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In Brief
- Poke With Stick Confirms Raccoon's Death
- Midwestern Tornado Destroys 4 World's Largest Objects
- Desperate Chives Marketing Board Launches 'Big Bowl O' Chives In The Mornin'' Campaign
- Stolen Tour Bus Leads Police On Chase Of Historic Downtown Philadelphia
- That Guy From That One Show Attempting Comeback
- Pedophile Nervous For First Day Of School
- Video: Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans
- McCain Chooses Palin As VP
- Amish Population Boom
- Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts
- Video: Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain
- Clinton Supporters Contributing To McCain
- McCain Speechwriter Trying To Write Lines That Don't Lead To Creepy Smile
- Top Story On John McCain Run Out Of Obligation
- Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain
- Video: Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain
- Video: Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans
- Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain
- Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts
- Pedophile Nervous For First Day Of School
- Video: Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency
- Brett Favre Getting That Retirement Itch Again
- McCain Speechwriter Trying To Write Lines That Don't Lead To Creepy Smile
- New Little Caesars Marketing Strategy Has Employees Throw Themselves On Hoods Of Passing Cars
- Opinion: Inconveniencing Others Makes Me Feel Alive
- Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain
- Pedophile Nervous For First Day Of School
- Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory
- Cheney Offspring Bursts From Bush's Chest
- Kansas Outlaws Practice Of Evolution
- Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts
- Smiling Now Primarily Used To Communicate Anger
- Video: Genetic Scientists Develop Sheep With Brain Of A Goat
- Maxim Reader Eager To Put Newly Acquired Knowledge Of Women To Use
- Top Story On John McCain Run Out Of Obligation
- Bill Clinton To Become Spokesman For Manwich
- Kenneth Starr Orders LBJ Exhumed For Investigation Of Possible Sexual Impropriety
- ESPN Interrupts Drew Bledsoe's Retirement Speech To Air Commercials
- Ron Paul Dropping Out
- Small-Town Residents Come Together For Arby's Raising
- Spaniards Vow To Once Again Decimate Population Of New World
- General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags
- Ore Approval Ratings Plunge Following Mining Disasters
- Former Presidents Convene For Liver-Spot Summit
- Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8
Features
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Sunday Magazine
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Stockwatch
Share in this shoe manufacturer fell sharply after the company introduced a collection of brightly colored stiletto pumps.
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National News Highlights
Roll over locations for news
- SEBASTIAN, FL—Four-year-old Lexie May yelled at a passing cumulus cloud for not being shaped like anything.
- WEST BEND, WI—Bar manager Jennifer Wilson added another band to the Saturday night lineup to increase the likelihood that one of them would not suck.
- MESA, AZ—After trying and failing at all conventional dating options, Pat Tysdal decided to give random cold calls a try.
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Thousands Lose Jobs As Michigan Unemployment Offices Close
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Soccer Mom To Suck Off World's Greatest Dad
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That Teen-Abstinence Rally Totally Rocked!
IN FOCUS: Economy
IN FOCUS: Local
IN FOCUS: Education
Issue Highlights
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Man's Mouth All Dry From Complaining
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Fourth Slice Of Pizza Consumed Without Facial Expression
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Rest Of Waiting Room Getting Blurrier, Harder To Make Out
From our News Partners
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CNN
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Slate
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AV Club
