Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 25, 2008 - October 31, 2008 | Issue 44•43

Plastic Surgeon General Warns Of Small Breasts Epidemic

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—According to a report released Monday by U.S. plastic surgeon general Dr. Louis T. Saddler, an alarming number of American...

Area Man Saddened To Realize Short Jewish Women With An Interest In Theater His Type

issue 4443 | 10.25.08 | News

CHICAGO—David Simms couldn't believe he hadn't made the connection sooner after dating a string of nasally ushers and a stocky divorcée... more»
Swaggering Down 87%

issue 4443 | 10.24.08 | News

NEW YORK—A wide-legged gait accompanied by an overconfident smile and a jauntily raised eyebrow may soon be a thing of the past due to recent... more»
Dollar Bill On Floor Sends Wall Street Into Frenzy

issue 4443 | 10.22.08 | News

NEW YORK—"I think I touched it and it was warm and soft and wonderful," said Tim Fornato, emerging briefly from a dog pile of frantic floor... more»
Ron Paul Promises To Return When Country Needs Him Most

issue 4443 | 10.24.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—After piling the last of his Campaign for Liberty signs in the back of a beat-up Ford truck Thursday, Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX)... more»
Candidates Annoyed To Have To Take Stance On Zinc Mining

issue 4443 | 10.23.08 | News In Brief

WINONA, MO—After learning about the importance of zinc mining to residents in the crucial swing state of Missouri, presidential... more»
McCain Blasts Obama As Out Of Touch In Burma-Shave-Style Billboard Campaign

issue 4443 | 10.22.08 | News In Brief

RAPID CITY, SD—John McCain escalated his attacks on Obama's leadership credentials Tuesday by endorsing a series of rhyming... more»
Zogby Poll: John Zogby Coolest Dude In America

issue 4443 | 10.22.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In a poll taken by Zogby International, 100 percent of respondents agreed that American pollster John Zogby is the coolest dude... more»
Powerful Special Interest Group Momentarily Blanks On Agenda

issue 4443 | 10.21.08 | News In Brief

FAIRFAX, VA—After nearly 150 years spent unapologetically advocating for a single, unifying issue, the National Rifle... more»
Area Boy Enters Jumping-And-Touching-Tops-Of-Doorways Phase

issue 4443 | 10.21.08 | News In Brief

BROOKINGS, SD—Local 11-year-old Dylan Adams entered the stage in childhood development Wednesday in which a boy feels the... more»
Man's Alcoholism Getting A Little Out Of Hand

issue 4443 | 10.20.08 | News In Brief

FAIRFIELD, OH—Friends and family of unemployed construction worker Brian Roberts announced Tuesday that the 36-year-old's habitual and... more»
Double-Booked Tropicana Field Holds First Haunted House World Series

issue 4443 | 10.23.08 | Sports News

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Tampa Bay Rays officials and Tropicana Field stadium management announced Wednesday night that, due to an unfortunate and... more»
Americans Voting Early

issue 4443 | 10.27.08 | American Voices

So far, more than 5 million people have cast their ballots in states where early voting is available. What do you think? more»
Miss Teen Louisiana Dethroned

issue 4443 | 10.24.08 | American Voices

With only 11 days to go before her successor was appointed, the reigning Miss Teen Louisiana was stripped of her crown in response to her arrest... more»
Palin Charged Children's Travel To State

issue 4443 | 10.23.08 | American Voices

According to an investigation by the Associated Press, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska for trips her children took with her, later amending... more»
Obama Advertising In Video Games

issue 4443 | 10.22.08 | American Voices

Barack Obama's presidential campaign has begun advertising in video games like Guitar Hero and Madden NFL 09 in the weeks before the election. What... more»
Powell Endorses Obama

issue 4443 | 10.21.08 | American Voices

On Meet the Press this Sunday, former Bush cabinet member Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for president. What do you think? more»
Starr Asks Fans Not To Write

issue 4443 | 10.20.08 | American Voices

Saying he no longer has time to respond, drummer Ringo Starr announced that he would not accept any more fan mail or objects to be signed after... more»
Report: Christmas Suicides Come Earlier Every Year

issue 4443 | 10.27.08 | Radio
Area Man Suspicious Of Subway Wrap

issue 4443 | 10.26.08 | Radio
Hopes, Dreams Crushed By Panel Of D-List Celebrities

issue 4443 | 10.25.08 | Radio
Palin Family Just Sitting Around Living Room Eating Jerky

issue 4443 | 10.24.08 | Radio
Researcher Secures Funding To Harass Living Shit Out Of Puffer Fish

issue 4443 | 10.23.08 | Radio
Depressed Carpet Cleaner Turns Vacuum On Himself

issue 4443 | 10.22.08 | Radio
Economic Crisis Traced To Bounced Check For $16

issue 4443 | 10.21.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - October 20, 2008

issue 4443 | 10.20.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Obama Purchases Ad Space On Side Of McCain’s Bus

issue 4443 | 10.22.08 | News In Photos
Bailiff Can’t Help Wondering What Life Would Be Like On Other Side Of Judge

issue 4443 | 10.21.08 | News In Photos
When Life Gets You Down, Sometimes You Just Have To Make 'D4: The Mighty Ducks' Yourself

issue 4443 | 10.22.08 | Commentary

Life is unfair. That's just a fact. But when you've got no money and no family and it's been three years since Hollywood offered you a role in... more»
You Jeanketeers Could Have Said Something Earlier, You Know!

issue 4443 | 10.22.08 | Columnists

Know that old adage "You learn something new every day"? Well, I don't believe it's literally true; before this weekend, I, myself, had only... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4443 | 10.21.08 | Horoscopes
Madonna's Rocky Romances

issue 4443 | 10.22.08 | Infographic

In the latest chapter of Madonna's romantic history, it was announced last week that she and director Guy Ritchie are going to get a... more»
What Else Is On The Ballot?

issue 4443 | 10.22.08 | Statshot
Cindy McCain Claims She’s ‘Just Like Any Other Female Human’

issue 4443 | 10.26.08 | Video

Despite the media's portrayal of her, Cindy McCain says she is a down-to-earth person who enjoys breathing oxygen and consuming earth food for energy. more»
Press Secretary's 'Zumtrel Flooby' Answer May Be Attempt To Evade Question

issue 4443 | 10.21.08 | Video

The press secretary explained the president's economic policy by talking about something called a 'grapewood straab.' more»
First Openly Gay Racehorse To Compete Sunday

issue 4443 | 10.20.08 | Video

As controversy swirls around thoroughbred Ship's Captain, the horse's trainer says people should focus on the horse's abilities, not its sexuality. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4443 | 10.25.08 | Slideshow
The Week In Review

issue 4443 | 10.21.08 | Slideshow
Third Party Candidate Vic Valentine And How His Strategy To Take The Swinger State Vote Could Spoil The Election

issue 4443 | 10.24.08 | Sunday Magazine
Fumble!

issue 4443 | 10.23.08 | Photo Finish
Swerving Out Of Way At Last Minute Praised As Great Driving

issue 4443 | 10.20.08 | Newswire
Flag Football Game Ends With Participants Believing They Played Football

issue 4443 | 10.20.08 | Newswire
Leather-Clad Gang Looks Capable Of Stylized Violence

issue 4443 | 10.20.08 | Newswire
Area Man Takes Up Piano For Sole Purpose Of Learning 'Jurassic Park' Theme

issue 4443 | 10.20.08 | Newswire