress and President Executron indicate robots have too much control over our lives. more»
Report: American Schools Trail Behind World In Aptitude Of Child Soldiers

issue 4402 | 01.08.08 | Video

A shocking new study finds U.S. children lag far behind their international peers in subjects like rifle assembly and mine defusing. more»
One Mother's Unbelievably Long And Tedious Story

issue 4402 | 01.10.08 | Sunday Magazine

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Phil Simms Mistaken For Life-Sized Cardboard Cutout Of Phil Simms

issue 4402 | 01.09.08 | Photo Finish
Roller-Rink Birthday Party Lives Up To The Hype

issue 4402 | 01.10.08 |
SAT To Add Sudoku Section

issue 4402 | 01.10.08 |
Janitor Could Be More Appreciative Of Nod

issue 4402 | 01.10.08 |