Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 15, 2008 - March 21, 2008 | Issue 44•11

Shroud Of Turin Accidentally Washed With Red Shirt

VATICAN CITY—The Shroud of Turin, an ancient linen cloth believed to bear the image of Christ and considered by many clerics and devotees to be one of the holiest relics of the Christian faith, was inadvertently dyed a light shade of pink after being washed with a red T-shirt,...

Novelists Strike Fails To Affect Nation Whatsoever

issue 4411 | 03.15.08 | News

LOS ANGELES—The economy has seen no adverse effects, as American consumers easily adjust to the sudden cessation of any bold new sprawling... more»
Some Old Man Still Churning Out Marmaduke

issue 4411 | 03.14.08 | News

MONTGOMERY, TX—"I love what I do," said the elderly cartoonist, his body and mind crippled by an endless and repetitive stream of doodles... more»
DOT Creates New Lane For Reckless Drivers

issue 4411 | 03.12.08 | News

WASHINGTON—Signs for the lane will feature the icon of a swerving 1988 Mercury Grand Marquis with a mattress tied to the top by a single length... more»
Frito-Lay Family Of Products Leaned On During Difficult Time

issue 4411 | 03.14.08 | News In Brief

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Thirty-nine-year-old Dwayne Keener, whose marriage and job both recently ended, told reporters Monday that the Frito-Lay... more»
U.S. Not Planning To Attack Iran, Says U.S. Iran War Czar

issue 4411 | 03.13.08 | News In Brief

USS STENNIS, PERSIAN GULF—U.S. Iran War Czar Gen. Glenn Jacobs, the general director of the U.S. Center of the Invasion of more»
Actor Matthew McConaughey Agrees To Star In Whatever

issue 4411 | 03.12.08 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—Actor Matthew McConaughey announced Tuesday that he has accepted a 6, maybe $7 million offer to star in Whatever. "I'm happy to do... more»
87 Killed In Violent Kerfuffle

issue 4411 | 03.11.08 | News In Brief

ISLAMABAD—Eighty-seven people were killed and 114 wounded at an open-air market in Islamabad yesterday in one of the worst ruckuses to... more»
Man In Suit Slams Fist On Desk

issue 4411 | 03.10.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—A man wearing a suit slammed the fleshy portion of his fist on a mahogany desk Monday in an attempt to further emphasize a terse and... more»
Packers Tell Fans They Gave Favre To A Nice Farm Family

issue 4411 | 03.13.08 | Sports News

GREEN BAY, WI—The Green Bay Packers addressed questions concerning the current status, future plans, and whereabouts of recently retired... more»
New York Governor Resigns

issue 4411 | 03.14.08 | American Voices

After confessing to being involved in a prostitution ring, New York governor Eliott Spitzer resigned Wednesday. What do you think? more»
The Fed's Bank Bailout

issue 4411 | 03.13.08 | American Voices

The Federal Reserve announced that they would be setting up a $200 billion program to assist struggling banks. What do you think? more»
Sedatives In New York Drinking Water

issue 4411 | 03.12.08 | American Voices

A test of the reservoir that supplies drinking water for New York city turned up traces of numerous drugs, including caffeine, hormones, and... more»
Lawyer Sues Casinos Over Gambling Addiction

issue 4411 | 03.11.08 | American Voices

A former lawyer has named six Atlantic City casinos in a 20-million dollar lawsuit claiming that they did not prevent her from losing nearly one... more»
MPAA Backs Off College Students

issue 4411 | 03.10.08 | American Voices

After charging that college students were responsible for 44 percent of revenue losses due to illegal downloading of movies, the Motion Picture... more»
Organic Hunter Relies On Chronic Wasting Disease To Kill Deer

issue 4411 | 03.17.08 | Radio
New Wonder Drug Gets Users Higher Than Hell

issue 4411 | 03.16.08 | Radio
Couple Upstairs Going At It Again

issue 4411 | 03.15.08 | Radio
Imaginary Rock Band Causes Real Falling Out Among Friends

issue 4411 | 03.14.08 | Radio
Area Man's Pleasing Aroma Will Be Missed

issue 4411 | 03.13.08 | Radio
U.S. To Adopt Caste System

issue 4411 | 03.12.08 | Radio
McCain Captures Wild Delegates Roaming Western Plains

issue 4411 | 03.11.08 | Radio
Sunset Shot At

issue 4411 | 03.11.08 | News In Photos
Snyder's Of Hanover Has Always Been In Pretzels For The Long Haul

issue 4411 | 03.12.08 | Commentary

In this world of ever-changing loyalties, it seems at times as though nothing consistent and permanent remains. Nothing in which one can... more»
Ask A 1920s Baseball Fan

issue 4411 | 03.12.08 | Advice

Frenchy Steinetz is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, "Ask A 1920s Baseball Fan," appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide. more»
eBay CEO Resigns

issue 4411 | 03.12.08 | Infographic

After 10 years, Meg Whitman will be stepping down as CEO of the online auction house eBay. Here are some highlights of her tenure at... more»
Why Was Our Novel Rejected?

issue 4411 | 03.12.08 | Statshot
Delicious Snacks Distract Congressmen From Horrors Of War

issue 4411 | 03.11.08 | Video

A congressional committee discussing Iraq War casualty levels approves of the tasty chips and salsa Rep. Benjamin Sinclair (R-OH) brought to the... more»
Anonymous Philanthropist Donates 200 Human Kidneys To Hospital

issue 4411 | 03.10.08 | Video

Hospital officials hope to locate the good Samaritan that dropped off a sack of human organs in the middle of the night so they can thank him. more»
Are You Interested In Dating Guy Who Works At A Magazine?

issue 4411 | 03.14.08 | Sunday Magazine
Rare Miami Heat Basket Captured On Videotape

issue 4411 | 03.13.08 | Photo Finish
Old Thing Really Heavy

issue 4411 | 03.12.08 |
Separation Anxiety Worsens With Every Step From Corned Beef

issue 4411 | 03.12.08 |
Microwave Quietly Encouraged

issue 4411 | 03.11.08 |