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February 2, 2008 - February 8, 2008 | Issue 44•05

Depressed Candidate Runs Attack Ad About Self

WASHINGTON—In the midst of a fiercely competitive presidential race with no clear Republican front-runner in sight, an increasingly depressed Mitt Romney shocked political insiders Monday when he released a new...

Area Senior Remembers A Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak

issue 4405 | 02.02.08 | News

CARSON CITY, NV—Once, movies were a quarter, soda pop only cost a nickel, and Hank Fletcher's sphincter was strong enough to expand and... more»
Mattress Store Experiments With Non-Blowout Sale

issue 4405 | 02.01.08 | News

RICHMOND, VA—Customers were assured they would get a pretty good deal on a brand-name mattress. Not an out-of-this-world, unheard-of deal. But... more»
Congress To Raise Alpacas To Aid Struggling Economy

issue 4405 | 01.30.08 | News

WASHINGTON—A bipartisan committee found the plan was a "super-easy" way to rake in cash, and has already borrowed supplies from Sen. Chuck... more»
Milla Jovovich Inducted Into Basic Cable Hall of Fame

issue 4405 | 02.04.08 | News In Brief

CINCINNATI—Screen star Milla Jovovich, famed for her work in Resident Evil, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and The Fifth... more»
Control Of Anecdote Wrested From Boyfriend

issue 4405 | 02.01.08 | News In Brief

NASHVILLE—In what onlookers described as an epic war for conversational dominance, girlfriend Amy Soisson, 28, clawed, battled, and... more»
CIA On Torture Memo: 'We Need To Stop Writing This Stuff Down'

issue 4405 | 01.31.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—During a press conference Tuesday, CIA chief Michael Hayden expressed regret over the organization's inhumane interrogation... more»
Jakob Dylan Still Not Convinced Father A Better Songwriter

issue 4405 | 01.30.08 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Although his father, Bob Dylan, is widely considered to be the voice of a generation, Jakob Dylan, lead singer of folk-rock band... more»
Science Teacher Struggles To Justify Showing Total Recall

issue 4405 | 01.29.08 | News In Brief

SOUTH BELOIT, IL—South Beloit High School biology teacher Nathan Merchant struggled Tuesday to provide a satisfactory educational reason for... more»
Stoners Announce Plans To Get Stoned For That

issue 4405 | 01.28.08 | News In Brief

WILMETTE, IL—In an impromptu press conference held Monday afternoon in the parking lot of a local GameStop, a coalition of four area... more»
Ghost Of Barbaro Appears To Teach Nation True Meaning Of Barbaro Day

issue 4405 | 01.31.08 | Sports News

LOUISVILLE, KY—Exactly one year to the day after Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was tragically taken from us before his time, an apparition... more»
Spy Satellite Going To Crash

issue 4405 | 02.04.08 | American Voices

An American spy satellite launched in 2006 has lost power and expected to fall to Earth in late February or early March. What do you think? more»
Starbucks Closing Stores

issue 4405 | 02.01.08 | American Voices

After posting the weakest sales period in the company's history, Starbucks announced that it would be closing 100 stores. What do you think? more»
Sex Offenders To Register Email Addresses

issue 4405 | 01.31.08 | American Voices

Proposed legislation in New York would protect underage Internet users by creating an email registry of convicted sex offenders. What do you... more»
State Quarter Program Ending

issue 4405 | 01.30.08 | American Voices

The nearly 10-year-old State Quarter program will draw to a close this year. What do you think? more»
State Of The Union Address

issue 4405 | 01.29.08 | American Voices

President Bush delivered his last State Of The Union Address last night. What do you think? more»
Economic Stimulus Package On Its Way

issue 4405 | 01.28.08 | American Voices

Congress agreed on an economic stimulus package that would give individual taxpayers a rebate of up to $600. What do you think? more»
Yahoo! Cutting Jobs

issue 4405 | 01.25.08 | American Voices

Yahoo, the popular internet portal site, plans to trim its workforce by 10 to 20 percent at the end of the month. What do you think? more»
New Video Game Tied To Rash Of Head Explosions

issue 4405 | 02.11.08 | Radio
Nation Demands Easier Instructions

issue 4405 | 02.10.08 | Radio
Fire Hot

issue 4405 | 02.09.08 | Radio
U.S. Department Of Over-Analysis Issues Rambling, Inconclusive Report

issue 4405 | 02.08.08 | Radio
North Korean Spy Satellite Aimed At Area Man's Wide-Screen TV

issue 4405 | 02.07.08 | Radio
Coworker Brings Vigilante Justice To Break Room

issue 4405 | 02.06.08 | Radio
Duck Call Receives Overwhelming Response

issue 4405 | 02.05.08 | Radio
Depressed Cow Eats Entire Haystack

issue 4405 | 02.04.08 | Radio
Jewish Elders Lift 6,000-Year Ham Ban

issue 4405 | 02.03.08 | Radio
Huge Animal Jumps Right Fucking Out In Front Of Area Man

issue 4405 | 02.02.08 | Radio
Report: Netflix Has Received Red Dwarf Series Three: Disc Two

issue 4405 | 02.01.08 | Radio
Nation's Bachelors Demand Health-Care Coverage For All Their Buddies

issue 4405 | 01.31.08 | Radio
Pep Squad Accused Of Using Power Of Pep For Personal Gain

issue 4405 | 01.30.08 | Radio
Lucille Calls Police On B.B. King

issue 4405 | 01.29.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - January 28, 2008

issue 4405 | 01.28.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Final German U-Boat Surrenders To Allied Powers

issue 4405 | 01.29.08 | News In Photos
We Must All Do Our Part To Preserve This Climate Of Fear

issue 4405 | 01.30.08 | Commentary

The last six years have been a golden age of American apprehension and mistrust. Thanks to the events of Sept. 11, 2001, all of America was... more»
Professional Sports Is Very Interesting

issue 4405 | 01.30.08 | Commentary

Have you ever noticed how interesting professional sports is? If there's one topic that I enjoy spending hours thinking about and ruminating... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4405 | 01.29.08 | Horoscopes
Lego Turns 50

issue 4405 | 02.06.08 | Infographic

The Lego Turns 50 The Lego, invented by a Danish toy manufacturer, turned 50 last week. Here are some highlights from... more»
Virgin Unveils New Spaceship

issue 4405 | 01.30.08 | Infographic

Virgin Galactic, the space tourism venture run by Richard Branson, unveiled its new commercial sub-orbital spacecraft, the SpaceShip Two.... more»
What's In Our Seven-Layer Dip?

issue 4405 | 02.06.08 | Statshot
How Are We Preparing For A Recession?

issue 4405 | 01.30.08 | Statshot
Live From Congress: Representative Wants To Rid Congress Of Gang Members

issue 4405 | 01.30.08 | Video

Congressman Porter (R-IN) urges immediate action against the gang members that have infiltrated our neighborhoods, our schools, and even the Capitol. more»
Mysterious Traveler Entrances Town With Utopian Vision Of The Future

issue 4405 | 01.28.08 | Video

An enigmatic man appeared in Hastings, NY, beckoning people to join his quest for a world free of despair as he shook hands and kissed newborns. more»
The Roast of Ahmadinejad

issue 4405 | 02.06.08 | Slideshow
One Man's Brave Battle

issue 4405 | 02.01.08 | Sunday Magazine
Randy Moss Accused Of Stem-Cell Abuse

issue 4405 | 01.31.08 | Photo Finish
Handful Of Sour Patch Kids Grabbed For Trip To Mailbox

issue 4405 | 01.30.08 |
Pretty Girl Hugged With Both Arms

issue 4405 | 01.30.08 |
Ron Paul Placed Four Podiums Away From Other Candidates

issue 4405 | 01.30.08 |