Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 26, 2008 - May 2, 2008 | Issue 44•17

New Chemical Weapon 'Ennui Gas' Induces Listlessness, Dissatisfaction With Life

WASHINGTON—Calling it the most effective tool to date in the War on Terror, the Pentagon announced Monday that it had developed a new chemical weapon called "ennui gas," a nerve agent that...

Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet

issue 4417 | 04.26.08 | News

BATON ROUGE, LA—Veteran partier Adam Girard was seen pedaling down the street on a neighbor’s bicycle, yelling that he going swimming and... more»
NASA Intern Hoping To Go On Space Walk Before He Leaves In June

issue 4417 | 04.25.08 | News

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—"I'm already a fixture around here, and I get along great with everybody," said the eager 20-year-old cultural... more»
Rubber Band Needed

issue 4417 | 04.23.08 | News

RALIEGH, NC—"There's got to be a rubber band around here somewhere," said market researcher Ron Meyer, who repeatedly shunned other... more»
Commas, Turning Up, Everywhere

issue 4417 | 04.25.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In the midst of a crisis that may have reached a breaking, point Tuesday afternoon, linguists, and grammarians, everywhere say... more»
Family Feud Pollster Tired Of Asking Strangers To Name A Fruit Typically Served With Breakfast

issue 4417 | 04.24.08 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Though he has only questioned 22 of the 100 people needed to complete his survey, veteran Family Feud pollster Rick... more»
Elderly Woman Applying Makeup Most Heartbreaking Thing On Earth

issue 4417 | 04.23.08 | News In Brief

PARMA, OH—In an unbelievably heartrending and entirely futile undertaking intended to recapture some infinitesimal shred of her faded beauty... more»
Botanists Vow Not To Discuss Botany During After-Work Drinks

issue 4417 | 04.22.08 | News In Brief

AMHERST, MA—After years of promising not to discuss work after hours but always failing, botanists at Hampshire College's Agricultural... more»
Financial Analysts Offer To Talk About Recession For $5

issue 4417 | 04.21.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—With the nation almost certainly headed toward a recession, a coalition of top financial analysts announced Monday that they... more»
Isiah Thomas: 'My Time With The Knicks Was Actually A Large-Scale Psychological Study Of New York Residents'

issue 4417 | 04.24.08 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Ousted Knicks coach and president Isiah Thomas, who presided over the team during one of the least successful and most shameful... more»
Snow Moves To CNN

issue 4417 | 04.25.08 | American Voices

Former Fox News personality and White House press secretary began his stint as a political contributor on CNN this Monday. What do you think? more»
Army Engineer Passed Nuclear Secrets

issue 4417 | 04.24.08 | American Voices

An 84-year-old former Army engineer was arrested for passing on defense secrets to Israel, including documents about nuclear weapons, between 1979... more»
Sims Sales Top 100 Million

issue 4417 | 04.23.08 | American Voices

EA Games announced that it has sold 100 million units of its life-simulation video game The Sims since 2000. What do you think? more»
Pope Delivers Yankee Mass

issue 4417 | 04.22.08 | American Voices

Pope Benedict XVI concluded his trip to the United States by celebrating Sunday Mass at New York's Yankee Stadium. What do you think? more»
Poll: McCain Getting Even

issue 4417 | 04.21.08 | American Voices

According to an AP-Yahoo poll, Sen. John McCain was roughly tied with any Democratic candidate, a dramatic shift from a November poll in which a... more»
Researchers Discover Massive Asshole In Blogosphere

issue 4417 | 04.28.08 | Radio
Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot

issue 4417 | 04.27.08 | Radio
Nation's Last Themeless Restaurant Closes

issue 4417 | 04.26.08 | Radio
Entire Coffee Cake Consumed Over Trash Can

issue 4417 | 04.25.08 | Radio
Convicted Forger Freed By Presidential Pardon

issue 4417 | 04.24.08 | Radio
Amtrak's New Lady Train Debuts

issue 4417 | 04.23.08 | Radio
Congress Overrun By Wolves

issue 4417 | 04.22.08 | Radio
A Popely Visit

issue 4417 | 04.21.08 | Weekly Radio Address

In his final Weekly Radio Address, President Bush welcomes the Pope to the White House. more»
Editorial Cartoon - April 21, 2008

issue 4417 | 04.21.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Dead Deer By Side Of Road Covered In Graffiti

issue 4417 | 04.22.08 | News In Photos
Listen, Can You Do Me A Favor And Join The Army?

issue 4417 | 04.23.08 | Commentary

Hey, can you do something for me real quick? Could you enlist in the Army? I'm only asking because I was just wondering about it, because it... more»
Hanna Montana's Secret Identity…Revealed!

issue 4417 | 04.23.08 | Columnists

Item! Have you ever noticed that you never see Miley Cyrus and Hanna Montana in the same room at the same time? (She's kind of... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4417 | 04.22.08 | Horoscopes
Campus Security Measures Increased

issue 4417 | 04.23.08 | Infographic

It's been one year since the tragic killings at Virginia Tech, and campuses across the country have ramped up security to protect... more»
What's Our Secret Love?

issue 4417 | 04.23.08 | Statshot
Study: Nearly 80 Percent Of Roommates Got So Drunk Last Night

issue 4417 | 04.21.08 | Video

A survey by the Shuttleworth Research Center found that the majority of male roommates ages 18-24 got wasted off their asses the previous evening. more»
NASA

issue 4417 | 04.17.09 | Slideshow
A Statement Followed By A Question Separated By A Colon

issue 4417 | 04.25.08 | Sunday Magazine
Sam Cassell Seen Playing For Rockets, Suns, Celtics

issue 4417 | 04.24.08 | Photo Finish
New Legislation Would Classify Three Or More Gathered Homosexuals As Parade

issue 4417 | 04.23.08 | Newswire
Area Man Awards Self Five Points For Slam-Dunking Takeout Container Into Trash

issue 4417 | 04.23.08 | Newswire
Amazing Psychic Bends Truth With Mind

issue 4417 | 04.23.08 | Newswire
Chess Onlooker Sees A Move You Can Do

issue 4417 | 04.22.08 | Newswire