Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 3, 2008 - May 9, 2008 | Issue 44•18

Atlantic City Cocktail Waitress Crowned In Mistress USA Pageant

TRENTON, NJ—Lacey Lauderdale, a 25-year-old cocktail waitress at the Showboat Casino & Hotel in Atlantic City, was named the winner of the 2008 Mistress USA Pageant, a...

New 'Get The Fuck Outta The Road' Program Aims To Increase Pedestrian Safety

issue 4418 | 05.03.08 | News

WASHINGTON—The program is designed as "an easy-to-understand informational tool that will hopefully get future geniuses to pay the fuck... more»
Potential Employee Uprising Quelled With Free Pizza

issue 4418 | 05.02.08 | News

NEW YORK—Besides suppressing office acrimony, the pizza appeared to subdue frustrated employees on a physical level, leaving many full and... more»
Man In Inner Tube Completes First Lazy Transatlantic Journey

issue 4418 | 04.30.08 | News

LA ROCHELLE, FRANCE—"You just have to go with the flow," said the epic hero, who navigated and survived the 3,012 nautical mile journey with... more»
Son Discovers Dad's Welcome Back, Kotter Spec Script While Cleaning Out Attic

issue 4418 | 05.02.08 | News In Brief

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—While cleaning out his parents' attic Sunday, Mark Norton, 24, stumbled upon a Welcome Back, Kotter spec script... more»
Dying Newspaper Trend Buys Nation's Newspapers Three More Weeks

issue 4418 | 05.01.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—A recent glut of feature stories on the death of the American newspaper has temporarily made the outmoded form of media appealing... more»
Naughty Butcher Specializes In Penis-Shaped Veal Cutlet

issue 4418 | 04.30.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Although he is adept at fashioning representations of genitalia out of raw meats, ranging from pork belly to giblets, 36-year-old... more»
Gears Of War Crimes Court Finds 2006 Locust Horde Massacre Justified

issue 4418 | 04.29.08 | News In Brief

JACINTO PLATEAU, SERA—An independent group holding a Gears of War Crimes Tribunal at the Coalition of Ordered Governments headquarters... more»
Man Use Big Word

issue 4418 | 04.28.08 | News In Brief

HERE—Tom, a guy who think he so smart, use big word Tuesday and make feel stupid. "You are a traw-glow-dite," Tom said, and then he... more»
Terrell Owens Not Sure About This 'Pac-Man Jones' Character

issue 4418 | 05.01.08 | Sports News

IRVING, TX—Upon hearing that team owner Jerry Jones had traded draft picks to the Tennessee Titans for troubled cornerback Adam "Pac-Man"... more»
LSD Inventor Dead

issue 4418 | 05.02.08 | American Voices

Albert Hofmann, the Swiss chemist who created the hallucinogen LSD, died the age of 102. What do you think? more»
Hospital-Record Snoop Indicted

issue 4418 | 05.01.08 | American Voices

A former administrative specialist at the UCLA hospital was indicted for illegally accessing the medical records of some celebrities, including... more»
Dean: One Candidate Must Quit

issue 4418 | 04.30.08 | American Voices

Democratic Party chairman Howard Dean said that, in order to maintain party unity, either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama would have to drop out of... more»
Price Clubs Restricting Rice Sales

issue 4418 | 04.29.08 | American Voices

Because of incidents of hoarding, Sam's Club and Costco have put limits on the amounts of certain kinds of rice consumers can buy. What do... more»
Diet Could Affect Gender

issue 4418 | 04.28.08 | American Voices

A new report from Oxford and the University of Exeter in England says that diet at conception can influence the sex of the child. What do... more»
Four-Year Descent Into Complete Self-Obsession Live-Blogged

issue 4418 | 05.05.08 | Radio
Longtime Sexual Fantasy Awkwardly Fulfilled

issue 4418 | 05.04.08 | Radio
Urinator Apprehended

issue 4418 | 05.03.08 | Radio
Workaholic Wakes Up In Pool Of Own Paperwork

issue 4418 | 05.02.08 | Radio
President Bush Unveils New 'Impotence Only' Sex Policy

issue 4418 | 05.01.08 | Radio
Rowdy Teens Take Over Local Perkins

issue 4418 | 04.30.08 | Radio
Area Kindergartner Tackles The Shit Out Of Dream Girl

issue 4418 | 04.29.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - April 28, 2008

issue 4418 | 04.28.08 | Editorial Cartoon
12 Shirtless Firemen Save Woman From Year Of Loneliness

issue 4418 | 04.29.08 | News In Photos
I Won't Ever Let The Position Of County Surveyor Go To My Head

issue 4418 | 04.30.08 | Commentary

My fellow citizens of Wayne County, thank you. You have entrusted me with a sacred duty—the most-honored position of surveyor for the... more»
I Couldn't Help But Notice Your Product Hasn't Been Endorsed By Anyone Yet

issue 4418 | 04.30.08 | Commentary

p>My specially designed Tiger Woods TAG Heuer watch read 11:45 a.m. yesterday when I got back from the practice range. After washing up and shaving... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4418 | 04.29.08 | Horoscopes
Grand Theft Auto IV Hits Stores

issue 4418 | 04.30.08 | Infographic

The latest installment of Rockstar Games' popular Grand Theft Auto franchise hit stores this week. What are some of... more»
What Are We Using As Collateral?

issue 4418 | 04.30.08 | Statshot
Astronauts Suffer Agonizing, High-Pitched Death After Helium Leak

issue 4418 | 04.30.08 | Video

Two astronauts on the International Space Station display courage, honor, and squeaky voices as they struggle to patch a deadly helium leak. more»
NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team

issue 4418 | 04.29.08 | Video

The Miami Dolphins have drafted NHL star Alexander Ovechkin, making his dream to play professional sports a reality. more»
The Silent Killer

issue 4418 | 05.02.08 | Sunday Magazine
Greg Maddux Wears Sweater-Vest To Mound

issue 4418 | 05.01.08 | Photo Finish
Joke About Breakup Leads To Breakup

issue 4418 | 04.30.08 | Newswire
Career Fair Loses Attendees To Career Carnival

issue 4418 | 04.30.08 | Newswire
Plan So Crazy It Just Might Paralyze Everyone Involved

issue 4418 | 04.30.08 | Newswire