Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 31, 2008 - September 6, 2008 | Issue 44•35

Hummingbird Back At Feeder Again, Grandmother Reports

DES MOINES, IA—Area grandmother Eileen Lankford, 82, announced Tuesday that a hummingbird, which she has reported seeing on multiple occasions in the past several weeks, was back at the...

Pedophile Nervous For First Day Of School

issue 4435 | 08.31.08 | News

SEATTLE—"I hope the kids at Hampstead Elementary like me," 37-year-old Howard Dengal said. "It'd be nice to have someone to play with during... more»
Juicer Infomercial Sweeps Early Morning Emmys

issue 4435 | 08.30.08 | News

LOS ANGELES—TriStar Products, makers of Jack LaLanne's Power Juicer released a statement saying it was an honor just to be nominated alongside... more»
Obama Modifies 'Yes We Can' Message To Exclude Area Loser

issue 4435 | 08.27.08 | News

COLUMBIA, SC—Nate Walsh, who has lived with his parents since 2001, no longer figures into the senator’s plan of rallying Americans around a... more»
Smiling Now Primarily Used To Communicate Anger

issue 4435 | 08.29.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—The smile, a facial expression traditionally used to convey joy, pleasure, or amusement, is now mainly used to suppress rage,... more»
Report: Turkey Sandwiches An Excellent Source Of Turkey Sandwiches

issue 4435 | 08.28.08 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Turkey sandwiches, long suspected of being a rich source of turkey sandwiches, were found to contain a substantial amount of... more»
Cheney To Speak At Republican Convention From Section 109, Row 56, Seat 3

issue 4435 | 08.27.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Vice President Dick Cheney's office announced today that he will speak at the upcoming Republican National Convention in... more»
FBI Launches Nationwide Manhunt For New Office Manager

issue 4435 | 08.27.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Monday that it will use all of its resources to sweep the nation in an... more»
Bush Lets War Widow Punch His Arm Once

issue 4435 | 08.26.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In an unprecedented gesture of apology, President Bush allowed widow Mary Holt, 32, to punch him once on the left arm Monday... more»
U.S. Advises Allies Not To Border Russia

issue 4435 | 08.25.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Following Russia's controversial military excursions into neighboring Georgia, the Bush administration made its most direct... more»
Hawaii Wins Little League World Series

issue 4435 | 08.28.08 | Sports News

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—The Hawaii team, known for its powerful lineup of short, fat Skill 5 hitters, defeated the Mexico team 12-3 in the... more»
Mugabe Heckled By Parliament

issue 4435 | 08.29.08 | American Voices

President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe was loudly derided as a murderer by the Movement for Democratic Change as he opened a meeting of parliament.... more»
Amish Population Boom

issue 4435 | 08.28.08 | American Voices

Over the past 16 years, the U.S. Amish population has nearly doubled. What do you think? more»
Moisturizers Cause Cancer In Mice

issue 4435 | 08.27.08 | American Voices

Four moisturizers have been found to cause skin cancer in mice. What do you think? more»
Seinfeld To Revive Microsoft

issue 4435 | 08.26.08 | American Voices

In order to revitalize its brand image, Microsoft has hired former sitcom actor Jerry Seinfeld as a spokesman. What do you think? more»
Obama Picks Biden As VP

issue 4435 | 08.25.08 | American Voices

Barack Obama announced via an early-morning text message that Senator Joe Biden will be his running mate. What do you think? more»
McDonald's To Post Warning Labels On Individual Fries

issue 4435 | 09.01.08 | Radio
Elderly Man Wages War On Area Pharmacy

issue 4435 | 08.31.08 | Radio
God's Gift To Women Returned

issue 4435 | 08.30.08 | Radio
Area Man Always Picked Last For Employment

issue 4435 | 08.29.08 | Radio
Challenging New Iraq War Video Game Will Take 14 Years To Play

issue 4435 | 08.28.08 | Radio
New Flavored Fork Adds Taste Of Ham To Every Meal

issue 4435 | 08.27.08 | Radio
Hundreds Of Musicians Removed From Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame For Drug Use

issue 4435 | 08.26.08 | Radio
McCain Unveils Plan For National Soup Pipeline

issue 4435 | 08.25.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - August 25, 2008

issue 4435 | 08.25.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Bob Dylan Digitally Remastered

issue 4435 | 08.26.08 | News In Photos
America Needs To Have A Superficial Conversation About Race

issue 4435 | 08.27.08 | Commentary

The people of America need to put aside their differences and come together on common ground. Especially at this crucial moment in our... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: Party! vs. Whoo! Party!

issue 4435 | 08.27.08 | Point-Counterpoint

Party! Yeah, man! All right! Can you believe this?! Damn! Dude! Party! What's that? Huh? I can't understand you over the... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4435 | 08.26.08 | Horoscopes
Restaurants Struggle To Keep Customers

issue 4435 | 08.27.08 | Infographic

The recent bankruptcy of the Bennigan's and Steak & Ale chains is one symptom of the struggle that casual dining establishments are... more»
Most-Coveted Carnival Prizes

issue 4435 | 08.27.08 | Statshot
Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans

issue 4435 | 08.27.08 | Video

Overjoyed civil rights leaders say that Barack Obama has paved the way for future black politicians to be smeared as country club snobs. more»
Hurricane Bound For Texas Slowed By Large Land Mass To The South

issue 4435 | 08.25.08 | Video

Texas residents are relieved that the deadly Category 5 storm just missed them, destroying a horn-shaped land mass south of them instead. more»
The Legacy Of Dick Cheney

issue 4435 | 02.01.09 | Slideshow
The Elderly

issue 4435 | 08.10.08 | Slideshow
Our Annual Worst Issue Of The Year Issue

issue 4435 | 08.29.08 | Sunday Magazine
Will Barack Obama Overcome His Crippling Fear Of Public Speaking In Time For His Big Speech?

issue 4435 | 08.28.08 | Sunday Magazine
Giants Unveil Strahan Signal

issue 4435 | 08.28.08 | Photo Finish
Attractive Woman Receives Hamster Compliments Of Gentlemen On Other Side Of Pet Store

issue 4435 | 08.25.08 | Newswire
Jerk Already Knew That

issue 4435 | 08.25.08 | Newswire
Child's Boundless Imagination Rewarded With More Identical Cubes Of Wood

issue 4435 | 08.25.08 | Newswire
Semi-Lucid Man Makes Fully Lurid Gesture

issue 4435 | 08.25.08 | Newswire