Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 10, 2008 - May 16, 2008 | Issue 44•19

30 Years Of Man's Life Disappear In Mysterious 'Kansas Rectangle'

CHICAGO—The so-called "Kansas rectangle," a desolate and featureless region covering 82,277 square miles in America's mysterious Great Plains, has been a source...

Michel Gondry Entertained For Days By New Cardboard Box

issue 4419 | 05.10.08 | News

NEW YORK—Gondry greeted members of the press by placing the box over his head and declaring that he was a lonely building without a skyline... more»
Local Bar Comes Out As Gay

issue 4419 | 05.09.08 | News

SEATTLE—"Once I saw two guys kissing in the bathroom, but I thought they were just drunk. Now it makes perfect sense, though," resident Frank... more»
Pope Returns To Vatican With Comprehensive Plan To Blow Up United States

issue 4419 | 05.07.08 | News

WASHINGTON—In what many believed to be a related incident, a blueprint of New York's proposed Freedom Tower was reported missing the day... more»
Number Of Acceptable Things Candidates Can Say Now Down To Four

issue 4419 | 05.08.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—After Sen. Barack Obama's comments last week about what he typically eats for dinner were criticized by Sen. Hillary Clinton as... more»
Economic Stimulus Check Burned For Warmth

issue 4419 | 05.07.08 | News In Brief

HELENA, MT—Saying the extra bit of kindling material couldn't have come at a better time, 43-year-old school teacher Tim Donaldson received... more»
Watching TV Shows On DVD The Way To Do It, Area Man Reports

issue 4419 | 05.06.08 | News In Brief

MILLERSVILLE, PA—Local resident Thomas Humphrey, 36, blasted traditional American methods of viewing episodic television Monday, proclaiming... more»
Jaded Seismologist Can No Longer Feel Anything Under 7.0 On Richter Scale

issue 4419 | 05.05.08 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—Numbed by 30-plus years of recording more than 700,000 major and minor earthquakes, seismologist Richard Keefer, 58, told... more»
Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda

issue 4419 | 05.08.08 | Sports News

WASHINGTON, DC—An 8,976-foot foul ball off the bat of Washington third baseman Ryan Zimmerman crashed through the U.S. Capitol Building... more»
Earliest American Scat Found

issue 4419 | 05.09.08 | American Voices

The earliest-known fossilized feces was found recently in Oregon, placing humans on the American continents 1000 years earlier than previously... more»
Peanut Allergies May Be Cured

issue 4419 | 05.08.08 | American Voices

According to Duke University medical researchers, a cure for peanut allergies may be five years away. What do you think? more»
Stronger LASIK Warnings Urged

issue 4419 | 05.07.08 | American Voices

An FDA panel urged medical providers to offer more accurate warnings about the risks of refractive laser eye surgery. What do you think? more»
Pittsburgh No. 1 In Soot

issue 4419 | 05.06.08 | American Voices

The American Lung Association named Pittsburgh as the sootiest city in America. What do you think? more»
Walters Had Affair With Senator

issue 4419 | 05.05.08 | American Voices

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Barbara Walters admitted that she had an affair with former U.S. Sen. Edward Brooke. What do you think? more»
Rubik's Cube Solved With Hammer

issue 4419 | 05.12.08 | Radio
Christian Slater Dropped From List Of Names To Drop

issue 4419 | 05.11.08 | Radio
India's Top Physicists Develop Plan To Get The Hell Out Of India

issue 4419 | 05.10.08 | Radio
Cheney Adds Rare '64 Kuwait To Oil Cellar

issue 4419 | 05.09.08 | Radio
Enterprising Dog Opens Own Kennel

issue 4419 | 05.08.08 | Radio
Breakthrough Heinz Bottle Shoots Ketchup With Laser-Like Precision

issue 4419 | 05.07.08 | Radio
Pope Stays Up All Night Telling God About Trip To America

issue 4419 | 05.06.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - May 5, 2008

issue 4419 | 05.05.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Area Man Determined To Get Money’s Worth From Pay Toilet

issue 4419 | 05.07.08 | News In Photos
Miley Cyrus Apologizes For Breasts

issue 4419 | 05.06.08 | News In Photos
I'm The Denzel Washington In Training Day Of Booking Plane Tickets Online

issue 4419 | 05.07.08 | Commentary

Listen up, bitch-ass fools. When it comes to booking airline tickets on the Internet, King Kong ain't got shit on me. I'm the baddest... more»
This International Space Station Is A Pig Sty

issue 4419 | 05.07.08 | Commentary

Flight Engineer Oleg Kononenko, pay attention. And make sure Commander Sergei Volkov and spaceflight participant Yi So-yeon hear this, too.... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4419 | 05.06.08 | Horoscopes
Obama's Minister's Outrageous Comments

issue 4419 | 05.07.08 | Infographic

Reverend Jeremiah A. Wright, Jr., the former pastor of presidential candidate Barack Obama, has been blasted for controversial statements he... more»
What's In It For Us?

issue 4419 | 05.07.08 | Statshot
Age-Progression Technology Indicates Missing Child A Prostitute By Now

issue 4419 | 05.07.08 | Video

Today Now! utilizes computer technology to show a mother how rampant drug use and prostitution has ravaged her little girl's body. more»
Michel Gondry With Box

issue 4419 | 05.10.08 | Slideshow
Hollywood's Slicked-Backed-Hair Men

issue 4419 | 05.08.08 | Slideshow
The Papacy - A Look Back

issue 4419 | 05.07.08 | Slideshow
Natural Childbirth: How Morally Superior Does It Make You?

issue 4419 | 05.09.08 | Sunday Magazine
Bruce Bowen Fouls Back In

issue 4419 | 05.08.08 | Photo Finish
Trial Lawyer's Closing Statement Lifted Straight From 'JAG'

issue 4419 | 05.07.08 | Newswire
Fat Suit No Longer Fits

issue 4419 | 05.07.08 | Newswire
Last Corner In Iraq Turned, Forming Dodecahedron

issue 4419 | 05.07.08 | Newswire