Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 13, 2008 - September 19, 2008 | Issue 44•37

Brave Mountain Lion Fends Off Group Of Hikers

EUREKA, CA—A local mountain lion came face-to-face with a group of hikers and made it out alive, sources reported Monday. Wildlife officials are crediting the courageous...

Woman Always Really Excited To Be In Whatever Relationship Status She's Currently In

issue 4437 | 09.13.08 | News

KINGSPORT, TN—"I'm so happy now!" said Ann Castlen, who uttered the same words after her ex first said 'I love you' and when they briefly... more»
National Endowment For The Arts Funds Construction Of $1.3 Billion Poem

issue 4437 | 09.12.08 | News

WASHINGTON—Government funding of the 14-line lyric poem will ensure that America's prose "remains the biggest, best-designed, and best... more»
Struggling Air Force One To Begin Selling Passenger Tickets

issue 4437 | 09.10.08 | News

WASHINGTON—To stay competitive, the airline will charge a fee of $25 for passengers bringing extra luggage on board, such as fishing gear or... more»
McCain's Energy Plan Emphasizes Elbow Grease, Sleeve-Rolling-Up

issue 4437 | 09.12.08 | News In Brief

HOUSTON—While campaigning in Texas Monday, Sen. John McCain delivered a speech outlining his personal energy policy, a plan that... more»
Obama Suddenly Panicked After Gazing Too Far Into Future

issue 4437 | 09.11.08 | News In Brief

MADISON, WI—Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) fell deathly silent in the middle of a speech on education before the Wisconsin Teachers Union... more»
Nation Hit Hard

issue 4437 | 09.11.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Faced with several tough factors, the nation has once again been hit hard, sources reported Tuesday. "It is unclear whether... more»
Report: More Television Viewers Becoming Desensitized To Drama

issue 4437 | 09.10.08 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Researchers at the USC Center for the Study of Television announced Monday that a new report points toward a drastically... more»
Christian Couple Staying Together For Sake Of God

issue 4437 | 09.09.08 | News In Brief

SANDUSKY, OH—Despite intense unhappiness and an ever-widening emotional rift between them, devout Christian couple Linda and Benjamin... more»
Chrysler Names '83 LeBaron CEO

issue 4437 | 09.08.08 | News In Brief

AUBURN HILLS, MI—Praising the vehicle's 25 years of experience, its proven dependability, and its 2.2-liter internal combustion... more»
Female Fans Out For Season With Tom Brady's Knee Injury

issue 4437 | 09.11.08 | Sports News

FOXBOROUGH, MA—More than 90 percent of female football fans were lost for the sesaon on Sunday when New England Patriots quarterback Tom... more»
Ron Paul Endorses Third Parties

issue 4437 | 09.12.08 | American Voices

Former Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has refused to endorse Sen. John McCain or Sen. Barack Obama, calling the race a charade and... more»
Kim Jong Il May Have Had Stroke

issue 4437 | 09.11.08 | American Voices

Following his absence during a parade celebrating the 60th anniversary of North Korea, many are speculating that Kim Jong Il has suffered a stroke.... more»
Matthews, Olbermann Ousted As MSNBC Anchors

issue 4437 | 09.10.08 | American Voices

MSNBC has removed Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann from anchor duties during coverage of the presidential campaign. What do you think? more»
Government To Take Over Big Two Lenders

issue 4437 | 09.09.08 | American Voices

The federal government announced this weekend that it would seize control of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, the country's two biggest mortgage firms,... more»
New Wolverines Mascot Savagely Mauls Star Player

issue 4437 | 09.15.08 | Radio
Minister Constantly Mentions Teenage Son's Virginity

issue 4437 | 09.14.08 | Radio
Bakery Closing Nets Man Ton Of Free Eclairs

issue 4437 | 09.13.08 | Radio
Plastic Surgeon Shows Off Collection Of Famous Nose Cartilage

issue 4437 | 09.12.08 | Radio
Area Man's Longest Finger Selected For Mission To Bottom Of Peanut Jar

issue 4437 | 09.11.08 | Radio
President Bush Only Has To Spend 20 Trillion To Inherit Bush Family Fortune

issue 4437 | 09.10.08 | Radio
Scarlett Johansson Plunges Sexily To Her Death

issue 4437 | 09.09.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - September 8, 2008

issue 4437 | 09.08.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Crumpled-Up Potato Chip Bag Spotted In Bathroom Trash Can

issue 4437 | 09.10.08 | News In Photos
McCain Silences Critics With Perfectly Executed Cartwheel

issue 4437 | 09.09.08 | News In Photos
I Was Under The Impression That Everyone Loved My Headlocks

issue 4437 | 09.10.08 | Commentary

My entire life, I've always loved some good old-fashioned horseplay, and I assumed everyone else felt the same. So you can imagine my... more»
Hey, Where Did All My Stuff Go?

issue 4437 | 09.10.08 | Commentary

Well this sucks. I leave the realm of the living to roam the underworld for a few thousand years, return to my burial place to enjoy all my... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4437 | 09.09.08 | Horoscopes
Voter Registration Efforts

issue 4437 | 09.10.08 | Infographic

As the election grows nearer, many organizations are out in full force to increase voter registration. What are they doing to encourage... more»
Best-Selling Exercise Equipment

issue 4437 | 09.09.08 | Statshot
Economists Warn Anti-Bush Merchandise Market Close To Collapse

issue 4437 | 09.10.08 | Video

The sudden drop in demand for "Buck Fush" T-shirts and "Hail to the Chimp" posters could leave millions unemployed. more»
Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jacksonville Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life

issue 4437 | 09.09.08 | Video

After comprehending the capricious nature of fate, the Jaguars could not go through with the charade of playing a meaningless football game. more»
Gadgets

issue 4437 | 09.16.08 | Slideshow
The Week In Review

issue 4437 | 09.15.08 | Slideshow
Inside Obama's Emails

issue 4437 | 09.12.08 | Slideshow
The Week In Review

issue 4437 | 09.08.08 | Slideshow
Another Small Town With Fucked-Up Shit Beneath The Surface

issue 4437 | 09.12.08 | Sunday Magazine
Bored Man To Participate In 2,200 Mile Bike Race

issue 4437 | 09.11.08 | Photo Finish
Anger At Hard Drive Taken Out On Monitor

issue 4437 | 09.08.08 | Newswire
Freed Animal Tearfully Encouraged To Go On, Git

issue 4437 | 09.08.08 | Newswire
Having Parents Worst Thing To Ever Happen To Area Child

issue 4437 | 09.08.08 | Newswire
Man Still Delivering Pickup Lines Mid-Coitus

issue 4437 | 09.08.08 | Newswire