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September 6, 2008 - September 12, 2008 | Issue 44•36

Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts

WASHINGTON—Busy dealing with important paperwork and other vice presidential duties in recent weeks, Dick Cheney was forced to put off until the last minute a cherished annual tradition:...

No One On SWAT Team Wants To Wait In Ventilation Duct With Howard

issue 4436 | 09.06.08 | News

CHICAGO—"I got stuck on a rooftop with Howard a month ago, and with no prompting he acted out about 20 minutes of Napoleon Dynamite,"... more»
Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain

issue 4436 | 09.05.08 | News

DAYTON, TN—"I brought my baby to touch the wall, so that the power of Darwin can purify her genetic makeup of undesirable inherited traits,"... more»
Top Story On John McCain Run Out Of Obligation

issue 4436 | 09.03.08 | News

NEW YORK—In order to make room for the McCain article, a story about Vice President Dick Cheney and 9/11 was relegated to a less prominent... more»
Miracle Dog Gives Birth To Septuplets

issue 4436 | 09.04.08 | News In Brief

ROANOKE, VA—The media-dubbed "Roanoke miracle dog," who goes only by the name "Ginger," has seven brand-new reasons to be overjoyed... more»
New Little Caesars Marketing Strategy Has Employees Throw Themselves On Hoods Of Passing Cars

issue 4436 | 09.03.08 | News In Brief

DETROIT—Following the failure of the pizza chain's TV advertisements and coupon flier promotions, the Little Caesars corporate office... more»
McCain Speechwriter Trying To Write Lines That Don't Lead To Creepy Smile

issue 4436 | 09.02.08 | News In Brief

PHOENIX, AZ—According to campaign sources, Joseph Chappel, a 38-year-old speechwriter for Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), has spent the last... more»
Gay War Hero Awarded Posthumous Dishonorable Discharge At White House Ceremony

issue 4436 | 09.02.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In a solemn ceremony held in the White House Rose Garden Monday, recently outed Iraq War casualty Sgt. Maj. Michael... more»
Man Pinned Under Blankets For Three Days

issue 4436 | 09.01.08 | News In Brief

MOLINE, TX—Crushed under the weight of a sudden and unexpected emotional collapse Friday, local resident Sam Cartwright spent 72 hours... more»
Brett Favre Getting That Retirement Itch Again

issue 4436 | 09.04.08 | Sports News

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Although veteran Jets quarterback Brett Favre claims he still loves the game, dwindling enthusiasm and a desire to bow... more»
Cows Instinctively Know North

issue 4436 | 09.08.08 | American Voices

German and Czech researchers have discovered that cows tend to align themselves in a north-south direction when grazing or resting. What do... more»
Gum May Aid Colon Surgery Recovery

issue 4436 | 09.05.08 | American Voices

British researchers found that patients who chewed gum after undergoing colon surgery had bowel movements sooner than those who did not. What do... more»
Abortion Not Linked To Depression

issue 4436 | 09.04.08 | American Voices

A literature review by the American Psychological Association states that women who have an abortion are not at greater risk for developing... more»
Flies Have Constant Escape Plan

issue 4436 | 09.03.08 | American Voices

Researchers have found that flies are hard to swat because they are able to calculate an escape route within milliseconds of spotting a threat.... more»
Clinton Supporters Contributing To McCain

issue 4436 | 09.02.08 | American Voices

More than 85 of Sen. Hillary Clinton's major financial supporters are now backing Sen. John McCain for president. What do you think? more»
McCain Chooses Palin As VP

issue 4436 | 09.01.08 | American Voices

Republican presidential candidate John McCain has chosen Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. What do you think? more»
New 'Reality Television Delusion' Diagnosed

issue 4436 | 09.01.08 | American Voices

Two Montreal psychiatrists claim to have discovered a mental illness in which patients think they are subjects of their own reality shows. What do... more»
Accident Reconstructionist A Hit At Family Reunion

issue 4436 | 09.08.08 | Radio
Astronomer Discovers Black Hole At Center Of Own Marriage

issue 4436 | 09.07.08 | Radio
Homicidal Surgeon General May Be Hazardous To Your Health

issue 4436 | 09.06.08 | Radio
New 'Gatorade Slow' Targets Lazy Demographic

issue 4436 | 09.05.08 | Radio
Gold Medalist Michael Phelps Signs Up To Endorse Pool Noodles

issue 4436 | 09.04.08 | Radio
New Denim Jacket Bolsters Consumer Self-Confidence

issue 4436 | 09.03.08 | Radio
Brendan's Brother Reports 'Brendan Is So Dead'

issue 4436 | 09.02.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - September 1, 2008

issue 4436 | 09.01.08 | Editorial Cartoon
ATM Flees To Mexico With $50,000

issue 4436 | 09.02.08 | News In Photos
Inconveniencing Others Makes Me Feel Alive

issue 4436 | 09.03.08 | Commentary

Every part of my body is tingling with excitement right now. I just got back from the supermarket. It was a crowded Saturday,... more»
I'm Fryin' My Nuts Off!

issue 4436 | 09.03.08 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been getting plenty hairy around here. First, I been running... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4436 | 09.02.08 | Horoscopes
Protecting Our Banks

issue 4436 | 09.03.08 | Infographic

The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, the body that insures bank deposits up to $100,000, has raised the number of "troubled banks"... more»
What Crafts Are We Making?

issue 4436 | 09.03.08 | Statshot
Being A Detective Who Talks To Ghosts Not As Exciting As It Looks On TV

issue 4436 | 09.03.08 | Video

On Today Now! paranormal detective Leonard Higgs explains that using ghosts to solve crimes actually involves a lot of paperwork. more»
Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain

issue 4436 | 09.01.08 | Video

Experts predict that Joad Cressbeckler could tip the election to Obama by attracting people who want to vote for the most crotchety candidate... more»
The Week In Review

issue 4436 | 09.04.08 | Slideshow
We Try Way Too Hard And Come Off As A Little Racist With Our Dawg Lil' Wayne

issue 4436 | 09.05.08 | Sunday Magazine
Some Vietnamese Woman Left At The Front Of The Convention Center Says She's McCain's Daughter, Can Someone Go Find Him?

issue 4436 | 09.04.08 | Sunday Magazine
Michael Phelps Winks Mischievously After Setting Off Airport Metal Detector

issue 4436 | 09.04.08 | Photo Finish
Children Given Hand-Wipes After Trip To Grandparents'

issue 4436 | 09.02.08 | Newswire
Area Man Unable To Decipher Whether Cab Driver Is Talking To Girlfriend, Boyfriend, Mother, Stockbroker, Drug Dealer, Him

issue 4436 | 09.02.08 | Newswire
Making Pancakes Best Idea Man Has For Saving Relationship

issue 4436 | 09.02.08 | Newswire
Everything Midas CEO Touches Turns To Mufflers

issue 4436 | 09.02.08 | Newswire