Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 17, 2008 - May 23, 2008 | Issue 44•20

Nation's Slicked-Back-Hair Men Rally Against Negative Hollywood Portrayal

LOS ANGELES—Thousands of members of the slicked-back-hair community gathered in Hollywood Monday to protest the film industry's longtime trend of depicting men with slicked-back...

New Roommate Hopes Five-Hour Fuckfest Didn't Keep You Up

issue 4420 | 05.17.08 | News

OSHKOSH—Brian Penderman went on to explain that the reason his penis was so sore today was because it had repeatedly entered and exited a... more»
San Diego Zoo, Prison Merge

issue 4420 | 05.16.08 | News

SAN DIEGO—The new ultra-efficient complex is open to schoolchildren on field trips, family members of convicted felons, and state-appointed... more»
Everything Falling Apart, Reports Institute For Somehow Managing To Hold It All Together

issue 4420 | 05.14.08 | News

WASHINGTON—"Though we're working to fix things, the situation has become OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE—I just spilled coffee on myself," said the... more»
Tomato Genetically Modified To Be More Expensive

issue 4420 | 05.17.08 | News In Brief

PASADENA, CA—Geneticists at the California Institute of Technology announced Monday that they have developed a tomato with a 31 percent... more»
That's What Host Of 'Showtime At The Apollo' Talking About

issue 4420 | 05.16.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Early reports indicate that yes—yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes—exactly what Showtime At The Apollo host Capone... more»
Formerly Obese Man Always Showing Everyone His Old Pants

issue 4420 | 05.15.08 | News In Brief

RUFFS DALE, PA—According to John Swink's friends, family, coworkers, and casual acquaintances, as well as a growing number of local waiters... more»
Clinton Questions Obama's Ability To Greet World Leaders

issue 4420 | 05.14.08 | News In Brief

CHARLESTON, WV—Hillary Clinton once again attacked Barack Obama on the issue of experience Tuesday, this time questioning the Illinois... more»
Toddler Makes Convincing Case For Being Afraid Of Horse

issue 4420 | 05.13.08 | News In Brief

ACHILLE, OK—Despite only recently gaining the ability to form complete sentences, 2-year-old Trevor Cornett was able to present a clearheaded... more»
Undercover Fireman Infiltrates Three-Alarm Blaze

issue 4420 | 05.12.08 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Plainclothes firefighter Rick Dodd, 32, was commended Tuesday for his successful monthlong operation to infiltrate and... more»
Stackley Cup Playoffs Underway

issue 4420 | 05.15.08 | Sports News

NEW YORK—The 2008 Stackley Cup Playoffs, a set of odd-number-of-games series that will determine the champion of the National Huckie League,... more»
Vatican Okays Space Aliens

issue 4420 | 05.16.08 | American Voices

Vatican chief astronomer Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes stated that belief in extraterrestrial life is not contradictory with church doctrine because... more»
Jimmy Fallon To Host 'Late Night'

issue 4420 | 05.15.08 | American Voices

NBC officially announced that Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan O'Brien as host of Late Night in 2009. What do you think? more»
"Law & Order" Actor Arrested

issue 4420 | 05.14.08 | American Voices

Former Law & Order star Dennis Farina was arrested and charged with a felony after he took a loaded, unregistered handgun to an airport.... more»
Jenna Bush Married

issue 4420 | 05.13.08 | American Voices

First daughter Jenna Bush was married to Henry Chase Hager on her father's ranch in Crawford, TX. What do you think? more»
Optimism Can't Beat Cancer

issue 4420 | 05.12.08 | American Voices

A recent medical study suggests that your chances of surviving head and neck cancer are the same if you have a positive outlook or a negative... more»
Newly Disabled Paraplegic Wants To Know If He'll Be Able To...You Know

issue 4420 | 05.19.08 | Radio
Homeless Man Bestows God's Blessing To All Within Earshot

issue 4420 | 05.18.08 | Radio
Study: Most Self-Abuse Goes Unreported

issue 4420 | 05.17.08 | Radio
Plate Of Cookies Never Stood A Chance

issue 4420 | 05.16.08 | Radio
Biologists Apologize For Release Of Giant Winged Serpents

issue 4420 | 05.15.08 | Radio
Obama Voicemail Message Not That Inspiring

issue 4420 | 05.14.08 | Radio
Bear Searches For Food Inside Backpacker

issue 4420 | 05.13.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - May 12, 2008

issue 4420 | 05.12.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Well Known Gresham, OR Musicians Form Gresham, OR Supergroup

issue 4420 | 05.13.08 | News In Photos
I Would Say 'To Kill A Mockingbird' Captured The Most Interesting Part Of Our Lives

issue 4420 | 05.14.08 | Commentary

As I get older and reflect on my life, my mind always drifts back to the time I defended handyman Tom Robinson against those trumped-up,... more»
I Can't Believe I'm Being Forced To Sit On This Couch While Jay Leno Interviews Josh Hartnett

issue 4420 | 05.14.08 | Commentary

Don't get me wrong: It's great being on the show. Love Jay, love the audience, really. And this Josh…Hartnett, is it? He seems like a... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4420 | 05.13.08 | Horoscopes
Food Shortage Nearing Crisis

issue 4420 | 05.14.08 | Infographic

As certain dietary staples are becoming more scarce, food riots are becoming increasingly common around the world. What are the factors... more»
What Are We Getting Too Old For?

issue 4420 | 05.14.08 | Statshot
In The Know: Are Politicians Failing Our Lobbyists?

issue 4420 | 05.14.08 | Video

Panelists discuss the alarming trend of politicians who break their promises to the lobbyists who helped elect them. more»
Historic ‘Blockbuster’ Store Offers Glimpse Of How Movies Were Rented In The Past

issue 4420 | 05.12.08 | Video

The Blockbuster Video Living Museum offers tourists a glimpse of how Americans rented movies in the days before Netflix and iTunes. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4420 | 05.22.08 | Slideshow
Living With Others

issue 4420 | 05.13.08 | Slideshow
Was Heath Ledger Financing A Street War In The Philippines?

issue 4420 | 05.16.08 | Sunday Magazine
Racehorse Shows Up For Season 450 Pounds Overweight

issue 4420 | 05.15.08 | Photo Finish
Beyoncé To Add Three More Accent Marks To Name

issue 4420 | 05.14.08 | Newswire
Suburban Legend Tells Cautionary Organic-Peanut-Butter Tale

issue 4420 | 05.14.08 | Newswire
Independent Bookstore Acquires Cat

issue 4420 | 05.13.08 | Newswire