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April 5, 2008 - April 11, 2008 | Issue 44•14

Report: Nation's Gentrified Neighborhoods Threatened By Aristocratization

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the Brookings Institution, a Washington-based think tank, the recent influx of exceedingly affluent powder-wigged aristocrats into the...

New Texas-Style Yogurt To Feed Man-Size Hunger For Yogurt

issue 4414 | 04.05.08 | News

MINNEAPOLIS—"Open wide boys," Yoplait representatives announced. "Whether you're a tough guy, a badass, or a stone-cold sonofabitch, this is... more»
Comedian Jim Breuer At College Party For Some Reason

issue 4414 | 04.04.08 | News

COLUMBIA, MO—"I looked over and there's the guy from Half Baked," said sophomore Steve Kendall after hearing the comedian's "odd but... more»
Blood...Blood Everywhere

issue 4414 | 04.02.08 | News

DAVENPORT, IA—Accompanied by a familiar, yet foreign odor, the blood has begun to flow from walls, floors, and, in one isolated incident, from... more»
BP Opens Multi-Floor, 1,000-Pump Flagship Gas Station In Times Square

issue 4414 | 04.05.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Tourists and gas-lovers from around the nation flocked to New York City Saturday for the grand opening of the five-story,... more»
Computer Being Stupid

issue 4414 | 04.04.08 | News In Brief

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After multiple attempts to get the thing to do the thing, 38-year-old freelance writer Joe Garvin gave up Saturday, citing the... more»
Good Cop, Avid-Stamp-Collector Cop Routine Not Working

issue 4414 | 04.03.08 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—An ongoing interrogation at the Los Angeles Police Department's downtown precinct has not been as successful as hoped, despite... more»
Wacky Morning Zoo Crew DJ Threatened By Younger, Wackier Morning Zoo Crew DJ

issue 4414 | 04.02.08 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—Unyielding feelings of self-doubt have plagued popular Atlanta-area Zoo Crew DJ Steve "The Hedgehog" Stevens since early Monday... more»
Search For 'Kick-Ass Shelves' Continues

issue 4414 | 04.01.08 | News In Brief

WARRENTON, OR—After two months of fruitless searching, roommates Trevor Hyzer and Frank Janikowski said Monday that they would not... more»
Ted Danson Totally Nails Tonight Show Interview

issue 4414 | 03.31.08 | News In Brief

BURBANK, CA—Despite his initial anxiety, actor Ted Danson reported Tuesday that he "totally nailed" an important five-minute interview... more»
Memphis Players Have Long, Complicated Explanation Of How They Are This Year's 'Rumpelstiltzkin' Story

issue 4414 | 04.03.08 | Sports News

SAN ANTONIO—Although no Cinderella teams made it to this year's Final Four, the Memphis Tigers held an extended press conference Wednesday... more»
Bernanke Says Recession Possible

issue 4414 | 04.04.08 | American Voices

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said that the United States would face stagnation, and possibly recession, in the first half of 2008. What do... more»
Weiland Out Of Velvet Revolver

issue 4414 | 04.03.08 | American Voices

Rock band Velvet Revolver has parted ways with singer Scott Weiland, saying in a statement that Weiland "wasn't 100 percent committed" to the fans... more»
Farmers Planting Less Corn

issue 4414 | 04.02.08 | American Voices

Despite a record demand for corn caused in part by ethanol fuel, American farmers are expected to plant 8 percent less corn in 2008 than they did... more»
Al-Qaeda Recruiting Western-Looking Operatives

issue 4414 | 04.01.08 | American Voices

Central Intelligence Director Michael Hayden said on Meet The Press that al-Qaeda was training operatives who "look Western" in order to... more»
McCain Highlights Foreign Policy Differences

issue 4414 | 03.31.08 | American Voices

In an effort to distance himself from President Bush's foreign policy, John McCain called for closing Guantanamo Bay and said the Unites States... more»
Pope Condemns College Of Cardinals For Host-Flicking

issue 4414 | 04.07.08 | Radio
Naked Man Mingles Freely In Locker Room

issue 4414 | 04.06.08 | Radio
Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again

issue 4414 | 04.05.08 | Radio
FDA Approves Napalm Breast Implants

issue 4414 | 04.04.08 | Radio
New Personal MRIs Allow Paparazzi To Scan Celebrity Organs

issue 4414 | 04.03.08 | Radio
Hillary Receives 3 a.m. Phone Call From Drunken Bill Clinton

issue 4414 | 04.02.08 | Radio
New U.S. Smiley-Face Dollar To Boost Economy

issue 4414 | 04.01.08 | Radio
McDonald's Birthday Party To Be Happiest Time In Child's Life

issue 4414 | 03.31.08 | Radio
More Talking with John McCain

issue 4414 | 03.31.08 | Weekly Radio Address

President Bush and Sen. John McCain meet for a second time to discuss important matters of State. more»
Editorial Cartoon - March 31, 2008

issue 4414 | 03.31.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Novelty Pencil Worn Down To The Nub

issue 4414 | 04.01.08 | News In Photos
Stop Making Movies About My Books

issue 4414 | 04.02.08 | Commentary

On the fourteenth of March, in towns nationwide, In every cinema, multiplex, on every barnside, Gleamed another adapting... more»
Smoove Is Waiting

issue 4414 | 04.03.08 | Columnists

Girl, there comes a time when even a strong, well-dressed man must admit defeat. It has been a long time since we broke up and you... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4414 | 04.01.08 | Horoscopes
Celebrity Drug Busts

issue 4414 | 04.02.08 | Infographic

Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora is the latest in a rash of celebrities charged with DUI. What other celebrities have suffered public or... more»
Why Are We Leaving The Party?

issue 4414 | 04.02.08 | Statshot
Hungry FDA Official Orders Massive Pot Pie Recall

issue 4414 | 04.02.08 | Video

The FDA is urging all Americans in possession of flaky, delicious pot pies to turn them in to FDA headquarters as soon as possible. more»
9/11 Conspiracy Theories 'Ridiculous,' Al Qaeda Says

issue 4414 | 03.31.08 | Video

An Al Qaeda representative says that claims the U.S. government was behind the attacks on Sept. 11th are demeaning to Al Qaeda. more»
More Innovative Products

issue 4414 | 04.05.08 | Slideshow
Something Important: Are We Forgetting To Do It Right Now?

issue 4414 | 04.04.08 | Sunday Magazine
C.C. Sabathia's Paunch Undulates Hypnotically In Cool Spring Breeze

issue 4414 | 04.03.08 | Photo Finish
Absentminded Surgeon Accidentally Leaves Tumor In Patient

issue 4414 | 04.02.08 | Newswire
Waitress Too Attractive For Man To Order Nachos

issue 4414 | 04.02.08 | Newswire
Guitar Removed From Closet For Annual 'Enter Sandman' Attempt

issue 4414 | 04.02.08 | Newswire