Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 26, 2008 - February 1, 2008 | Issue 44•04

Bill Clinton: 'Screw It, I'm Running For President'

CHARLESTON, SC—After spending two months accompanying his wife, Hillary, on the campaign trail, former president Bill Clinton announced Monday that he is joining the 2008...

Man Braves Freezing Weather To Cross Parking Lot

issue 4404 | 01.26.08 | News

LANCASTER, PA—With night coming and temperatures dropping, Louis Bergstrom was forced to leave his wife at the supermarket entrance and set... more»
Study Finds Link Between Being Struck By Cream Pie, Diminished Social Standing

issue 4404 | 01.25.08 | News

ITHACA, NY—By having cream-topped pies administered to their faces, men and women of high regard were seen to immediately drop in both status... more»
TV Critics Admit To Never Having Watched The Wire

issue 4404 | 01.25.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Despite heaping lavish praise on the HBO crime drama The Wire, television critics across the country admitted Monday... more»
Nation's Grandfathers To Receive Annual Shipment Of $2 Bills From U.S. Treasury

issue 4404 | 01.24.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—During a press conference Monday, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson unveiled this year's shipment of brand-new $2 bills, all... more»
Office Manager Very Pleased With New Work Refrigerator Policy

issue 4404 | 01.23.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Meghan Maguire, 26, office manager for DataSolutions, told reporters Monday that she is very happy with her revamped work... more»
New Hobby Sucks

issue 4404 | 01.22.08 | News In Brief

ST. CLOUD, MN—Twenty-nine-year-old executive assistant Jake Dangler told reporters Monday that his newfound hobby of collecting... more»
Giants: 'We Almost Beat The Patriots Once, We Can Almost Beat Them Again'

issue 4404 | 01.24.08 | Sports News

NEW YORK—As they come closer to their Super Bowl clash with the formidable Patriots—the team they nearly defeated in late... more»
Huckabee Aides Going Unpaid

issue 4404 | 01.24.08 | American Voices

Several top advisers for Mike Huckabee's struggling presidential campaign have been forced to work without pay. What do you think? more»
Stone To Direct Bush Biopic

issue 4404 | 01.23.08 | American Voices

Oliver Stone, director of Platoon, JFK, and The Doors, has chosen President George W. Bush as the subject of his next film.... more»
Caffeine Increases Miscarriage Chances

issue 4404 | 01.22.08 | American Voices

A new study by Kaiser Permanente Research Division in Oakland, CA says that the caffeine in two cups of coffee per day can double the chances of an... more»
Report: 94% Of South Dakotans Unprepared For Mt. Rushmore Faces Coming Alive And Eating Everyone

issue 4404 | 01.23.08 | News In Photos
Jamie Lynn Spears Loses Custody Of Fetus

issue 4404 | 01.22.08 | News In Photos
Back In My Day, Being An American Gladiator Actually Meant Something

issue 4404 | 01.23.08 | Commentary

We were an elite group of highly trained combatants charged with the task of preventing contestants from collecting cash and... more»
I've Got A Lot Of Love To Barter

issue 4404 | 01.23.08 | Commentary

Relationships are a two-way street, and you can't expect to make them work unless you're willing to get out there and risk being hurt. Took me... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4404 | 01.22.08 | Horoscopes
Facebook's Popular Applications

issue 4404 | 01.23.08 | Infographic

One of the factors contributing to the overwhelming popularity of Facebook is that third parties are allowed to create applications for... more»
Top-Selling Nintendo Wii Titles

issue 4404 | 01.23.08 | Statshot
Breaking News: Series Of Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot

issue 4404 | 01.23.08 | Video

Experts are still trying to determine the effect of the concentric circles on the long squiggly green objects located in the blue area. more»
Are Our Children's Masturbation Fantasies Getting Too Sexy?

issue 4404 | 01.25.08 | Sunday Magazine
NHL Out Three To Five Weeks With Sprained Right Poster Boy

issue 4404 | 01.24.08 | Photo Finish
Beauty Regimen Horrifying

issue 4404 | 01.23.08 |
Everyone Meeting Up Tonight At That Bar Nobody Likes

issue 4404 | 01.23.08 |
Fourth Sneeze Really Pushing It

issue 4404 | 01.23.08 |