In Brief
- Crush On Williams-Sonoma Employee Costing Man A Fortune
- Rock Song Takes Pro-Rock Stance
- New Roommates Attempt To Find Manly Way Of Saying Good Night
- Very Specific Food Pyramid Recommends Two To Three Shrimp Scampis Per Year
- Area Man Sorry He's Late, Got Here As Fast As He Could
- Son's Black Market Value Checked Online
Our Dumb World
Estonia
United In Circular Dancing
The merry nation of Estonia has been under foreign control for most of its history, due to the fact that its main form of defense is holding hands...
- Number Of Acceptable Things Candidates Can Say Now Down To Four
- Toddler Makes Convincing Case For Being Afraid Of Horse
- Michel Gondry Entertained For Days By New Cardboard Box
- Opinion: I'm The Denzel Washington In Training Day Of Booking Plane Tickets Online
- Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda
- Video: Age-Progression Technology Indicates Missing Child A Prostitute By Now
- Number Of Acceptable Things Candidates Can Say Now Down To Four
- Video: Historic ‘Blockbuster’ Store Offers Glimpse Of How Movies Were Rented In The Past
- Nation's Slicked-Back-Hair Men Rally Against Negative Hollywood Portrayal
- Peanut Allergies May Be Cured
- Video: Historic ‘Blockbuster’ Store Offers Glimpse Of How Movies Were Rented In The Past
- New NFL Rule Will Force Players To Have One Of Three Appropriate Haircuts
- MLB Pickpocket Suspected In Series Of Stolen Batting Gloves
- Everything Falling Apart, Reports Institute For Somehow Managing To Hold It All Together
- Health Care
- Radio News: Obama Voicemail Message Not That Inspiring
- Peanut Allergies May Be Cured
- Video: Historic ‘Blockbuster’ Store Offers Glimpse Of How Movies Were Rented In The Past
- Nation's Slicked-Back-Hair Men Rally Against Negative Hollywood Portrayal
- Video: Age-Progression Technology Indicates Missing Child A Prostitute By Now
Features
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Stockwatch
Johnson & Johnson's value plunged when its No More Tears shampoo came under fire for failure to prevent tears related to emotional pain that may be experienced while washing one's hair.
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National News Highlights
Roll over locations for news
- CHICAGO, IL—Instead of wasting money at that fancy new Brazilian place, Mark Tardi stayed home and shoved a knife through a pork chop and a hot dog.
- GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Kroger shoppers became slightly worried when the public-address system cryptically warned "Code Blue."
- WORLAND, WY—Even though mean old Mr. Wilkins was dead now, Tommy Devlin and his friends vowed to keep his memory alive by continuing to egg his house every Saturday night.
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Sunday Magazine
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Stockwatch
Stockholders were spooked today when word leaked out that kids today no longer have any interest in food.
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National News Highlights
Roll over locations for news
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BIRMINGHAM, AL–Erica May was the first-place winner and only
participant in a handstand contest held exclusively in her bedroom.
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COON VALLEY, WI–The grain elevator explosion, crash on hwy 14 and murder/suicide at city council, had residents down until they recalled it was Sloppy Joe night down at the Legion.
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PITTSBURGH, PA–A blue ribbon advisory panel released their findings that poor conservation practices of recent years were to blame for the loss of up to 31 varieties of Heinz.
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Israelites Sue God For Breach Of Covenant
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Report: Al-Qaeda Allegedly Engaging In Telemarketing
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Fed to Make Interest Rates Undulate Relaxingly
IN FOCUS: Israel
IN FOCUS: Al-Qaeda
IN FOCUS: THE FED
Issue Highlights
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Laptop Taken Into Bathroom
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Deepest Sympathies Casseroled
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Wallet Visible Through High School Actor's Pants
From our News Partners
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CNN
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Slate
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AV Club
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