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March 8, 2008 - March 14, 2008 | Issue 44•10

Nation's Presidential Assassins Still Undecided

NEW YORK— As evidenced by the hundreds of newspaper clippings of various presidential candidates glued to his bedroom walls and ceiling, Vietnam veteran Dale Patrick Seaver, 52, is clearly an...

Teacher's Sense Of Humor Comes Through In Multiple-Choice Tests

issue 4410 | 03.08.08 | News

UNIONTOWN, PA—“To even consider Billy Crystal as one of the men who rode with Paul Revere is really, really funny,” mused 47-year-old... more»
Report: 6 Out Of 10 Americans Cannot Locate Payless Shoes On A Mall Map 

issue 4410 | 03.07.08 | News

WASHINGTON—"No schoolchild should be allowed to grow up ignorant of the varied chain stores around him," said Secretary of Education... more»
Susan Sarandon Masturbated To For Old Time's Sake

issue 4410 | 03.05.08 | News

ATHENS, GA—David Unger's return to Sarandon-fueled penile stimulation is, in part, a result of his deep respect for the actress, one that... more»
Relationship Tragically Enters Going-To-Bathroom-With-Door-Open Stage

issue 4410 | 03.07.08 | News In Brief

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Tragedy struck an otherwise ideal love affair between Frank Langford, 31, and Amy Diamond, 28, Monday, when Diamond used the... more»
Men And Women Of Armed Forces Thank Local Woman For Song Dedication

issue 4410 | 03.06.08 | News In Brief

PITTSBURGH—Radio station WXPT was flooded with calls from more than 140,000 members of the United States military Monday thanking a local... more»
Guy You Don't Want To See Will Meet You There

issue 4410 | 03.05.08 | News In Brief

CRESSKILL, NJ—In news that has made you wonder why you ever even talk to that guy in the first place, David Krysh, that prick you can't... more»
Kevin Garnett Proves He Can Touch Rim

issue 4410 | 03.06.08 | Sports News

BOSTON—After dozens of practice-session attempts, Boston Celtics center Kevin Garnett proved Tuesday that he could touch the rim of the... more»
Adults Eschew Simple Immunizations

issue 4410 | 03.07.08 | American Voices

A Centers for Disease Control survey revealed that statistically few adults get immunization shots for common ailments, such as tetanus and... more»
Dungeons & Dragons Creator Dies

issue 4410 | 03.06.08 | American Voices

Dungeons & Dragons creator Gary Gygax died this week. What do you think? more»
Sugar-Free Gum Linked To Diarrhea

issue 4410 | 03.05.08 | American Voices

Doctors in Berlin have found that sorbitol, the artificial sweetener found in many sugar-free gums, can lead to chronic diarrhea and considerable... more»
Biofuels Worse For The Environment

issue 4410 | 03.04.08 | American Voices

According to the journal Science, the use of biofuels does not offset the greenhouse gas emissions produced in their manufacture. What do... more»
Highest Jailed Rate Ever

issue 4410 | 03.03.08 | American Voices

For the first time ever, one out of every 100 adults in the United States is in prison. What do you think? more»
Editorial Cartoon - March 10, 2008

issue 4410 | 03.10.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Act Now To Take Advantage Of My Lowered Standards

issue 4410 | 03.05.08 | Commentary

Are you tired of all those other women who expect an emotional connection? Are you fed up with wasting all your precious time building a... more»
Oh, Shit! What Day Is It?

issue 4410 | 03.05.08 | Commentary

Boy, it feels like I just went to bed. I must've hibernated on my back all weird or something. What a dream, though, wow. I wonder what time... more»
The Week In Review

issue 4410 | 03.09.08 | Slideshow
Brad Pitt: "I Could Rip This Shirt Off, Crumble It Up, And Toss It In The Corner"

issue 4410 | 03.07.08 | Sunday Magazine
Chicago Cubs Sell Stadium Naming Rights To Chewing Gum Company

issue 4410 | 03.06.08 | Photo Finish
Overweight Woman Sadly Gazes Upon Slowly Disappearing Tempur-Pedic Imprint

issue 4410 | 03.05.08 |
Both iPod Headphones Removed Out Of Respect

issue 4410 | 03.05.08 |
Everyone In Gym Class Curious If New Kid Can Crab-Walk

issue 4410 | 03.05.08 |