Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 14, 2008 - June 20, 2008 | Issue 44•24

Controversial Court Ruling Upholds Homosexual's Right To Prance Around Demanding Attention And Being A Drama Queen

HARTFORD, CT—The Connecticut Supreme Court on Monday upheld the right of individuals, regardless of sexual orientation, to engage in any number of "grandiose behaviors,"...

Area Grandmother Tries Indian Food

issue 4424 | 06.14.08 | News

BLOOMINGTON, MN—Witnesses report Eileen Rutherford, 78, was overwhelmed by the unusual aromas but appeared delighted when a recognizable pea... more»
Realtors Blame Housing Market For Slump In Creepy-Mansion Sales

issue 4424 | 06.13.08 | News

ENCANTO, CA—"Even if a family's willing to share a garage with the spectral figure hanging from its rafters, they still might not get a... more»
Latest Cheney Tape May Contain Evidence Of His Whereabouts

issue 4424 | 06.11.08 | News

WASHINGTON—U.S. vice president and known extremist Dick Cheney, widely regarded as the most feared man in America, is still alive, and he is... more»
Cricket Located

issue 4424 | 06.13.08 | News In Brief

IRWIN, PA—In a feat of extraordinary patience, auditory precision, and monklike concentration, 42-year-old Pat Baer interrupted his favorite... more»
National Essay Writing Contest Now Accepting Video Submissions

issue 4424 | 06.12.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Citing a stark decrease in written submissions since 1994, representatives of the Michel de Montaigne National Essay Writing Contest... more»
Man Fishes For Legendary, Elusive Compliment

issue 4424 | 06.11.08 | News In Brief

[media:61183]SYRACUSE, NY—Junior sales associate James Kilmartin, 32, announced Monday that he is prepared to angle for the... more»
TV Viewers Outraged At Timing Of Commercial Break

issue 4424 | 06.10.08 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—A coalition of more than 20 million television viewers issued a strongly worded statement Monday expressing outrage at the... more»
Researchers Discover Details Smaller Than Minutiae

issue 4424 | 06.09.08 | News In Brief

PASADENA, CA—A team of Caltech scientists announced Monday that they have discovered a type of conversational detail smaller than minutiae,... more»
Chris Osgood Gets To Third Base With Stanley Cup

issue 4424 | 06.12.08 | Sports News

LOS ANGELES—Sources within the Red Wings organization confirm that goalie Chris Osgood, who is currently engaged in accompanying the Stanley... more»
CD Sales Down, LP Sales Up

issue 4424 | 06.13.08 | American Voices

While sales of CDs fell 17 percent between 2006 and 2007, sales of LPs rose 36 percent in the same period. What do you think? more»
Former NASCAR Official Suing For Harassment

issue 4424 | 06.12.08 | American Voices

An ex-NASCAR inspector is suing the organization for wrongful termination and racial and sexual discrimination. What do you think? more»
Samsung To Offer iPhone Rival

issue 4424 | 06.11.08 | American Voices

The day Apple announced its new 3G iPhone, Samsung unveiled a Windows-based touchscreen phone. What do you think? more»
Texas Governor's Mansion Burned

issue 4424 | 06.10.08 | American Voices

A fire that severely damaged the Texas governor's mansion was intentionally set. What do you think? more»
New Beer Brand Claims To Be Colder Than Other Beer Brands

issue 4424 | 06.16.08 | Radio
Clerk Endures Fifth Humiliating Year

issue 4424 | 06.15.08 | Radio
U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter

issue 4424 | 06.14.08 | Radio
Local Thumb Wrestler Falls For Only Trick In The Book

issue 4424 | 06.13.08 | Radio
Paris Hilton Foundation Grants $2 Million Dollars To Under-Privileged Socialite

issue 4424 | 06.12.08 | Radio
Rising Gravy Breaks Through Potato Dam

issue 4424 | 06.11.08 | Radio
Man Raised By Wolves Loses Wife, Kids During Family Reunion

issue 4424 | 06.10.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - June 9, 2008

issue 4424 | 06.09.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Desperate 'Time' Magazine Announces 'Man Of June'

issue 4424 | 06.11.08 | News In Photos
Cheering Gets Slightly Less Loud After Obama’s Call For Community Service

issue 4424 | 06.10.08 | News In Photos
Which One Of You Shitheads Stopped Buying Our Margarine?

issue 4424 | 06.11.08 | Commentary

All right, fuckos. It's time to come clean. Don't even pretend like you don't know what this is about, because I deserve a little... more»
Ask A Girl Whose Boyfriend Went To Six Flags With Someone Else

issue 4424 | 06.11.08 | Advice

Dear Girl Whose Boyfriend Went To Six Flags With Someone Else, I have a problem with my landlord. Most renters can't get... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4424 | 06.10.08 | Horoscopes
California Facing Drought

issue 4424 | 06.11.08 | Infographic

With this spring being the driest on record for much of the state, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declared California to be in an... more»
What Are U.S. Children Reading?

issue 4424 | 06.11.08 | Statshot
U.S. Finally Gets Around To Closing Last WWII Internment Camp

issue 4424 | 06.12.08 | Video

White House Press Secretary Debra Browning reminds reporters that there were 26 other camps that the U.S. successfully closed on time. more»
'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

issue 4424 | 06.10.08 | Video

World Of World Of Warcraft's amazing level of detail makes players feel like they are actually in a cramped, dark apartment playing World Of Warcraft. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4424 | 06.14.08 | Slideshow
Hot Tubbin' With Professional Hot Tubber Rob Ryan

issue 4424 | 06.13.08 | Sunday Magazine
Twins Ask Fans To Be Quiet So They Can Focus On Game

issue 4424 | 06.12.08 | Photo Finish
Area Housewife's Moment of Personal Epiphany Cut Short By Opening Theme Of 'The View'

issue 4424 | 06.10.08 | Newswire
New Malcolm Gladwell Book To Painstakingly Explain Why We Have Hands

issue 4424 | 06.09.08 | Newswire
Nicest Iron Maiden Poster Saved For Dining Room

issue 4424 | 06.09.08 | Newswire
Hillary Stares Silently At Gun In Desk Drawer

issue 4424 | 06.09.08 | Newswire