Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 29, 2008 - April 4, 2008 | Issue 44•13

Study: 93% Of People Talked About Once They Leave Room

LOGAN, UT—According to an alarming new study published Monday in the American Journal Of Sociology, the vast majority of Americans are critically discussed after leaving a room occupied by two...

Guy Who Says 'Previously On Heroes' Wishes He Was Guy Who Says 'Previously On Lost'

issue 4413 | 03.29.08 | News

LOS ANGELES—If it were up to him, voice actor David Cavanaugh would emphasize the t in Lost to avoid trailing off and leaving... more»
Dancer Risks Everything

issue 4413 | 03.28.08 | News

CHICAGO—In a daring show of hip-hop-infused ballet, a Chicago Academy of the Arts student put it all on the line and found the rhythm that... more»
Time Traveler: Everyone In The Future Eats Dippin' Dots

issue 4413 | 03.26.08 | News

NEW YORK—"What is this melting dessert of churned animal's milk?" said the man, who came from a future world where Dippin' Dots is the sole... more»
Fearmongers, Warmongers Gather For Annual Mongering Conference

issue 4413 | 03.28.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Approximately 550 mongers in the fields of war, hate, and fear mongered together at the Washington D.C. Marriott last week as part... more»
Marine Determined To Win Heart, Mind Of At Least One Iraqi

issue 4413 | 03.27.08 | News In Brief

BAGHDAD—Despite several failed attempts to secure the popular support of the Iraqi people, Lance Cpl. David Hoekner told reporters Monday... more»
Area 5-Year-Old Telling, Area 5-Year-Old Telling

issue 4413 | 03.26.08 | News In Brief

SANDWICH, MA—Sources who just saw you do that are now reporting that, oh man, area little brother Ryan, 5, has made definitive plans to tell... more»
Guy From Sopranos Drops By Local Pizza Parlor For Free Slice

issue 4413 | 03.25.08 | News In Brief

MANALAPAN, NJ—Upon getting hungry, actor Tony Sirico, best known for his role as Paulie "Walnuts" Gualtieri on The Sopranos, drove... more»
JPMorgan Chase Acquires Bear Stearns In Tedious-To-Read News Article

issue 4413 | 03.21.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—As a volatile market reacts to news of the Bear Stearns fire-sale deal with a surge in stock prices but reduced bond yield, officers... more»
Pat Riley's Sexual Bribes Tempt David Stern To Allow Heat Into Playoffs

issue 4413 | 03.27.08 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Sources close to the NBA commissioner say David Stern may yet succumb to the powerfully intoxicating sexual advances of Miami head... more»
90210 Being Remade

issue 4413 | 03.28.08 | American Voices

Nineties teen soap opera Beverly Hills 90210 is being remade with a whole new cast of characters. What do you think? more»
25% Of Teen Girls Infected With STD

issue 4413 | 03.27.08 | American Voices

In a new study, the Centers for Disease Control found that at least one in four teenage girls nationwide has a sexually transmitted disease. What... more»
Gibson Sues Over Guitar Hero

issue 4413 | 03.26.08 | American Voices

Guitar maker Gibson is suing MTV Networks and Electronic Arts, stating that the company has not been paid for a patent it owns for virtual guitar... more»
Meat Factory Explodes

issue 4413 | 03.25.08 | American Voices

An Arkansas meatpacking plant exploded on Sunday, destroying the factory and forcing nearly 200 people living nearby to evacuate their homes. What... more»
Is Europe Al-Qaeda Target?

issue 4413 | 03.24.08 | American Voices

In a new audiotape, Osama bin Laden blasted Danish newspapers for republishing cartoons featuring images of the Prophet Muhammad, and threatened... more»
Move To Houseboat Regretted By Third Day

issue 4413 | 03.30.08 | Radio
Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?

issue 4413 | 03.29.08 | Radio
Tropical Storm Brings Deadly Cloud Of Worthless Knickknacks Up East Coast

issue 4413 | 03.28.08 | Radio
Microwavable Steak Renews Area Man's Faith In Humanity

issue 4413 | 03.27.08 | Radio
Congress Calls For Removal Of Land Mines From Congress

issue 4413 | 03.26.08 | Radio
Federal Reserve Announces Emergency Release Of Butterflies

issue 4413 | 03.25.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - March 24, 2008

issue 4413 | 03.24.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Michelangelo's David Updated

issue 4413 | 03.25.08 | News In Photos
I'm Starting This Foundation So Inner-City Youths Will Have The Pole-Vaulting Opportunities I Never Had

issue 4413 | 03.26.08 | Commentary

Take a look around at the state of our schools, the violence on TV, and the drugs on our streets, and you'll see why so many of our children... more»
These Tropical-Colored Braces Are Going To Get You So Much Ass

issue 4413 | 03.26.08 | Commentary

Walking out of this office with braces for the first time can be a difficult ordeal, and I understand you probably feel insecure about how it... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4413 | 03.25.08 | Horoscopes
Clinton's Schedule Released

issue 4413 | 03.26.08 | Infographic

In order to assist her presidential bid, the William J. Clinton Presidential Library has made public 11,000 pages of Hillary Clinton's... more»
What is Recording Artist T-Pain Working On?

issue 4413 | 03.26.08 | Statshot
China Celebrates Its Status As World’s Number One Air Polluter

issue 4413 | 04.20.09 | Video

China revels in a UN report that found it has the highest smog levels in the world, a sure sign of China’s progress and prosperity. more»
Today Now! Host Tracy Gill Recommends New Tracy Gill Biography

issue 4413 | 03.26.08 | Video

Tracy Gill talks with the author of a new book about the morning show diva we all love to hate: Tracy Gill. more»
Top 10 Products to Battle Consumerism

issue 4413 | 03.28.08 | Sunday Magazine
David Ortiz Plays Games In Japan Wearing Camera, Fanny Pack

issue 4413 | 03.27.08 | Photo Finish
Cell Mate Still Sucks At Harmonica After 42 Years

issue 4413 | 03.26.08 | Newswire
Sixth Beer Steps In To Speak For Area Man

issue 4413 | 03.26.08 | Newswire