Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 31, 2008 - June 6, 2008 | Issue 44•22

Report: Women Increasingly Choosing Dead-End Careers Over Dead-End Relationships

COLLEGE PARK, MD—According to a report published Monday in The Journal Of Gender Studies, many American women are bucking centuries of traditional gender...

Restaurant Patrons Entranced By Sizzling Order Of Fajitas

issue 4422 | 05.31.08 | News

FORT WAYNE, IN—"Usually sizzling is reserved for the kitchen, so it was intoxicating to witness something sizzle out in the open like that,"... more»
Closing Of Homeless Shelter Leaves College-Application-Padding Students With Nowhere To Turn

issue 4422 | 05.30.08 | News

NEW YORK—The shelter provided a safe place to improve students' transcripts, allowing them to escape from the dangers of cleaning up inner-city... more»
Obama Practices Looking-Off-Into-Future Pose

issue 4422 | 05.28.08 | News

CHICAGO—A team of advisers who regularly analyze video of the pose with Obama say the senator spends six hours a day gazing resolutely off... more»
Poke With Stick Confirms Raccoon's Death

issue 4422 | 05.30.08 | News In Brief

HINSDALE, IL—Upon arriving on the scene of a possible raccoon fatality, brothers Jason Everson, 11, and Tyler Everson, 9, were able to... more»
Midwestern Tornado Destroys 4 World's Largest Objects

issue 4422 | 05.29.08 | News In Brief

SAC CITY, IA—A category F4 tornado ravaged large sections of Iowa, Illinois, Minnesota and Wisconsin Sunday, killing 15 people and... more»
Desperate Chives Marketing Board Launches 'Big Bowl O' Chives In The Mornin'' Campaign

issue 4422 | 05.28.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—In response to flagging sales and plummeting prices, the American Chives Council launched a last-ditch advertising campaign... more»
Stolen Tour Bus Leads Police On Chase Of Historic Downtown Philadelphia

issue 4422 | 05.27.08 | News In Brief

PHILADELPHIA—Police were led on a reckless, high-speed pursuit past more than a dozen of downtown Philadelphia's most historically... more»
That Guy From That One Show Attempting Comeback

issue 4422 | 05.26.08 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—According to sources who caught the tail end of one of those Entertainment Tonight–type shows, that guy who used to... more»
Bulls Blow NBA Draft Lottery Win On More NBA Draft Lottery Tickets

issue 4422 | 05.29.08 | Sports News

CHICAGO—Just days after beating long odds in the NBA Draft Lottery by winning the 2008 draft's first pick, the Chicago Bulls shocked fans... more»
Barr May Take Republican Votes

issue 4422 | 05.30.08 | American Voices

Former Republican congressman Bob Barr of Georgia was nominated as the Libertarian Party's presidential candidate and may take votes away from John... more»
Germans Making 'Green' Bombs

issue 4422 | 05.29.08 | American Voices

Scientists in Germany are experimenting with new environmentally friendly explosives to use in combat. What do you think? more»
Anti-Smoking Drug Linked To Accidents

issue 4422 | 05.28.08 | American Voices

The Federal Drug Administration has banned the use of the anti-smoking drug Chantix by pilots or air traffic controllers, citing side effects that... more»
Playboy's Soft Quarter

issue 4422 | 05.27.08 | American Voices

Playboy Enterprises announced that they lost $3.1 million for the first quarter of 2008. What do you think? more»
Court Upbraids Texas Over Polygamists

issue 4422 | 05.26.08 | American Voices

A Texas appeals court ruled that the state had no business taking more than 400 children from a polygamist compound outside of San Angelo. What do... more»
Choir Deployed To Local Senior Center

issue 4422 | 06.02.08 | Radio
Area Father Fails To Forcibly Refold Map

issue 4422 | 06.01.08 | Radio
Man Born To Party Dies Partying

issue 4422 | 05.31.08 | Radio
Giraffe Wants To Be Appreciated For More Than Just Her Humongous Neck

issue 4422 | 05.30.08 | Radio
Muse Commands Area Man To Draw Naked Barbarian Girls

issue 4422 | 05.29.08 | Radio
President Bush Converts West Wing Into Injured Animal Shelter

issue 4422 | 05.28.08 | Radio
Area Man Forced Into Jehovah's Witness Protection Program

issue 4422 | 05.27.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - May 26, 2008

issue 4422 | 05.26.08 | Editorial Cartoon
New Stamp Honors 41-Cent Stamp

issue 4422 | 05.28.08 | News In Photos
Daring Bush Returns From Egypt With Crystal Skull

issue 4422 | 05.27.08 | News In Photos
We've Been Planning This Sepia Wild West Family Portrait Too Long For You To Mess It Up

issue 4422 | 05.28.08 | Commentary

I like fun. This family is all about fun. It's the linchpin of our togetherness. In a few weeks, the carnival is coming to town, and you know... more»
Poconos? I Hardly Know Her!

issue 4422 | 05.28.08 | Columnists

Here's one: What's green and pink and red all over? Give up? Why it's ol' Roger "Bermuda Shorts" Dudek back from a sunny weekend in... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4422 | 05.27.08 | Horoscopes
American To Charge For First Checked Bag

issue 4422 | 05.28.08 | Infographic

American Airlines announced that they would be charging $15 for a customer's first checked bag. What new revenue streams are the other... more»
What Are We Living For?

issue 4422 | 05.28.08 | Statshot
Reporter In Helicopter Pretty Sure Landslide Down There Somewhere

issue 4422 | 05.28.08 | Video

Intrepid reporter Don Abrams surveys what might be damage from a massive landslide in the Philippines, although it's hard to tell from his altitude. more»
2-Year-Old Donkey Called Up To Pro Donkey Basketball League

issue 4422 | 05.27.08 | Video

Scouts say Scraps is the best donkey basketball player they have seen in years, but some are concerned he’s not mature enough for the big time. more»
Outdoor Lifestyle

issue 4422 | 06.03.08 | Slideshow
The Week In Review

issue 4422 | 05.31.08 | Slideshow
Things Amy Winehouse Mumbled Before She Stole Our Coffee Maker

issue 4422 | 05.30.08 | Sunday Magazine
Giant Squid Thrown On Ice To Celebrate Red Wings Hat Trick

issue 4422 | 05.29.08 | Photo Finish
Man's Mouth All Dry From Complaining

issue 4422 | 05.27.08 | Newswire
Fourth Slice Of Pizza Consumed Without Facial Expression

issue 4422 | 05.27.08 | Newswire
Rest Of Waiting Room Getting Blurrier, Harder To Make Out

issue 4422 | 05.27.08 | Newswire