Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 21, 2008 - June 27, 2008 | Issue 44•25

Dept. Of Sanitation Asks Public To Separate Perfectly Good Stuff From Garbage

WASHINGTON—Nearly 20 years after launching its first nationwide recycling program, the Department of Sanitation unveiled a new environmental initiative Monday that urges citizens to separate...

Ex-Girlfriend Don't Want To Speak To You No More, New European Boyfriend Reports

issue 4425 | 06.21.08 | News

LANCASTER, PA—The probable Mediterranean sex god who relayed the message rolled his R's in a manner that suggested he could outperform you... more»
Falling Down Laundry Chute And Breaking Neck Remains America's No. 548,221 Killer

issue 4425 | 06.20.08 | News

ATLANTA—The attitude of "falling down a laundry chute and breaking my neck will never happen to me or my family" is what puts people at risk,... more»
Bush Says He Still Believes Iraq War Was The Fun Thing To Do

issue 4425 | 06.18.08 | News

WASHINGTON—What naysayers don't understand, Bush said, is that "when it comes to fighting terrorism, there's no harm in letting loose and... more»
Giuliani Spotted Sleeping On New York City Subway

issue 4425 | 06.20.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Giuliani, once a beloved New York figure who earned the nickname "America's Mayor," was wearing a faded New York Yankees jacket and... more»
Area Man Puts On Some Nice Pants For Once In His Life

issue 4425 | 06.19.08 | News In Brief

OAKLAND, CA—Hallelujah, what do you know—reports have surfaced that Michael Bohlke put on a nice pair of pants for once in his 28 years... more»
New VH1 Show Canceled For Not Being Pathetic Enough

issue 4425 | 06.18.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—In a press release Tuesday, Viacom executives announced their newest hour-long VH1 Celebreality program, Knight Life, with... more»
Friends From Home Embarrassing

issue 4425 | 06.17.08 | News In Brief

BROOKLYN, NY—After taking a group of visiting hometown friends out with the circle of friends he has made since moving to New York from... more»
Grandmother Proud To Have Lived Long Enough To See First Viable Female Candidate Torn Apart

issue 4425 | 06.16.08 | News In Brief

PEORIA, IL—Seventy-six-year-old grandmother Anita Graney told reporters Monday that she was "overwhelmed with pride" for having lived to see... more»
Fantasy Baseball Owner Rips Team In Media

issue 4425 | 06.19.08 | Sports News

BROOKLYN, NY—Mark Mendicus, 26-year-old Staples employee and principal owner of the fantasy baseball team Beat With Uggla Stick, blasted his... more»
George Takei To Wed Partner

issue 4425 | 06.24.08 | American Voices

Following California's legalization of gay marriage, George Takei, best known as Sulu on Star Trek, has applied to marry his longtime... more»
Straight Men, Gay Women Have Similar Brains

issue 4425 | 06.22.08 | American Voices

Swedish researchers have found that the brains of straight men and lesbians display many of the same characteristics. What do you think? more»
Muslim Woman Demands Obama Apology

issue 4425 | 06.20.08 | American Voices

A Detroit Muslim said that she was refused a seat behind Barack Obama's podium at a campaign rally because she was wearing the traditional head... more»
Opposition To Anheuser-Busch Sale Grows

issue 4425 | 06.19.08 | American Voices

Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO) has vowed to stop the sale of Budweiser manufacturer Anheuser-Busch to Belgian-Brazilian company ImBev. What do... more»
Obscenity Trial Halted Over Judge's Website

issue 4425 | 06.18.08 | American Voices

A Los Angeles pornography trial was suspended when it came to light that the judge had bestiality-tinged photos on his personal website. What do... more»
Tim Russert Dead

issue 4425 | 06.17.08 | American Voices

NBC Meet The Press host Tim Russert died suddenly of a heart attack on Friday. What do you think? more»
Obama: Wife Never Said 'Whitey'

issue 4425 | 06.16.08 | American Voices

Barack Obama responded to rumors of a video that purportedly featured his wife, Michelle, going on a racist tirade, by claiming she's never used... more»
Ron Paul Dropping Out

issue 4425 | 06.14.08 | American Voices

Months after John McCain became the presumptive Republican nominee for president, Ron Paul is dropping out of the race. What do you think? more»
Catholic Church Condemns Metrosexuality

issue 4425 | 06.29.08 | Radio
Church Group Offers Homosexual New Life In Closet

issue 4425 | 06.27.08 | Radio
Area Lottery Winner Pulls Off 'Get Poor Quick' Scheme

issue 4425 | 06.23.08 | Radio
Area Man Experimenting With Homosexuality For Past Eight Years

issue 4425 | 06.23.08 | Radio
Girlfriend Dumped After Forwarding Stupid Link

issue 4425 | 06.22.08 | Radio
Flaming-Streets Plan Passes In Tennessee

issue 4425 | 06.21.08 | Radio
Non-Controversial Church Opens For Potential Presidential Candidates

issue 4425 | 06.20.08 | Radio
Drunk Physicists Write Equations All Over Passed-Out Colleague's Face

issue 4425 | 06.19.08 | Radio
Drowning Super Model Rescued To Death

issue 4425 | 06.18.08 | Radio
Borrowed Stapler Returned With Bite Marks On It

issue 4425 | 06.17.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - June 16, 2008

issue 4425 | 06.16.08 | Editorial Cartoon
50-Year-Old Prince Licks AARP Representative's Face

issue 4425 | 06.18.08 | News In Photos
Latest Austin Powers Movie Opens In Theaters

issue 4425 | 06.17.08 | News In Photos
I'm Training To Ruin A Marathon

issue 4425 | 06.18.08 | Commentary

When I set my mind to something, there's no turning back, no slowing down, and no excuses. So when I heard about the upcoming 17th Annual... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint:

issue 4425 | 06.18.08 | Point-Counterpoint

Ever had one of those days where nothing seems to go right? I sure have. When everything is falling apart and you just can't get ahead, it's... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4425 | 06.17.08 | Horoscopes
Soaring Oil Prices Alter Vacation Plans

issue 4425 | 06.18.08 | Infographic

With gas solidly over $4 a gallon for the first time and air travel becoming prohibitively expensive, many families are being forced to... more»
Whose Help Are We Refusing?

issue 4425 | 06.18.08 | Statshot
Study: Most Children Strongly Opposed To Children’s Healthcare

issue 4425 | 06.17.08 | Video

A recent survey of children found that they are not in favor of increased doctor visits and vaccinations. more»
High School Tony Awards Honor Nation's Biggest Drama Club Nerds

issue 4425 | 06.16.08 | Video

High school theater's brightest stars gathered last night to see who would take home the coveted award for Most Awkward Kiss. more»
Gay Pride Week In Review

issue 4425 | 07.08.08 | Slideshow
The Week In Review

issue 4425 | 06.20.08 | Slideshow
Underdog Comes Out Of Nowhere To Lose To Tiger Woods

issue 4425 | 06.19.08 | Photo Finish
Climbing Inside Of Air Conditioner Briefly Contemplated

issue 4425 | 06.17.08 | Newswire
Study: Firing Gun, Yelling 'Everybody Shut Up' Best Way To Get Attention

issue 4425 | 06.17.08 | Newswire
Herstory Not Going To Repeat Itself Again

issue 4425 | 06.17.08 | Newswire
KFC Manager Wants Bucket On His Desk By End Of Day

issue 4425 | 06.17.08 | Newswire