Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 12, 2008 - July 18, 2008 | Issue 44•28

Steven Tyler Laid Off From Aerosmith As Band's Jobless Rate Hits 20%

BOSTON—After years of relative stability, the Aerosmith unemployment rate soared to an all-time high of 20 percent Monday following the downsizing of the band's vocal sector, Steven Tyler. ...

Friend Somehow Bad At Hanging Out

issue 4428 | 07.12.08 | News

HOLDREGE, NE—"How can someone not be good at sitting on a couch and watching television with someone else?" longtime friend Jay Reagor... more»
5-Year-Old Wants To Be A Tractor When She Grows Up

issue 4428 | 07.11.08 | News

AKRON, OH—Before settling on tractor, Kendall Garretson contemplated a variety of possible career paths including professional shark and... more»
Bill Clinton Sadly Folds First Lady Dress Back Into Box

issue 4428 | 07.09.08 | News

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Clinton quietly placed the modest Dior frock inside his "first lady hope chest" along with two pearl earrings and wallpaper... more»
Singing, Dancing Man Just Getting Started

issue 4428 | 07.11.08 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Despite having just completed a brief, wholly satisfactory down-tempo song-and-dance number followed by a brief pause that led many... more»
U.S. Intelligence: Burundi May Be Developing Telephone

issue 4428 | 07.10.08 | News In Brief

[media:74358]WASHINGTON—According to a report released by the Pentagon, evidence suggests that the small Central African nation of... more»
T.G.I. Friday's Executive Chef Recommends Booze-On-Meat-With-Cheese Thing

issue 4428 | 07.09.08 | News In Brief

[media:80614]SCHAUMBURG, IL—The executive chef of the Tremont Road T.G.I. Friday's strongly recommended that a table of VIP guests try... more»
Class Of '88 Reunion Attendees Once Again Trick Sue Thorpe Into Thinking Jeff Urban Likes Her

issue 4428 | 07.08.08 | News In Brief

ABERDEEN, ID—While attending her 20-year high school reunion Monday, 38-year-old claims adjuster Sue Thorpe was once again tricked into... more»
Special Ops Veteran Slips Back Into Family Undetected

issue 4428 | 07.07.08 | News In Brief

ORLANDO, FL—After spending six years overseas as a covert operations specialist, Joe Jacobs slipped silently back into his family unit... more»
Mark Cuban Buys Sports

issue 4428 | 07.10.08 | Sports News

DALLAS—Billionaire Mark Cuban, tired of the opposition he has encountered from NBA management in his role as owner of the Dallas Mavericks... more»
Life Expectancy Falls

issue 4428 | 07.11.08 | American Voices

A study at the Harvard Global Health Initiative shows that, for a segment of the population, life expectancy is lower now that in was in the early... more»
Economy Down, Crimestoppers Tips Up

issue 4428 | 07.10.08 | American Voices

As food and gas increase in price, so, too, do calls to Crimestoppers looking to trade tips for reward money. What do you think? more»
Stress In Pregnancy Influences Asthma

issue 4428 | 07.09.08 | American Voices

A recent study shows that if a pregnant woman is exposed to high levels of stress, her child is more likely to develop asthma or allergies later in... more»
Talking Through Tragedy Not Necessarily Beneficial

issue 4428 | 07.08.08 | American Voices

A study conducted by the University of Buffalo found that people who discuss their feelings following a tragedy are no more likely to feel better... more»
Teens Ignore Mobile-Phone Laws

issue 4428 | 07.07.08 | American Voices

A new study from the insurance industry indicates that teens do not follow cell-phone laws while driving. What do you think? more»
Entire City Council Meeting Devoted To Tree Stump

issue 4428 | 07.14.08 | Radio
Giant Undersea Cephalopods Targeted By Pepsi

issue 4428 | 07.13.08 | Radio
New Boeing Jetliner Holds All But 300 People

issue 4428 | 07.12.08 | Radio
Congress Raises 'Licking Syrup Off Your Plate' Age Limit To 13

issue 4428 | 07.11.08 | Radio
Stripper From Future Jumps Out Of Birthday Cake To Warn Humanity

issue 4428 | 07.10.08 | Radio
Supreme Court Holds Judicial Luau

issue 4428 | 07.09.08 | Radio
Area Sauce Perfect

issue 4428 | 07.08.08 | Radio
Fancy Home Defibrillator Used Only Once

issue 4428 | 07.07.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - July 7, 2008

issue 4428 | 07.07.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Dollar Store Has Great Deal On Fig Nortons

issue 4428 | 07.08.08 | News In Photos
We're Investing So Much In Alternative Fuels, Sometimes We Almost Forget To Pump Oil!

issue 4428 | 07.09.08 | Commentary

Ever since we changed our name from British Petroleum to BP (Beyond Petroleum) in 2000, we've led the way in developing progressive,... more»
Hey Everybody, Let's All Go To The Beach And Complain

issue 4428 | 07.09.08 | Commentary

The warm weather's upon us, and you know what that means: It's fun and sun and whining time! Just doesn't feel like summer until we hit the... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4428 | 07.08.08 | Horoscopes
Fox News Racism: Intentional?

issue 4428 | 07.09.08 | Infographic

Over the past few weeks, Fox News has made racially insensitive insinuations about the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee,... more»
Who Will Be Obama's Running Mate?

issue 4428 | 07.08.08 | Infographic

Speculation is rampant about who Sen. Barack Obama will choose as his vice-presidential candidate. Here are the top contenders: more»
Why Aren't We Going To The Gym?

issue 4428 | 07.09.08 | Statshot
Congress Struggles To Come Up With Cool Name For Anti-Drug Initiative

issue 4428 | 07.09.08 | Video

Before a new program to combat crystal meth can be put into place, Congress has to make sure it has a really awesome name more»
Volatile India-Pakistan Standoff Enters 11,680th Day

issue 4428 | 07.07.08 | Video

The threat of nuclear war hangs over the region with no end in sight, just as it has for the past three decades. more»
Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

issue 4428 | 07.02.08 | Video

President Bush will seek to comfort victims of his presidency as they try to make sense of the destruction he has caused. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4428 | 07.12.08 | Slideshow
Debt: Should The World Forgive Ours So We Can Be Rich Again?

issue 4428 | 07.11.08 | Sunday Magazine
Mike Golic Finally Marries, Eats Mike Greenberg

issue 4428 | 07.10.08 | Photo Finish
Teenager Ridiculed For Using Sunscreen

issue 4428 | 07.01.08 | Newswire
Man Attempts To Stand In Attractive Woman's Line Of Vision

issue 4428 | 07.01.08 | Newswire
Loud Friend Makes Loud Point

issue 4428 | 07.01.08 | Newswire
Report: 82% Of Wiseguys Think They're Real Funny

issue 4428 | 07.01.08 | Newswire