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April 12, 2008 - April 18, 2008 | Issue 44•15

Mead Releases New Grad-School-Ruled Notebook

RICHMOND, VA—After decades of only offering ruled notebook paper suitable for college-level education and below, school-supply giant Mead introduced its new grad-school-ruled notebook Monday, which features lines twice as narrow as college-ruled...

Grandfathers Accidentally Switched At Hospital

issue 4415 | 04.12.08 | News

LOS ANGELES—Hospital officials informed Janice Redding that the man her family knew as "Grandpa" for the past half-year actually belonged to... more»
Area Man Makes It Through Day

issue 4415 | 04.11.08 | News

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Besieged on all sides by such opponents as suburban conformity, inner emptiness, and virus laden spam e-mail, Adam Blume... more»
Iraq War Memorial Planners Forced To Revise Length Again

issue 4415 | 04.09.08 | News

WASHINGTON—With so many more patriots to honor, the memorial has been extended past the Washington Monument and into the southbound lane of... more»
Sabra Hummus: Cedar's Hummus Lacks Experience Necessary To Become America's No. 1 Hummus

issue 4415 | 04.11.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Sabra Hummus blasted rival Cedar's Hummus Monday for lacking the ability, competence, and texture that Americans deserve from their... more»
Judge Awards Heather Mills Writing Credit On 'Eleanor Rigby'

issue 4415 | 04.10.08 | News In Brief

LONDON—In addition to the $48.6 million in child support recently awarded Sir Paul McCartney's estranged wife, Heather Mills, the 40-year-old... more»
Businessman Takes Power Bath

issue 4415 | 04.09.08 | News In Brief

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Citing a need to compete in today's "cutthroat" business environment, PricewaterhouseCoopers CEO Samuel DiPiazza has... more»
Report: 84% Of Americans Currently Contestants

issue 4415 | 04.08.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—According to a report issued by the U.S. Department of Prizes Monday, 84 percent of Americans are, at any given moment,... more»
Olympic Torch Used To Ignite Tibetan Protesters

issue 4415 | 04.07.08 | News In Brief

BEIJING—A universally recognized symbol of goodwill, the Olympic torch was used to immolate hundreds of Tibetan protesters during its journey... more»
Goalie Clearly Living In Net

issue 4415 | 04.10.08 | Sports News

NASHVILLE—After reporters and fans observed a number of personal belongings accumulating around the south goal in Nashville's Sommet Center,... more»
Beer Production Threatened By Climate Change

issue 4415 | 04.11.08 | American Voices

According to New Zealand climatologist Jim Salinger, climate change may result in reduced malted barley, which would limit beer production. What do... more»
Homeland Security Waives Environmental Law

issue 4415 | 04.10.08 | American Voices

The Department of Homeland Security used its authority to waive environmental and land-management laws to complete a 670-mile border fence between... more»
Clintons Made $109 Million

issue 4415 | 04.09.08 | American Voices

According to recently released tax returns, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton and former president Bill Clinton have made $109 million since they left... more»
Charlton Heston Dies

issue 4415 | 04.08.08 | American Voices

Charlton Heston, National Rifle Association spokesman and star of The Omega Man, The Ten Commandments, and Planet Of The Apes,... more»
Apple Tops Wal-Mart In Music Sales

issue 4415 | 04.07.08 | American Voices

According to the most current available retail statistics, Apple Inc. has surpassed Wal-Mart to become the No. 1 music retailer in the country.... more»
Guys Night Out To Feature Several Key Non-Guys

issue 4415 | 04.14.08 | Radio
Man From Last Week Smacked Into Present Day

issue 4415 | 04.13.08 | Radio
New Colored Light Added To Traffic Signals

issue 4415 | 04.12.08 | Radio
Gypsy Curse Lifted From Montana

issue 4415 | 04.11.08 | Radio
$46,000 Vacuumed Out Of White House Couch

issue 4415 | 04.10.08 | Radio
Cheney Re-Grows Limb In Front Of Shocked Advisers

issue 4415 | 04.09.08 | Radio
Hostage Taken Out For Night On The Town

issue 4415 | 04.08.08 | Radio
Fixing NATO

issue 4415 | 04.07.08 | Weekly Radio Address

The President reports on his trip to Romania for the latest NATO conference. more»
Editorial Cartoon - April 7, 2008

issue 4415 | 04.07.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Charlton Heston's Gun Taken From His Cold, Dead Hands

issue 4415 | 04.07.08 | News In Photos
If It's Any Consolation, I Am Going To Shoot Myself After I Kill All Of You

issue 4415 | 04.09.08 | Commentary

I want all of you to know that I totally empathize with everything you'll soon be going through. Nobody likes to learn that their lives are... more»
I Can't Imagine Why Anybody Would Want To Stop Crying

issue 4415 | 04.09.08 | Commentary

Life has so many wonderful experiences to offer. Like sleep. Or ingestion and evacuation. But I find life offers few opportunities more... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4415 | 04.08.08 | Horoscopes
Group Blasts Pork-Barrel Spending

issue 4415 | 04.09.08 | Infographic

The watchdog group Citizens Against Government Waste has released its latest edition of the "Pig Book," a list of government earmark... more»
What Are We Encouraging In Our Children?

issue 4415 | 04.09.08 | Statshot
Suspicious Package Industry Falls On Hard Times

issue 4415 | 04.09.08 | Video

New security measures put in place to allay terror fears are threatening to drive suspicious package retailers out of business. more»
Plight Of Missing Hikers Will Make Great Movie

issue 4415 | 04.07.08 | Video

Media speculation is rampant over what exciting action sequences and romantic subplots the hikers may be experiencing if they are still alive. more»
More Marijuana

issue 4415 | 04.25.08 | Slideshow
Marijuana

issue 4415 | 04.15.08 | Slideshow
Travel Troubles

issue 4415 | 04.14.08 | Slideshow
Iraq War: 5 Years Later

issue 4415 | 04.09.08 | Slideshow
Meet The Polish Selena

issue 4415 | 04.11.08 | Sunday Magazine
Sepia-Toned Player Being Called The Next DiMaggio

issue 4415 | 04.10.08 | Photo Finish
Artichoke Heart Imbues Man With Courage Of Artichoke

issue 4415 | 04.09.08 | Newswire
Copy Of Eat, Pray, Love Left On Elliptical

issue 4415 | 04.09.08 | Newswire
Milton Bradley Executives Locked In Deadly Game Of Stratego

issue 4415 | 04.09.08 | Newswire