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January 21, 2008 - January 27, 2008 | Issue 44•03

Senate Meets At Coffee Shop To Brainstorm Legislation

WASHINGTON—Citing a need to finally reach consensus on the country's most pressing political matters and a desire to foster a healthy, open environment for drafting new...

3.2 Million Unemployed Americans Apply For Opening At Ohio-Area Bob Evans

issue 4403 | 01.21.08 | News

FINDLAY, OH—"I would kill for this opportunity," said laid-off autoworker Chris Thaney, who has been unemployed since 2006 and previously... more»
Area Eccentric Reads Entire Book

issue 4403 | 01.19.08 | News

GREENWOOD,IN—"Instead of spending hours on YouTube every night, Mr. Meyer, unlike most healthy males, looks to books for gratification," said... more»
Kraft Introduces New Kraft Doubles For Couples

issue 4403 | 01.18.08 | News

NORTHFIELD,IL—Kraft officials claim that this is the first adjoined-cheese product that's both practical and sexy. more»
Failure Now An Option

issue 4403 | 01.16.08 | News

WASHINGTON —A recent poll revealed that 64% of Americans are comfortable with coming up short, while 43% are content to try only once rather... more»
Crush On Williams-Sonoma Employee Costing Man A Fortune

issue 4403 | 01.21.08 | News In Brief

SCHAUMBURG, IL—According to Woodfield Mall patron Thomas Hill, his growing infatuation with Williams-Sonoma employee Kelly Petersen... more»
Rock Song Takes Pro-Rock Stance

issue 4403 | 01.18.08 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—A fist-pumping spokesperson for the rock and roll song "Rock You" declared the new track's unwavering pro-rock... more»
New Roommates Attempt To Find Manly Way Of Saying Good Night

issue 4403 | 01.17.08 | News In Brief

MINNEAPOLIS—One month after moving into their shared apartment, roommates Nick Horowitz, 23, and Dan Crenshaw, 24, are still... more»
Very Specific Food Pyramid Recommends Two To Three Shrimp Scampis Per Year

issue 4403 | 01.16.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Agriculture unveiled an updated, extremely detailed food pyramid Monday, which may redefine the... more»
Area Man Sorry He's Late, Got Here As Fast As He Could

issue 4403 | 01.15.08 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Thirty-four-year-old associate sales representative Ben Anderson, who got here as fast as he possibly could, is really,... more»
Son's Black Market Value Checked Online

issue 4403 | 01.14.08 | News In Brief

WHITESTONE, NY—Shortly after viewing a television report on the international child-slavery trade, 42-year-old father David Newsom... more»
Jessica Simpson Completes Elaborate Plan To Destroy Cowboys' Season

issue 4403 | 01.17.08 | Sports News

DALLAS—Speaking to reporters she had invited into her impenetrable subterranean Texas lair on Monday, Jessica Simpson gloated over the... more»
U.S. Briefly On Canadian Torture List

issue 4403 | 01.21.08 | American Voices

Canada has placed the United States on an official list of countries that practice torture. What do you think? more»
American Idol Ratings Down

issue 4403 | 01.18.08 | American Voices

The season debut of American Idol was the lowest it's been in four years. What do you think. more»
Obama And Clinton Call Truce

issue 4403 | 01.17.08 | American Voices

After tense days of racial and personal accusations flying back and forth between the top Democratic candidates, Barack Obama has called for a... more»
First Indian-American Governor Elected

issue 4403 | 01.16.08 | American Voices

With his swearing in as governor of Louisiana on Monday, Republican Bobby Jindal became the first Indian-American to head a U.S. state. What do... more»
Carl's Jr. Founder Dead

issue 4403 | 01.15.08 | American Voices

Carl Karcher, the founder of Carl's Jr. and owner of Hardee's, died just days shy of his 91st Birthday. What do you think? more»
Weinsteins To Reach Deal With Writers

issue 4403 | 01.14.08 | American Voices

According to co-founder Harvey Weinstein, the Weinstein Company, one of the largest independent film companies in Hollywood, has struck a... more»
Greenpeace Releases Dolphins Into Forest

issue 4403 | 07.01.08 | Radio
New Global-Social-Positioning System To Help Lost Drivers Avoid Poor People

issue 4403 | 01.28.08 | Radio
Chrysler Discontinues Neck-Belts

issue 4403 | 01.26.08 | Radio
Haves Work $3.6 Trillion Deal To Acquire Have-Nots

issue 4403 | 01.25.08 | Radio
Tour Bus Leaves With Wrong Passed-Out Drummer

issue 4403 | 01.24.08 | Radio
Britney Spears' Fragrance Soldiers On Without Her

issue 4403 | 01.23.08 | Radio
Report: 2007 Christmas Season Had Fewest Miracles On Record

issue 4403 | 01.22.08 | Radio
Ambulance Told To Shut Up

issue 4403 | 01.21.08 | Radio
Study: Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia Two-To-One

issue 4403 | 01.20.08 | Radio
Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is 'Worthless And Dumb'

issue 4403 | 01.19.08 | Radio
Suit Of Armor More Hassle Than It's Worth

issue 4403 | 01.18.08 | Radio
Department Of Treasure Releases 2008 Doubloons

issue 4403 | 01.17.08 | Radio
Minimalist Roller Coaster Designer Refuses To Use Loops

issue 4403 | 01.16.08 | Radio
Disease-Free Water Tops List Of World's Most Popular Beverages

issue 4403 | 01.15.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - January 21, 2008

issue 4403 | 01.21.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Editorial Cartoon - January 14, 2008

issue 4403 | 01.14.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Dick Clark Still Sitting There

issue 4403 | 01.15.08 | News In Photos
Women Are Way Out Of My League

issue 4403 | 01.16.08 | Commentary

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. With my dopey face and chicken legs, my love life could be summed up in one word: hopeless. The... more»
I Strongly Disagree With Connellsville High School's Choice For The John Philip Sousa Award

issue 4403 | 01.16.08 | Commentary

It is with heavy heart that I, John Philip Sousa, composer and patriot, address you today for the purpose of setting right a great... more»
Onion Publisher Emeritus Introduces The Onion's 'War For The White House' Web Site

issue 4403 | 01.21.08 | Columnists

My lackeys inform me that it is almost time to appoint a new President, and therefore time for the suet-brained populace of this... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4403 | 01.15.08 | Horoscopes
On The Campaign Trail With Dennis Kucinich

issue 4403 | 01.16.08 | Infographic

Despite trailing every other Democratic presidential candidate in the polls, Dennis Kucinich is still campaigning actively. more»
What Are We Doing On Our Sabbatical?

issue 4403 | 01.16.08 | Statshot
As Obese Population Rises, More Candidates Courting The Fat Vote

issue 4403 | 01.21.08 | Video

Presidential candidates are reaching out to fat voters on the campaign trail by eating large amounts of food. more»
Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish For Unlimited Wishes

issue 4403 | 01.16.08 | Video

Today Now! has the story of an 8-year-old whose demand for never-ending wish fulfillment may force the Make-A-Wish Foundation to shut down. more»
Mitt Romney Defends Himself Against Allegations Of Tolerance

issue 4403 | 01.14.08 | Video

Mitt Romney's candidacy took a major hit following the discovery of statements he made a decade ago that imply he isn’t sickened by gays. more»
The Getting Fired Issue

issue 4403 | 01.18.08 | Sunday Magazine
Dallas-Area Suicide Hotline Operators Get Their Popcorn Ready

issue 4403 | 01.17.08 | Photo Finish
Laptop Taken Into Bathroom

issue 4403 | 01.16.08 |
Deepest Sympathies Casseroled

issue 4403 | 01.16.08 |
Wallet Visible Through High School Actor's Pants

issue 4403 | 01.16.08 |