Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 7, 2008 - June 13, 2008 | Issue 44•23

Escaped Caterpillar On Rampage Through City

COLUMBUS, OH—A ravenous caterpillar escaped from captivity today, wreaking havoc as it devoured everything in its sight and carved a half-centimeter path of destruction across...

Once-Great Competitive Eater Reduced To Hustling At 10-Cent Wing Nights

issue 4423 | 06.07.08 | News

BUFFALO, NY—With one bad decision, gone was the $85,000 home outside of Akron, the mini-golf weekends, the mid-range American cars, and the... more»
Report: Love Letters From U.S. Troops Increasingly Gruesome

issue 4423 | 06.06.08 | News

WASHINGTON—"The stress of war explains passages like 'Honey, how I dream of your soft, supple arms—still attached to the rest of your... more»
Liberty City Police Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality

issue 4423 | 06.04.08 | News

LIBERTY CITY—"I was shot 14 times on my way to work today, including twice by police," said one Algonquin-area resident. "That is unacceptable." more»
Terrible Idea Committed To Paper

issue 4423 | 06.06.08 | News In Brief

SECAUCUS, NJ—Sales supervisor Justin Henry stopped in the middle of a busy sidewalk Monday, obstructing the paths of 15 pedestrians as he... more»
Museum Of Television And Radio Acquires Rare 'Caroline In The City' Episode

issue 4423 | 06.05.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK— The Museum of Television and Radio added a significant piece to its Precious Gems collection Tuesday upon acquiring a prized... more»
Way Too Much Raised For Bronchitis Research

issue 4423 | 06.04.08 | News In Brief

[media:60159]MINNEAPOLIS—The nonprofit organization Clean Airways announced Tuesday that it had raised the completely unnecessary sum... more»
Bin Laden Sends Belated Threat To Israel For 60th Birthday

issue 4423 | 06.03.08 | News In Brief

[media:76782,41019,61008]JERUSALEM—In an unexpected act that Israeli president Shimon Peres called "thoughtful," al-Qaeda leader Osama... more»
MTV Movie Awards Snubs Director Jonas Mekas Yet Again

issue 4423 | 06.02.08 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Eighty-five-year-old Lithuanian avant-garde filmmaker Jonas Mekas, director of more than 50 movies including Zefiro Torna... more»
Pau Gasol Googles 'Lakers + Celtics + Rivalry'

issue 4423 | 06.05.08 | Sports News

LOS ANGELES—Claiming he was unaware of the existence of a Los Angeles Lakers-Boston Celtics rivalry until numerous media outlets suggested... more»
Clinton Suspends Campaign

issue 4423 | 06.09.08 | American Voices

While keeping her delegates, Hillary Clinton has suspended her campaign to be the Democratic nominee, leaving Barack Obama the party's presumptive... more»
Ed McMahon May Lose House

issue 4423 | 06.06.08 | American Voices

After falling behind in payments, former Tonight Show sidekick Ed McMahon is in danger of losing his $6.25 million home. What do you think? more»
World Cluster Bomb Ban Excludes U.S.

issue 4423 | 06.05.08 | American Voices

The United States has opted out of a worldwide treaty that would ban cluster bombs. What do you think? more»
Spam Sales On The Rise

issue 4423 | 06.04.08 | American Voices

Sales of Spam, the Hormel canned-ham product, have increased 11 percent in the first quarter of this year. What do you think? more»
Michigan, Florida Get Half Representation

issue 4423 | 06.03.08 | American Voices

The Democratic National Committee ruled that delegates from Michigan and Florida will get only half votes at the party’s convention in August.... more»
Barbie Suing Bratz

issue 4423 | 06.02.08 | American Voices

Barbie producer Mattel, Inc. is suing MGA Entertainment, saying that the company's Bratz doll was designed by a Mattel employee while under... more»
West Virginia Holds Its First Pronunciation Bee

issue 4423 | 06.09.08 | Radio
Small Town Honors Once-Ostracized Artist

issue 4423 | 06.08.08 | Radio
New Prescription-Only Sandwich Extra-Delicious

issue 4423 | 06.07.08 | Radio
Puppet Show Suddenly Turns To Subject Of Divorce

issue 4423 | 06.06.08 | Radio
Defective Ouija Board Reviews Local Thai Restaurants

issue 4423 | 06.05.08 | Radio
Elderly Woman Destroys Internet

issue 4423 | 06.04.08 | Radio
SWAT Team Leader Uses Wrong Hand Signal Again

issue 4423 | 06.03.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - June 2, 2008

issue 4423 | 06.02.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Aftershock A Real 'Fuck You' To Earthquake Victims

issue 4423 | 06.04.08 | News In Photos
Now That I've Learned About Foreshadowing, I'm Going To Use It In All Of My Stories

issue 4423 | 06.04.08 | Commentary

Guess what? There is this really neat literary device I just learned about, and it's called "foreshadowing." It's this thing where, in the... more»
Who Says You Can't Buy Fun Underwear For Your Buddies?

issue 4423 | 06.04.08 | Commentary

We've all been in this situation: You're at a store looking for some new clothes. When you get to the underwear section, you spy a mannequin... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4423 | 06.03.08 | Horoscopes
White House Unhappy With Former Press Secretary's Book

issue 4423 | 06.04.08 | Infographic

Members of the Bush staff and cabinet are displeased with the contents of former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan's new... more»
What Caused Our Burnout?

issue 4423 | 06.04.08 | Statshot
Genetic Scientists Develop Sheep With Brain Of A Goat

issue 4423 | 06.04.08 | Video

After years of experiments and tens of millions of dollars, scientists have finally created a sheep that thinks and acts like a goat. more»
New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

issue 4423 | 06.03.08 | Video

Fast food giant Yum! Brands believes its new feedbags will make it even easier for Americans to constantly be eating. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4423 | 06.10.08 | Slideshow
This Is The Guy We Were Telling You About

issue 4423 | 06.06.08 | Sunday Magazine
Evil Red Wings Owner Wario Lemieux Steals Stanley Cup

issue 4423 | 06.05.08 | Photo Finish
Hillary Grabs 'Hillary '08' Sign From Aide, Snaps It Over Knee

issue 4423 | 06.03.08 | Photo Finish
Asshole Tells Other Asshole To Quit Being Dick

issue 4423 | 06.03.08 | Newswire
Proud Copy Editor Buys 20 Copies of 'Newsweek' Featuring His Semicolon

issue 4423 | 06.03.08 | Newswire
Mooning Goes Unnoticed

issue 4423 | 06.03.08 | Newswire