Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 4, 2008 - October 10, 2008 | Issue 44•40

Report: 60 Million People You'd Never Talk To Voting For Other Guy

BOSTON—According to an eye-opening report released Tuesday, 60 million people whom you would never talk to, would never be in a position to talk to, and wouldn't even be able to...

Local Woman Devotes Life To Doing God's Busy Work

issue 4440 | 10.04.08 | News

LORETTO, MN—"The Lord hath spoken to me, and He hath said, 'The lightbulb in the rectory needs changing,'" 46-year-old church parishioner Betty... more»
Police: iPhone Left In Hot Car For Three Hours

issue 4440 | 10.03.08 | News

WINNETKA, IL—The iPhone was found lying face down on the dashboard showing no signs of life, but after a tense few seconds, officers were able... more»
Hurricane Katrina Returns To New Orleans To Apologize

issue 4440 | 09.30.08 | News

NEW ORLEANS—"Please don't run," said the hurricane, addressing residents fleeing from a press conference in the now destroyed Superdome. "I'm... more»
Congress Can't Remember Last Time It Got Together And Legislated Like This

issue 4440 | 10.06.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In the midst of negotiating the largest economic bailout ever proposed, congressional leaders agreed Friday that the chaos... more»
Bush Calls In National Marching Band To Lift U.S. Spirits

issue 4440 | 10.03.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—President Bush called the Coalition of Instrumentalists and Minstrels, more commonly known as the national marching band,... more»
Scandal: McCain Won Miss Congeniality Of U.S. Senate In 2000, 2003

issue 4440 | 10.02.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Despite insisting several times during the first presidential debate that he had never won the U.S. Senate Miss... more»
Parents Of Obama Volunteer Couldn't Be More Proud, Sick Of Son

issue 4440 | 10.02.08 | News In Brief

OAK PARK, IL—Parents of Obama '08 campaign volunteer Mark Lowe said their son's selfless work for the Illinois senator has shown the... more»
Man With Food In Beard Saying Something About Climate Change

issue 4440 | 10.02.08 | News In Brief

GENEVA—A man with a piece of food stuck in his beard is currently addressing an auditorium full of world leaders and prominent scholars... more»
Area Man Pretty Sure It's Not Broken

issue 4440 | 10.01.08 | News In Brief

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Despite coming down on it pretty hard, area man Doug Grissett maintained his position Thursday that it is not broken.... more»
Palin Brushing Up On Foreign Policy At Epcot

issue 4440 | 09.29.08 | News In Brief

ORLANDO, FL—Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin sought to silence those who have criticized her lack of foreign affairs... more»
Members Of Twisted Sister Now Willing To Take It

issue 4440 | 09.29.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—In a stunning reversal of their long-stated reluctance to take it, members of heavy-metal band Twisted Sister announced... more»
Breast Cancer Launches WNBA Awareness Month

issue 4440 | 10.02.08 | Sports News

NEW YORK— Leading representatives of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation announced Wednesday that the month of October would... more»
Phish To Reunite

issue 4440 | 10.03.08 | American Voices

Four years after disbanding, the Vermont jam band Phish has announced plans to reunite in March 2009, starting with three performances in Virginia.... more»
Traffic Deaths Rise On Election Day

issue 4440 | 10.02.08 | American Voices

Researchers noticed an 18 percent spike in traffic fatalities on days a presidential election was held. What do you think? more»
Churches Illegally Endorse Candidates

issue 4440 | 10.01.08 | American Voices

Thirty-three pastors in 22 states are in danger of losing tax-exempt status for their churches after endorsing a candidate from the pulpit. What do... more»
Stock Market Posts Record Point Loss

issue 4440 | 09.30.08 | American Voices

After the defeat of the bailout bill, the Dow Jones plunged a record 777 points. What do you think? more»
U.S., Pakistan Exchange Fire

issue 4440 | 09.29.08 | American Voices

Troops from the United States exchanged gunfire with our ally Pakistan on the Afghan-Pakistani border. What do you think? more»
Widow Out-Mourned

issue 4440 | 10.16.08 | Radio
Infomercial Makes Leap To Big Screen

issue 4440 | 10.11.08 | Radio
Special Report: The Great Onion Schism Of 1783

issue 4440 | 10.05.08 | Radio
Special Report: Top Entertainers Of 1783

issue 4440 | 10.05.08 | Radio
Special Report: The Fabrics Of 1783

issue 4440 | 10.05.08 | Radio
Special Report: How The Onion Was Printed In 1783

issue 4440 | 10.05.08 | Radio
Special Report: Adultery And Crime In 1783

issue 4440 | 10.05.08 | Radio
Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video

issue 4440 | 10.05.08 | Radio
Unknown Gunman In Hardee's Parking Lot On Verge Of International Fame

issue 4440 | 10.05.08 | Radio
Hard Times Hit Springsteenville

issue 4440 | 10.04.08 | Radio
Bush Goes Blonde For Remainder Of Presidency

issue 4440 | 10.03.08 | Radio
Lobbyist Gets Candy On Food Pyramid

issue 4440 | 10.01.08 | Radio
Everything Midas CEO Touches Turns To Mufflers

issue 4440 | 09.30.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - September 29, 2008

issue 4440 | 09.29.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Paul Newman Dies After Consuming 51 Hard-Boiled Eggs

issue 4440 | 10.01.08 | News In Photos
Government Bails Out Dow Jones With 10,000 Points

issue 4440 | 09.30.08 | News In Photos
People Of Earth, I Lack Basic Social Skills

issue 4440 | 10.01.08 | Commentary

Citizens of Earth! My name is Robert Stubinsky. Please, do not be afraid! I come from a small green home on Edgemore Avenue. There... more»
Looks Like Someone Let The Affair Cat Out Of The Wife Bag

issue 4440 | 10.01.08 | Commentary

Oh boy. This is bad. Really bad. I am up adultery creek without a slept-with-my-secretary paddle this time. There's just no denying it. I'm... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4440 | 09.30.08 | Horoscopes
Rules Of The Vice Presidential Debate

issue 4440 | 10.01.08 | Infographic

The vice presidential debate is scheduled for Oct. 2. What are the rules of this debate? more»
What Is The $700 Billion Bailout Being Spent On?

issue 4440 | 10.01.08 | Statshot
China Launches First Willing Manned Mission Into Space

issue 4440 | 10.01.08 | Video

Chinese gathered to see Zhang Tong, the first Chinese man to go into space without being chained inside the rocket. more»
Obama Runs Constructive Criticism Ad Against McCain

issue 4440 | 09.29.08 | Video

In response to Republican attacks, Barack Obama unleashed a series of slightly negative ads that gently point out how McCain could be doing a better... more»
The Week In Review

issue 4440 | 10.07.08 | Slideshow
10 Years Of You Missing Out On The Google Money Train

issue 4440 | 10.03.08 | Sunday Magazine
Mr. Met Takes Frustrations Out On Fans

issue 4440 | 10.02.08 | Photo Finish
Woman Alternates Between Vomiting, Apologizing

issue 4440 | 09.30.08 | Newswire
Coelacanth Discovered In Long John Silver's Fryer

issue 4440 | 09.30.08 | Newswire
Undergraduate Student Under Graduate Student

issue 4440 | 09.30.08 | Newswire
17-Star General Admits To Grabbing Stars When No One Was Looking

issue 4440 | 09.30.08 | Newswire