Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 9, 2008 - August 15, 2008 | Issue 44•32

Nation To Try Its Luck Out West

THE FRONTIER—After having bravely endured rising fuel costs, unemployment, and a massive drought in consumer confidence, all 300 million Americans announced Monday that they...

Man Realizes Fly Has Been Down For Entire Life

issue 4432 | 08.09.08 | News

CHICAGO—"You mean this entire time? On the bus? During my first communion?" Fred Havemeyer said. "Oh, Christ, the 60s! I just remembered the... more»
Soundgarden Inadvertently Reunites At Area Cinnabon

issue 4432 | 08.08.08 | News

SEATTLE—"At first it was pretty awkward," said one observer. "But then it was like, 'Yes, Soundgarden is back.' It was so intense." more»
Local Idiot To Post Comment On Internet

issue 4432 | 08.06.08 | News

HAZEL PARK, MI—Brandon Mylenek insisted his video comment would defy the laws of logic and grammar, and allege several elements of the clip as... more»
Report: 93% Of Drunk Drivers Get Home Just Fine

issue 4432 | 08.08.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the National Institutes of Health, 93 percent of those who get behind the wheel... more»
Dinner Theater Play Reworked To Push Chicken Special

issue 4432 | 08.07.08 | News In Brief

AKRON, OH—The Footlight Dinner Theater's weekend production of Death Of A Salesman featured partially rewritten dialogue apparently... more»
Bush To Olympians: 'Bring Back Lots Of Valuable Gold'

issue 4432 | 08.06.08 | News In Brief

[media:83729]WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush delivered an encouraging motivational message to Beijing-bound Olympians Monday,... more»
Bags Filled With Sand Still Most Advanced U.S. Anti-Flood Technology

issue 4432 | 08.05.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Filling a large number of bags with sand and then placing them side by side next to a body of water remains the nation's... more»
List Of Things Man Wants To Do Before He Dies Just List Of TV Shows

issue 4432 | 08.04.08 | News In Brief

SCHAUMBURG, IL—When Jack Mannahan's elderly father passed away this spring, the 53-year-old decided to draw up a list of things that he... more»
Citing Poor Conditions, China Refuses To Send Delegation To Olympics

issue 4432 | 08.07.08 | Sports News

BEIJING—In an 11th-hour move that shocked the international athletic and political communities alike, the Chinese Olympic Team announced... more»
Straight Talk Express Hits Van

issue 4432 | 08.08.08 | American Voices

John McCain's campaign bus collided with a van on Wednesday. What do you think? more»
Wal-Mart Wants Republican President

issue 4432 | 08.07.08 | American Voices

Wal-Mart managers have reportedly been told by higher-ups that a Democratic president would lead to unions, less jobs, and less profits for their... more»
Kathy Griffin Rejects 'Dancing'

issue 4432 | 08.06.08 | American Voices

Comedienne Kathy Griffin reportedly said she would not appear on Dancing With The Stars. What do you think? more»
Hilton's Mom Calls McCain Ad 'A Waste Of Money'

issue 4432 | 08.05.08 | American Voices

John McCain donor Kathy Hilton called the candidate's attack ad comparing Barack Obama to Hilton's daughter Paris "frivolous." What do you... more»
Giuliani's Son Suing Duke Over Golf

issue 4432 | 08.04.08 | American Voices

Andrew Giuliani is suing Duke University after being recruited for, then removed from, the Duke University golf team. What do you think? more»
Voice Actor Gets First Nude Scene

issue 4432 | 08.11.08 | Radio
FBI: Six Dead Not Really 'Mass' Murder

issue 4432 | 08.10.08 | Radio
Man Hoping To Accidentally See Roommate's Girlfriend Naked

issue 4432 | 08.09.08 | Radio
Burned Entree Passed Off As Cajun

issue 4432 | 08.08.08 | Radio
New Eco-Friendly Hummer Engineered To Kill Its Drivers

issue 4432 | 08.07.08 | Radio
Wind Reserves To Run Out By 2036

issue 4432 | 08.06.08 | Radio
Small Fluffy Dog To Head House Of Versace

issue 4432 | 08.05.08 | Radio
Area Russian To Hug You

issue 4432 | 08.05.08 | News In Photos
I'm Sure That Out-Of-Control Water-Skier Will Avoid Our Outdoor Wedding

issue 4432 | 08.06.08 | Commentary

What a glorious day for an outdoor wedding. The guests have arrived on time, and all are dressed in their summer finest. So many people... more»
Everybody On Television Needs To Stop Talking So Loud

issue 4432 | 08.06.08 | Commentary

I'm going to get right to the point, because hemming and hawing and being polite has gotten me nowhere. The people on television need to... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4432 | 08.05.08 | Horoscopes
Mortgage Relief Bill Provisions

issue 4432 | 08.06.08 | Infographic

President Bush signed a housing bill into law last week that is designed to assist borrowers facing foreclosure on their homes. What are... more»
Least Popular Widgets

issue 4432 | 08.06.08 | Statshot
'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man

issue 4432 | 08.06.08 | Video

Cosmo scientists have finally cataloged every single way to satisfy your man's carnal cravings by stimulating his secret sex zones. more»
Pentagon's Unmanned Spokesdrone Completes First Press Conference Mission

issue 4432 | 08.04.08 | Video

The spokesdrone will field questions deemed too dangerous for a human press secretary, whose career could be irreparably damaged by answering them. more»
Portrait Of A Man With His Fly Down

issue 4432 | 08.02.08 | Slideshow
Is John McCain Secretly Raising His Arms Above His Head When Nobody's Looking?

issue 4432 | 08.08.08 | Sunday Magazine
Togo's Lone Olympic Representative Under A Lot Of Pressure To Win Olympics

issue 4432 | 08.07.08 | Photo Finish
Russian Tourists Cheer Every Time War Comes On Bar Television

issue 4432 | 08.12.08 | Newswire
Barefoot Man Makes Positive Remark About Grass

issue 4432 | 08.04.08 | Newswire
Harried District Attorney Slams Door, Loosens Tie, Pours Self Scotch

issue 4432 | 08.04.08 | Newswire
Psychological Evaluation Eaten

issue 4432 | 08.04.08 | Newswire
Steer, Slaughterhouse Worker Make Awkward, Last-Second Eye Contact

issue 4432 | 08.04.08 | Newswire