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October 18, 2008 - October 24, 2008 | Issue 44•42

900-Pound Giant Squid Joins Cast Of 'The View'

NEW YORK—The View, a daytime talk show featuring a panel of women who discuss current events and topical issues, has found its newest cohost—a 53-foot-long giant...

Dream About You Not Sexual, Coworker Reports

issue 4442 | 10.18.08 | News

BURLINGTON, VT—Andrew Pagano, 39, assured that you had all your clothes on, the dream was very short, and it was actually one of those dreams... more»
Southern Sheriff Pulls Over Obama Campaign Bus For Broken Taillight

issue 4442 | 10.17.08 | News

FOXWORTH, MS—Addressing him as "Barry," the sheriff told Obama that "someone 'bout his height, 'bout his skin color knocked out a Piggly Wiggly... more»
Bush Calls For Panic

issue 4442 | 10.15.08 | News

WASHINGTON—Many call the plan Bush's most well-thought-out proposal to date which calls for hysterical fear, dry heaving, and the legalization... more»
John McCain Not Going To Ask Cindy McCain Twice

issue 4442 | 10.17.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—While traveling on his campaign bus yesterday, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) took a moment to forcefully reiterate his official... more»
Study Finds No Logical Reason Why Planes Fly

issue 4442 | 10.17.08 | News In Brief

PALO ALTO, CA—According to a recent study conducted by a team of physicists at Stanford University, there is no logical explanation... more»
Man Dives Haphazardly Into Conversation Like Wounded Osprey

issue 4442 | 10.16.08 | News In Brief

BLOOMFIELD, CT—Local man Alan Heller, 37, hovered near a gathering of acquaintances for 30 seconds and then plunged haphazardly into... more»
No One Else But You Invited To Creepy Dave's Debate Party

issue 4442 | 10.15.08 | News In Brief

TEMPE, AZ—In a development that will soon leave you feeling uncomfortable and slightly scared, sources have reported that you, and only... more»
Poll: 85% Of Americans Would Like To See Candidates Compete In Funny Obstacle Course

issue 4442 | 10.15.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—According to a USA Today–Gallup poll released Monday, as many as 85 percent of Americans strongly wish to see Sens.... more»
'I Am Under 18' Button Clicked For First Time In History Of Internet

issue 4442 | 10.15.08 | News In Brief

CHINO, CA—In an unprecedented and historic event Monday, the "I Am Under 18" button, an Internet security device which if selected... more»
Cool McCain Supporter Wears 'McCain 2000' Shirt To Campaign Speech

issue 4442 | 10.14.08 | News In Brief

COLUMBUS, OH—According to attendees at a rally held in Columbus' Capitol Theatre Monday, a John McCain supporter in his early 30s was... more»
Scott Bakula Jumps Into McCain's Body Just Before Election

issue 4442 | 10.13.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—With Republican nominee John McCain continuing to flounder at the polls, the unknown force that orders the universe... more»
Financial Planner Advises Shorter Life Span

issue 4442 | 10.13.08 | News In Brief

TUCSON, AZ—After reviewing his client's income, assets, and personal budget Tuesday, Morgan Stanley financial adviser Henry Dalton... more»
Obama Under Fire For Playing T-Ball During Vietnam

issue 4442 | 10.10.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—At a press conference on Monday, members of the Vietnam Veterans Alliance blasted Democratic nominee Barack Obama for his... more»
Tony Womo Out Three To Four Weeks With Bwoken Widdle Fingey

issue 4442 | 10.16.08 | Sports News

DAWWAS—Cowboys medical personnel confirm that quawterback Tony Womo injured his thwowing hand in last week's 30-24 loss to the Arizona... more»
Gmail Offers Drunk E-Mail Protection

issue 4442 | 10.17.08 | American Voices

Gmail now provides an optional series of questions to make sure users are relatively sober before sending an e-mail. What do you think? more»
Law Allows Abandoning Teens

issue 4442 | 10.16.08 | American Voices

A Nebraska law designed to protect newborns and infants has instead allowed parents to abandon children up to age 19 at hospitals. What do... more»
British Corpses Piling Up

issue 4442 | 10.15.08 | American Voices

British undertakers are refusing to bury the dead until bereaved families receive delayed government support payments. What do you think? more»
Palin Claims Innocence Despite Report

issue 4442 | 10.14.08 | American Voices

Responding to a report which said that she broke ethics laws in trying to have an Alaska state trooper fired, Gov. Sarah Palin said the report... more»
U.S. Debt Outgrows Debt Clock

issue 4442 | 10.13.08 | American Voices

The national debt has surpassed $10 trillion, thereby exceeding the 13 digits the National Debt Clock in New York's Times Square. more»
Fleet Of Alien Destroyers Demand Details Of Obama's Universal Health Care Plan

issue 4442 | 10.20.08 | Radio
Child So Stupid She Sees Letters Backwards

issue 4442 | 10.19.08 | Radio
Amish Give Up

issue 4442 | 10.18.08 | Radio
Sci-Fi Channel Launches Battlestar Galactica: Miami

issue 4442 | 10.17.08 | Radio
Man Covered In Flour, Chicken Feathers Has Everything Under Control

issue 4442 | 10.15.08 | Radio
Colombian Bio-Engineers Create Gun-And-Drugs Tree

issue 4442 | 10.14.08 | Radio
Michelle Obama All That Stands Between Love-Struck Media, Barack Obama

issue 4442 | 10.13.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - October 13, 2008

issue 4442 | 10.13.08 | Editorial Cartoon
McCain Clinches Religious Vote With Stirring High-Register Rendition Of 'Ave Maria'

issue 4442 | 10.15.08 | News In Photos
Closed-Door Meeting To Determine Future Of Honey-Roasted Peanuts

issue 4442 | 10.14.08 | News In Photos
The Imminent Collapse Of Global Markets Is No Reason To Skimp On Four-Season Gutter Protection

issue 4442 | 10.15.08 | Commentary

I know you're worried about the economy. Hell, we all are. You don't need to be some kind of financial guru to know that things are looking... more»
And If You Direct Your Attention To The X-Axis, You'll Find I Have No Idea What I'm Talking About

issue 4442 | 10.14.08 | Commentary

In today's class, we'll be exploring the following principles: first, the Pythagorean theorem. Second, the reciprocal relationship between... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4442 | 10.14.08 | Horoscopes
October Surprises In History

issue 4442 | 10.15.08 | Infographic

Many elections have been altered by an "October surprise," or a sudden revelation that casts one candidate in a bad light. Here are some of... more»
Least Popular Work-Study Jobs

issue 4442 | 10.15.08 | Statshot
John McCain Accidentally Left On Campaign Bus Overnight

issue 4442 | 10.19.08 | Video

Campaign officials downplayed the incident, saying the senator was fine as soon as he was fed and taken to the bathroom. more»
Was There Too Much Sex And Profanity In The HBO Presidential Debate?

issue 4442 | 10.15.08 | Video

Our In The Know panelists debate whether the graphic sex acts and extreme violence in HBO's McCain-Obama debate crossed the line. more»
Precocious Youngster Sells Cookies To Buy Attack Ad

issue 4442 | 10.13.08 | Video

In this installment of Beyond The Facts, a gifted 8-year-old girl participates in grown-up politics by spreading smears and lies. more»
12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams

issue 4442 | 10.12.08 | Video

Two prospective Eagle Scouts explain how they are preventing breast cancer by helping women examine their breasts. more»
How Will History Remember Pol Pot?

issue 4442 | 10.17.08 | Sunday Magazine
Flyers Defenseman Ceremonially Checks Sarah Palin Into Boards

issue 4442 | 10.16.08 | Photo Finish
First-Ever Untouched Photos Of The Weird Birthmark On Barack Obama's Face

issue 4442 | 10.13.08 | Sunday Magazine
Guy Taking Martial Arts Class Wants To Show You Something

issue 4442 | 10.13.08 | Newswire
Area Father Has Plan To Wait In Darkened Living Room Until Son Returns Home, Turn On Lamp

issue 4442 | 10.13.08 | Newswire
Pizza Guy Asks The Score

issue 4442 | 10.13.08 | Newswire
Song Climbs To Top Of Country Music Charts, Throws Itself Off

issue 4442 | 10.13.08 | Newswire