Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 19, 2008 - April 25, 2008 | Issue 44•16

Southwest Airlines Now Taking Passengers To Destinations By Shuttle Bus

DALLAS—In what the company is calling a "bold new leap" in comfort, convenience and overall quality of travel, Southwest Airlines announced Monday that it would be replacing its...

Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building

issue 4416 | 04.19.08 | News

IOWA CITY, IA—The mouse briskly traversed the complicated wooden maze in under 30 seconds, roughly 1/8,789,258 the time it took to secure... more»
Nation Agrees Not To Talk About Politics

issue 4416 | 04.18.08 | News

WASHINGTON—"With the economy and all these other problems on our minds, there's no point getting riled up about politics," Pittsburgh resident... more»
Oprah Launches Own Reality

issue 4416 | 04.16.08 | News

CHICAGO—"Oprah was always the queen of her time slot, and now she is the queen of Time," said Winfrey's publicist on day one of "Year O" in the... more»
Chuck Berry Remembers Call From Cousin About White Kid Playing 'Johnny B. Goode'

issue 4416 | 04.18.08 | News In Brief

WENTZVILLE, MO—In a shocking revelation that turns a half century of rock-and-roll history on its head, legendary musician Chuck Berry... more»
Chinese Class Clown Executed

issue 4416 | 04.17.08 | News In Brief

BEIJING—Known among schoolmates for his spirited antics and ability to make light of almost any situation, classroom jokester Wei Xiang, 11,... more»
Area Man Honored To Have Name In Hat

issue 4416 | 04.16.08 | News In Brief

ST. CLOUD, MN—Rotary Club banquet attendee Phil Tipton, 46, told reporters Monday that he was "humbled" to have his name included in the... more»
Mass E-Mail Only Has Four Recipients

issue 4416 | 04.15.08 | News In Brief

TALLAHASSEE, FL—A self-described mass e-mail containing the subject line "URGENT: Please help!" was sent from Jerrod32@gmail.com to only four... more»
Gay Guy's Gay Thing Well Attended

issue 4416 | 04.14.08 | News In Brief

ROCHESTER, NY—According to gay sources, local gay guy Joshua Norstrand's latest gay dance party or art thing was attended by as many as... more»
Yankees Bury Bernie Williams Under New Stadium For Good Luck

issue 4416 | 04.17.08 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Citing a need for physical and spiritual cleansing after a Boston Red Sox fan entombed a David Ortiz jersey in the floor of the new... more»
Plastics May Emit Toxins

issue 4416 | 04.18.08 | American Voices

A new report from the National Toxicology Program has raised concerns about bisphenol, a chemical found in baby bottles and sport water bottles... more»
FCC Fines Electronics Retailers

issue 4416 | 04.17.08 | American Voices

The Federal Communications Commission levied nearly $6 million in fines to retailers such as Best Buy and Sears for failing to inform consumers... more»
Obama Dogged By 'Bitter' Remarks

issue 4416 | 04.16.08 | American Voices

Barack Obama continues to be criticized after telling a San Francisco crowd that people in economically depressed towns were bitter about... more»
One in Five Scientists Use Brain Enhancing Drugs

issue 4416 | 04.15.08 | American Voices

One in five respondents to a poll conducted by the journal Nature said they had used drugs to boost their brain power. What do you... more»
Bed Found In Fundamentalist Temple

issue 4416 | 04.14.08 | American Voices

Authorities searching a temple in the Texas compound of the Fundamentalist Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints found a bed they believe was... more»
Passover Seder Half-Assed

issue 4416 | 04.21.08 | Radio
Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot

issue 4416 | 04.20.08 | Radio
Plan 'L' Switched To

issue 4416 | 04.19.08 | Radio
Vacationing Teen Introduces Wilco To West Indies

issue 4416 | 04.18.08 | Radio
Panicked Diver Forgets Everything Except Capital Of Delaware

issue 4416 | 04.17.08 | Radio
Giant Greenhouse Built Over Nation Blamed For Climate Change

issue 4416 | 04.16.08 | Radio
If There's A Ferret Heaven, Area Woman's Dead Ferret Is In it

issue 4416 | 04.15.08 | Radio
Revenue Drive

issue 4416 | 04.14.08 | Weekly Radio Address

President Bush addresses the importance of sending in your annual income tax form. more»
Editorial Cartoon - April 14, 2008

issue 4416 | 04.14.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Hypothetical Multi-Ethnic Customer Base Smiles Down From HMO Billboard

issue 4416 | 04.15.08 | News In Photos
That Professor Lasky From Saved By The Bell: The College Years Was A Real Jerk

issue 4416 | 04.16.08 | Commentary

Let me begin by saying that I'm not one to start trouble or talk bad about someone behind their back. But I've been thinking about this a... more»
Shark!

issue 4416 | 04.16.08 | Commentary

As the weather warms up, a lot more people will be making their way to this beautiful... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4416 | 04.15.08 | Horoscopes
Florida Legalizes Taking Guns To Work

issue 4416 | 04.16.08 | Infographic

Florida legislators passed a bill allowing citizens to bring their guns to work. Here are some of the other pro-gun laws enacted... more»
Who Are We Running From?

issue 4416 | 04.16.08 | Statshot
Congress Debates Merits Of New Catchphrase

issue 4416 | 04.16.08 | Video

Rep. William Cummings (D-VA) defends his use of the slang word "pronk" as a legitimate catchphrase. more»
Wildly Popular 'Iron Man' Trailer To Be Adapted Into Full-Length Film

issue 4416 | 04.14.08 | Video

Fans are worried that the feature film adaptation of the beloved trailer won't live up to the original 90-second story's vision. more»
Author Tom DeLillo

issue 4416 | 04.18.08 | Sunday Magazine
Jackie Robinson Honored With Trivia Question

issue 4416 | 04.17.08 | Photo Finish
George Lucas Marks Place In Star Wars Pop-Up Book, Goes To Bed

issue 4416 | 04.15.08 | Newswire
Wedding Ring Jammed Into Slot Machine

issue 4416 | 04.15.08 | Newswire
Painting Of Safe Suspected Of Concealing Safe

issue 4416 | 04.15.08 | Newswire