Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 23, 2008 - February 29, 2008 | Issue 44•08

Children, Children's Children: 'Stop Worrying About Us'

WASHINGTON—In a statement channeled back across generations to the present day, the nation's children and the nation's children's children called for an end to...

E-Mail From Aunt Accidentally Opened

issue 4408 | 02.23.08 | News

CHICAGO—After waiting for the e-mail to load, Gwen Petersen was subjected to mass-circulated poetry, pet humor, and vaguely religious... more»
Victim Of Mall Shooting Determined Not To Die In Yankee Candle

issue 4408 | 02.22.08 | News

BUFFALO, NY—"I told myself there was no way in hell I was going to let them find me curled up beside a stack of Jasmine Housewarmer jar... more»
CGI Team Creates Realistic Oscar For Michael Bay

issue 4408 | 02.20.08 | News

LOS ANGELES—A crew of nearly 200 technicians working on a 15,000-square-foot soundstage was required to realize the director’s wildly... more»
Bush Hopes Recession Doesn't Affect Sales Of His Memoirs

issue 4408 | 02.22.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush told reporters Monday that he remains optimistic that the impending recession will end before his memoirs... more»
Pornography-Desensitized Populace Demands New Orifice To Look At

issue 4408 | 02.21.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON— Jaded by the sight of what it deemed "run-of-the-mill" orifices, the nation's pornography-saturated populace released a statement... more»
Attempt To Buy Gift For Boyfriend Results In Hatred Of Boyfriend

issue 4408 | 02.20.08 | News In Brief

SIERRA VISTA, AZ—After a week spent searching for the perfect birthday gift for Jed Lowry, her boyfriend of eight months, Susan Novecky... more»
Area Dad Will Only Watch Things In HD

issue 4408 | 02.19.08 | News In Brief

SHELTON, CT—According to family members, ever since area father Gerry DiCenzo purchased a 52-inch HD LCD television last month, he has... more»
Last French Fry Told To 'Get Your Ass Over Here'

issue 4408 | 02.18.08 | News In Brief

AURORA, IL—Plaza Diner patron Roger Trabers, upon noticing that one french fry on his plate had eluded his field of vision, demanded that the... more»
Yankees To Play Exhibition Game Against The Media

issue 4408 | 02.21.08 | Sports News

TAMPA, FL—In a spring showdown between two venerable organizations that will battle one another daily during the 2008 regular season, the... more»
Teamsters Endorse Obama

issue 4408 | 02.22.08 | American Voices

The powerful Teamsters labor union endorsed Barack Obama. What do you think? more»
Kosovo Independence Rankles Nations

issue 4408 | 02.21.08 | American Voices

The news of Kosovo’s secession from Serbia has been met with concern by countries such China and Spain. What do you think? more»
Hi-Def Format War Over

issue 4408 | 02.20.08 | American Voices

With Warner Brothers, Wal-Mart, Best Buy, and Netflix committing to Sony's Blu Ray discs, Toshiba announced that they are no longer manufacturing... more»
Bush: Keep Abstinence In AIDS Plan

issue 4408 | 02.19.08 | American Voices

President Bush wants to keep a contested provision in his global AIDS package in which one-third of all prevention spending goes to abstinence... more»
Romney Endorses McCain

issue 4408 | 02.18.08 | American Voices

Former Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney has endorsed John McCain for their party's nomination. What do you think? more»
60% Of Federal Budget Wasted On Eating Out

issue 4408 | 02.25.08 | Radio
Man With Hammer-Induced Thumb Injury Appeals To Christ Almighty

issue 4408 | 02.24.08 | Radio
Scientists Isolate Pepsi-Resistant Gene

issue 4408 | 02.23.08 | Radio
CIA Finally Unseats Fidel Castro With Retirement Cigar

issue 4408 | 02.22.08 | Radio
North Korea Takes Technical-Assistance Jobs From India By Force

issue 4408 | 02.21.08 | Radio
Search Continues For Articulate Witness Of Tragedy

issue 4408 | 02.20.08 | Radio
Country Mouse Raped By City Mouse

issue 4408 | 02.19.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - February 18, 2008

issue 4408 | 02.18.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Empty Beer Bottle Released Into Wild

issue 4408 | 02.20.08 | News In Photos
Thousands Return To Unemployment Following End Of Writers Strike

issue 4408 | 02.19.08 | News In Photos
I Say Live Life To The Fullest In Terms Of Yearly Income Set Against Monthly Expenditures

issue 4408 | 02.20.08 | Commentary

Each morning, I wake up with a smile on my face and a renewed sense of vigor, because this day is unlike any other, and it is full of... more»
Comedy Tonight!

issue 4408 | 02.20.08 | Columnists

I'm still not sure what possessed me to walk into Laughingstock's Comedy Club and sign up for their open-mic night. But I guess sometimes the... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4408 | 02.19.08 | Horoscopes
Bush's Surveillance Act

issue 4408 | 02.20.08 | Infographic

President Bush has urged the House to pass a bill that would broaden the surveillance powers of the government and protect phone companies... more»
How Are We Keeping Young?

issue 4408 | 02.20.08 | Statshot
New Auto Security System Will Not Allow Car To Start If Driver Is Nick Nolte

issue 4408 | 02.20.08 | Video

The Department Of Transportation unveiled a new mandatory safety system designed to protect American drivers by keeping Nick Nolte off the road. more»
Nation Of Andorra Not In Africa, Shocked U.S. State Dept. Reports

issue 4408 | 02.18.08 | Video

The United States gave billions of dollars in aid to the wealthy European principality of Andorra, which it mistakenly assumed was a poor African... more»
St. Patrick's Day

issue 4408 | 03.14.09 | Slideshow
Can Angels Help You Win The Lottery?

issue 4408 | 02.22.08 | Sunday Magazine
Penguins Goalie Goes For Breakaway

issue 4408 | 02.21.08 | Photo Finish
Display Of Genuine Enthusiasm Mocked

issue 4408 | 02.20.08 |
Trail Of Bread Crumbs Leads To Shirtless 34-Year-Old

issue 4408 | 02.20.08 |
Phrase 'Rack-And-Pinion Steering' Enters Area Man's Mind For No Apparent Reason

issue 4408 | 02.20.08 |