Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 2, 2008 - August 8, 2008 | Issue 44•31

New Linens-N-Shit Opens

MACON, GA—Linens-N-Shit, the nation's largest retailer of bedsheets, tablecloths, and a wide assortment of other shit, will open its new location Tuesday morning at the Macon...

Upcoming Date Only Thing Between Area Man, Utter Self-Neglect

issue 4431 | 08.02.08 | News

MORGANTON, NC—"This girl better be hot," said Glick, who otherwise would be stubbing out his cigarette on his bedpost instead of walking... more»
Phantom Diner Appears Only To Those In Their Drunkest Hour

issue 4431 | 08.01.08 | News

ROCHESTER, NY—Those who have visited the diner agree that it uncannily appears after no fewer than nine incantations of "Dude, I am so fucking... more»
Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet

issue 4431 | 07.30.08 | News

EARTH—Gore's son Kal-Al is faster than a speeding Prius, stronger than the EPA's Superfund program, and able to leap mountains of red tape in a... more»
Price Of Gas Rises To Four Expletives Per Gallon

issue 4431 | 08.01.08 | News In Brief

HOUSTON—Gasoline prices rose to a record-high four expletives per gallon Monday, a rate of fuel-price-related cursing not seen since... more»
World's Worst Person Decides To Go Into Marketing

issue 4431 | 07.31.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Twenty-three-year-old Louis Deenan, undeniably the most detestable, loathsome individual ever to walk the earth, willfully... more»
Study: Not Being An Asshole Boss May Boost Employee Morale

issue 4431 | 07.30.08 | News In Brief

[media:83607]WAUKEGAN, IL—In what is being called a breakthrough discovery in worker-administrator relations, a study released Monday in... more»
Chinese TV Show Canceled After Drawing Only 180 Million Viewers

issue 4431 | 07.29.08 | News In Brief

[media:76325]BEIJING—Hijinx Of The Masses, a Chinese sitcom about 16 twentysomethings who live above a tea shop, was canceled... more»
Really-Loud-Whistle Guy Takes Every Opportunity To Whistle Loudly

issue 4431 | 07.28.08 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—Whether he's making his approval known during sporting events and rock concerts, or simply in a situation that requires him... more»
McSweeney's Rejects Mike Mussina's Seventh Consecutive Submission

issue 4431 | 07.31.08 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Following the Yankees' 13-4 loss Monday, starting pitcher Mike Mussina informed reporters that his latest submission to... more»
L.A. Bans Fast Food

issue 4431 | 08.01.08 | American Voices

The Los Angeles City Council passed a one-year moratorium on new fast-food establishments opening in South Los Angeles where 30 percent of the... more»
Corruption Indictment For Sen. Stevens

issue 4431 | 07.31.08 | American Voices

Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AL) has been charged with seven counts of corruption for failing to report more than $250,000 in gifts and services. What do... more»
Justice Dept.: Justice Dept. Broke Law

issue 4431 | 07.30.08 | American Voices

An internal review has concluded that aides to former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales used politics as a guiding factor in hiring, thus breaking... more»
Girls=Boys in Math

issue 4431 | 07.29.08 | American Voices

Researchers for the National Science Foundation have found that boys and girls now perform equally in standardized math tests. What do you... more»
Billionaires Donate To Anti-Smoking Drive

issue 4431 | 07.28.08 | American Voices

Former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates and New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg are pledging $500 million to a worldwide anti-smoking campaign. What do... more»
Editorial Cartoon - August 4, 2008

issue 4431 | 08.04.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Editorial Cartoon - July 28, 2008

issue 4431 | 07.28.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Troop Leader Awards Boy Scout With 'Tried To Save Best Friend' Badge

issue 4431 | 07.30.08 | News In Photos
McCain Courts Youth Vote With Lengthy Speech On Forbearance, Morality

issue 4431 | 07.29.08 | News In Photos
Why Am I The Only Homeless Man Still Wearing Pickle Barrels?

issue 4431 | 07.30.08 | Commentary

I picked up one of our fine city's newspapers from underneath the wheel of a fruit cart last week and saw a fascinating article about our... more»
My Morbidly Obese Wife Said The Most Interesting Thing The Other Day

issue 4431 | 07.30.08 | Commentary

After 23 years of marriage, you'd think there would be nothing in the world my morbidly obese wife could do to surprise me anymore. You'd... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4431 | 07.29.08 | Horoscopes
Google Launches Wikipedia Competitor

issue 4431 | 07.30.08 | Infographic

Last week, Google made public its beta encyclopedia site, Knol, which unlike Wikipedia features articles written by a named author and... more»
How Are We Pissing Away Our Summer?

issue 4431 | 07.30.08 | Statshot
The Beijing Olympics: Are They A Trap?

issue 4431 | 07.30.08 | Video

'In The Know' Panelists discuss whether our athletes will be able to escape from the bamboo cages the Chinese government will try to imprison them... more»
Study Finds Young People Remain Apathetic About Office Politics

issue 4431 | 07.28.08 | Video

Organizations hope to make youth see importance of getting prime parking spaces or a new desk lamp. more»
Dating

issue 4431 | 12.13.08 | Slideshow
Technology

issue 4431 | 08.05.08 | Slideshow
The Week In Review

issue 4431 | 08.03.08 | Slideshow
We Lose The Bidding War For Photos Of Brangelina's New Twins

issue 4431 | 08.01.08 | Sunday Magazine
Vikings Hire Coach

issue 4431 | 07.31.08 | Photo Finish
You Blocking Area Loading Dock

issue 4431 | 07.28.08 | Newswire
Report: 72% Of Michelles Rented Karaoke Rooms Last Weekend

issue 4431 | 07.28.08 | Newswire
Man Has Sex At Woman

issue 4431 | 07.28.08 | Newswire
Blood Of The Working Class Produces Satisfying Burrito

issue 4431 | 07.28.08 | Newswire