Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 24, 2008 - May 30, 2008 | Issue 44•21

New Hefty Ad Campaign Targets Body-Disposing Demographic

LAKE FOREST, IL—Hefty Consumer Products unveiled a new ad campaign this week touting its line of trash bags as the only ones capable of handling tough and messy corpse-removal jobs. Representatives said...

Area Man Has Great Idea For Slam Dunk

issue 4421 | 05.24.08 | News

TORRINGTON, WY—"I'm sitting on a gold mine here," said the revolutionary slam dunk’s creator Andy Rosenwald, noting that he himself is unable... more»
Nation's Poorest 1% Now Controls Two-Thirds Of U.S. Soda Can Wealth

issue 4421 | 05.23.08 | News

WASHINGTON—The can monopoly enjoyed by the nation's poorest one percent highlights the growing and possibly unbridgeable gap between the rich... more»
Obama, Clinton, McCain Join Forces To Form Nightmare Ticket

issue 4421 | 05.21.08 | News

WASHINGTON—"The coming together of these all-star nominees is a clear lose-lose-lose situation for everyone involved," said an NBC political... more»
Bush Announces 8-Month Plan To Steal Favorite Desk Lamp

issue 4421 | 05.23.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—With his term in office coming to an end in less than a year, President Bush announced Monday that he will spend the remainder of... more»
'Wheel Of Fortune' Contestants Hit Hard As Vowel Prices Skyrocket

issue 4421 | 05.22.08 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Contestants on the television game show Wheel Of Fortune have been hit especially hard at the podiums in recent months due... more»
Nation Suspects Leads In Local High School Play May Be Dating

issue 4421 | 05.21.08 | News In Brief

SOUTH BEND, IN—Citing their intensity during rehearsals as well as their offstage closeness, thousands of citizens across the country are... more»
New Madonna Album Hailed As Available For Purchase

issue 4421 | 05.20.08 | News In Brief

LONDON—Pop superstar Madonna has once again wowed music critics and consumers alike with her latest offering, Hard Candy, an album... more»
Desperate Hillary To Obama: 'Next Vote Wins'

issue 4421 | 05.19.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Significantly trailing Sen. Barack Obama in delegates, Sen. Hillary Clinton made a last-ditch effort to settle the hotly contested... more»
Nike Signs Big Brown To $90 Million Horseshoe Contract

issue 4421 | 05.22.08 | Sports News

PORTLAND, OR—In a move that added the world's pre-eminent equine athlete to its stable of endorsers Tuesday, Nike signed Kentucky Derby and... more»
Americans May Send Cell Phones To Cuba

issue 4421 | 05.23.08 | American Voices

President Bush announced that people living in the United States will soon be allowed to send cell phones to Cuba. What do you think? more»
Kennedy Has Brain Cancer

issue 4421 | 05.22.08 | American Voices

While hospitalized for a mysterious seizure, Sen. Ted Kennedy learned he has a malignant brain tumor. What do you think? more»
Senator Byrd Endorses Obama

issue 4421 | 05.21.08 | American Voices

Ninety-year-old Senate president pro tempore and former Klansman Robert Byrd endorsed Barack Obama for Democratic nominee for president. What do... more»
'Indy' Not So Hot

issue 4421 | 05.20.08 | American Voices

Following a screening of the long-awaited Indiana Jones movie at the Cannes Film Festival, reviews have been lukewarm at best. What do you... more»
Edwards Endorses Obama

issue 4421 | 05.19.08 | American Voices

After months of speculation, former presidential candidate John Edwards has endorsed Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination for President. What... more»
Couple Devastated To Learn They Can't Have Cats

issue 4421 | 05.26.08 | Radio
LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet

issue 4421 | 05.25.08 | Radio
Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted By Budget Cuts

issue 4421 | 05.24.08 | Radio
Porn Star Breaks Into Mainstream Movie Career As 'Stripper Number Four'

issue 4421 | 05.23.08 | Radio
Teenager's Entire Life Ruined By Frizzy Hair

issue 4421 | 05.22.08 | Radio
NORAD Headquarters Crawling With Missile Weevils

issue 4421 | 05.21.08 | Radio
Terrifying Phantom Train Late

issue 4421 | 05.20.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - May 19, 2008

issue 4421 | 05.19.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Restaurant Fires Pizza-Delivery Dog

issue 4421 | 05.21.08 | News In Photos
Grieving Couple Finds Different Ways To Use Stroller

issue 4421 | 05.20.08 | News In Photos
Must…Stay…Awake…

issue 4421 | 05.21.08 | Commentary

It's no secret our economy has reached the point that my eyelids…are drooping. Face…falling toward keyboard. Energy... more»
If You're Like Me, Then You Love '80s Music And Haven't Spoken To Your Brother In 10 Years

issue 4421 | 05.21.08 | Commentary

I don't know about you, but I'll never forget the music of my youth. Ah, yes, the 1980s: those good times you never wanted to end—and... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4421 | 05.20.08 | Horoscopes
Celebrity Congressional Testimony

issue 4421 | 05.21.08 | Infographic

Last week, actor Dennis Quaid addressed Congress on the subject of medical errors following the near death of his twin infants. What... more»
What Are We Twittering?

issue 4421 | 05.21.08 | Statshot
Horrific 120-Car Pileup A Sad Reminder Of Princess Diana’s Death

issue 4421 | 05.21.08 | Video

As the wreckage from today's tragic crash continues to smolder, one can't help but think of the accident that took the life of the People's Princess. more»
Diet Book Author Advocates New 'No Food Diet'

issue 4421 | 05.19.08 | Video

Today Now! talks with a diet book author who reveals that many things are surprisingly edible when you are driven mad by hunger. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4421 | 05.24.08 | Slideshow
Our Glossiest Issue Yet

issue 4421 | 05.23.08 | Sunday Magazine
Paul Pierce Accused Of Using Spitball

issue 4421 | 05.22.08 | Photo Finish
Area Man Okay With Beck Being A Scientologist

issue 4421 | 05.21.08 | Newswire
Father Points Out Rhode Island License Plate

issue 4421 | 05.21.08 | Newswire
Play Within A Play Also Boring

issue 4421 | 05.21.08 | Newswire