Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 20, 2008 - September 26, 2008 | Issue 44•38

'Carpe Diem,' Says Man Who Spent Previous Day Masturbating In Darkened Room

OLYMPIA, WA—Less than 12 hours after devoting his entire Saturday to masturbating in a dimly lit room, local resident Ian Schiller, 25, advised a friend with whom he was eating brunch to "seize...

EPA Shuts Down Local Ghost-Entrapment Business

issue 4438 | 09.20.08 | News

NEW YORK—Some believe the arrests were personally motivated, possibly due to a previous altercation with former parapsychology researcher Dr.... more»
Congress Lowers Drinking Age To 17 Just For Jenny's Party

issue 4438 | 09.19.08 | News

WASHINGTON—H.R. 874, more commonly known as the Jenny's Turning 17!!! Bill, will take effect Friday, Sept. 19, 2008, as soon as Jenny's parents... more»
Obama Deletes Another Unread MoveOn.org E-Mail

issue 4438 | 09.17.08 | News

CHICAGO—"Ugh, not these people again," Obama was overheard to say as he placed the unread e-mail into the Gmail folder marked "Trash." more»
John Kerry Actually Pretty Good At Windsurfing Now

issue 4438 | 09.30.08 | News In Brief

BOSTON—Four years after being blasted as an elitist for his Ivy League education, wealthy background, and hobby of windsurfing, sources... more»
Area Father Remembers When He Thought Killing Family, Self Was Crazy

issue 4438 | 09.19.08 | News In Brief

SCHAUMBURG, IL— Father of five Don Knutsen, 39, can still recall a time not too long ago when he would have instantly dismissed the... more»
Area Man Committed To Being Spicy Food Guy

issue 4438 | 09.18.08 | News In Brief

NEWTON, KS—Auto salesman Royce Flankingston—known to frequently question waitstaff as to whether or not food is "actually"... more»
New Nervous-Energy Drink Recreates Feeling Of Waiting For Girl To Call

issue 4438 | 09.17.08 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—According to makers of the nervous-energy drink Pace!, the new beverage provides consumers with the same anxiety,... more»
Palin Unveils 9/11 Firefighter Cousin, Reformed Lesbian Niece, Naturalized Mexican Half Brother

issue 4438 | 09.16.08 | News In Brief

CARBONDALE, PA—Less than two weeks after introducing to the nation her developmentally disabled newborn and her 19-year-old son... more»
Parody Movie Script One Crotch-Hitting Joke Short Of Being Greenlit

issue 4438 | 09.16.08 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—The script for Epic Movie 2: Epicer Movie is, according to writer-directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, only... more»
Word 'Presumptive' Prepares For Another 4-Year Hibernation

issue 4438 | 09.15.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—As the leaves begin to turn and another election season draws to a close, the term "presumptive" has once again readied... more»
Night Of Watching Game Show Network Leaves Man Concerned About Life Insurance

issue 4438 | 09.15.08 | News In Brief

BRIDGEWATER, IA—Shortly after watching back-to-back episodes of Love Connection, The Newlywed Game, and Lingo Monday night, local... more»
NASCAR Cancels Remainder Of Season Following David Foster Wallace's Death

issue 4438 | 09.18.08 | Sports News

LOUDON, NH—Shock, grief, and the overwhelming sense of loss that has swept the stock car racing community following the death by apparent... more»
Ryan O'Neal, Son Arrested For Drugs

issue 4438 | 09.19.08 | American Voices

Actor Ryan O'Neal and his son Redmond were arrested in their home on suspected possession of methamphetamine. What do you think? more»
Jewish Voters Push-Polled

issue 4438 | 09.18.08 | American Voices

Jewish voters in two states have reported they were asked leading questions during a phone survey about Barack Obama intended to sway their... more»
Candidates Vow To Fix Wall Street

issue 4438 | 09.17.08 | American Voices

With the Dow Jones industrial average plunging more than 500 points Monday, both Sen. John McCain and Sen. Barack Obama are claiming they have a... more»
Terrorism Training Videos Yanked From YouTube

issue 4438 | 09.16.08 | American Voices

The new community guidelines for YouTube ban users from uploading videos that incite violence or teach violent activities, like bomb making. What... more»
Botox May Cure Migraines

issue 4438 | 09.15.08 | American Voices

Pharmaceutical company Allergan says its paralysis-inducing wrinkle preventer Botox works as a treatment for chronic migraines. What do you... more»
Wealthy Housewife Learns Spanish For Some Reason

issue 4438 | 09.22.08 | Radio
Chimp Study On Human Response To Feces-Hurling Nears Completion

issue 4438 | 09.21.08 | Radio
Laid-Off Zoologist Goes On Tranquilizing Rampage

issue 4438 | 09.20.08 | Radio
Alpha Yam Resists Being Candied

issue 4438 | 09.19.08 | Radio
Area Man Regrets Going Into Snifter Business

issue 4438 | 09.18.08 | Radio
Tennessee Nears Expiration Date

issue 4438 | 09.17.08 | Radio
Amateur Balloonist Accidently Floats Around World

issue 4438 | 09.16.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - September 22, 2008

issue 4438 | 09.22.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Editorial Cartoon - September 15, 2008

issue 4438 | 09.15.08 | Editorial Cartoon
All-American Ticket Hails From Alaska, Panama Canal Zone

issue 4438 | 09.17.08 | News In Photos
Dripping-Wet Josh Holloway Enters Local Restaurant

issue 4438 | 09.16.08 | News In Photos
What Am I Going To Do With All These Dog Uteruses?

issue 4438 | 09.17.08 | Commentary

Anyone who enjoyed my historic 35-year run as host of The Price Is Right knows there's no cause I feel more strongly about than the... more»
My Son Has Exactly The Ideas Needed To Turn This Company Around

issue 4438 | 09.17.08 | Commentary

Our company started manufacturing and reconditioning toner cartridges back in 1993, and 15 years later, Wernicke is the name you can... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4438 | 09.16.08 | Horoscopes
Rumors Swirl Around Palin

issue 4438 | 09.17.08 | Infographic

Ever since Sen. John McCain's selection of Gov. Sarah Palin as his running mate, the press has been abuzz with rumors about the former mayor... more»
Known Gary Glitter Aliases

issue 4438 | 09.16.08 | Statshot
Obama Promises To Stop America's Shitty Jobs From Going Overseas

issue 4438 | 09.17.08 | Video

In an appeal to working class voters, Barack Obama claimed his economic plan would save millions of backbreaking, mind-numbing shitty jobs. more»
Disney Lab Unveils Its Latest Line Of Genetically Engineered Child Stars

issue 4438 | 09.15.08 | Video

Disney claims its latest batch of child stars is so lifelike, you’ll barely be able to tell they have no souls. more»
Religion

issue 4438 | 09.18.08 | Slideshow
Health & Wellness

issue 4438 | 09.01.08 | Slideshow
N64 For Sale!!!

issue 4438 | 09.19.08 | Sunday Magazine
Injured Player Gives Thumbs-Down While Being Carted Off Field

issue 4438 | 09.18.08 | Photo Finish
Elderly Dog Falls Down Pet Stairs

issue 4438 | 09.15.08 | Newswire
Trail Of Rose Petals Leads Wife To Sink Full Of Dishes

issue 4438 | 09.15.08 | Newswire
Attempt To Conceal Sweat Stain Enlarges Sweat Stain

issue 4438 | 09.15.08 | Newswire
Impressionist Does A Dead-On Monet

issue 4438 | 09.15.08 | Newswire