Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 1, 2008 - November 7, 2008 | Issue 44•44

Microsoft Ad Campaign Crashing Nation's Televisions

WASHINGTON—According to an FCC report released Monday, a new $300 million Microsoft ad campaign is responsible for causing televisions all across the country to unexpectedly crash. ...

Burned Lower Half Of Mort's Face Revealed In 'Bazooka Joe' Stunner

issue 4444 | 11.01.08 | News

NEW YORK—"The shocking unveiling of that blistered face is a paradigm shift on a scale never before seen in bubble-gum literature," said... more»
Supremes Court Upholds Stopping In The Name Of Love In 2-1 Decision

issue 4444 | 10.31.08 | News

WASHINGTON—Chief Justice Ross gave the sole dissenting opinion, saying she could not endorse a ruling that did not take into account the... more»
'I Would Make A Bad President,' Obama Says In Huge Campaign Blunder

issue 4444 | 10.28.08 | News

TALLAHASSEE, FL—"If McCain can find some way to exploit this miscue, it could have the potential to be a real game-changer," said Times... more»
Obama's Record-Breaking Fundraising Effort Bankrupting NPR, World Wildlife Fund, ACLU

issue 4444 | 10.31.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—After taking in more than $150 million in September, Sen. Barack Obama's historic fundraising drive has continued to... more»
Need For More Places To Sit Becomes Election's Most Important Issue

issue 4444 | 10.31.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—According to a revealing new Washington Post–ABC News poll, the need for more places to sit is rapidly eclipsing... more»
Struggling Lower-Class Still Unsure How Best To Fuck Selves With Vote

issue 4444 | 10.30.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—As election day nears, millions of the nation's poorest voters have reportedly yet to settle on the most profound and... more»
Obama Warns He May Cease To Exist Unless America Believes In Him

issue 4444 | 10.30.08 | News In Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Unless citizens throughout America keep him in their thoughts, say his name to themselves over and over, and otherwise... more»
As Election Draws Near, Area Man Moves To All-Obama T-Shirt Rotation

issue 4444 | 10.29.08 | News In Brief

BURBANK, CA—After hearing the Democratic nominee call on his supporters not to let up in light of recent polls, Burbank resident Noah... more»
Coworker Almost Got That Exact Same Thing When He Ate There

issue 4444 | 10.29.08 | News In Brief

POTOMAC, MD—According to coworker Luke Nielson, he almost got that exact same dish when he himself ate at the Water Lily Café... more»
Report: Election May Come Down To Single Candidate

issue 4444 | 10.28.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the New America Foundation, the race for the presidency could potentially culminate... more»
Bruce Springsteen Concert Totally Changes Area Man's Mind About Voting

issue 4444 | 10.28.08 | News In Brief

PHILADELPHIA—A recent Bruce Spring- steen free acoustic set on Philadelphia's Ben Franklin Parkway completely changed the mind of... more»
Bob Barr On Two-Party System: "Waaah! Waaah!"

issue 4444 | 10.27.08 | News In Brief

In a speech delivered to a small group of supporters in Pennsylvania, Libertarian presidential candidate Bob Barr made a number of... more»
Bill Clinton Starts Own Presidential School

issue 4444 | 10.27.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Former president Bill Clinton announced Wednesday the opening of the Bill Clinton President School, a four-day training... more»
Lieberman's Overlords Most Displeased

issue 4444 | 10.26.08 | News In Brief

EIGHT MILES BENEATH THE EARTH’S SURFACE—According to reports from deep within the secret underground lair of the Tributon IV Project,... more»
Long-Snapper And Son Long-Snap A Few Balls Around Backyard

issue 4444 | 10.30.08 | Sports News

CLEVELAND— Former Browns long-snapper Wes Hardigree, 38, took advantage of the lovely autumn weather Wednesday afternoon, picking up his... more»
Halloween Restrictions Against Sex Offenders Blocked

issue 4444 | 10.31.08 | American Voices

Parts of a Missouri law requiring sex offenders had to remain inside with the lights out on Halloween night were rejected by a judge as... more»
Sen. Stevens Found Guilty

issue 4444 | 10.30.08 | American Voices

Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) was found guilty of ethics violations for not reporting expensive gifts, including $250,000 worth of home improvements from... more»
Unlicensed Plumber and Tax-Evader Endorses McCain

issue 4444 | 10.29.08 | American Voices

Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, has publicly endorsed McCain. What do you think? more»
MillerCoors Quietly Kills Zima

issue 4444 | 10.28.08 | American Voices

MillerCoors LLC has discontinued its clear malt beverage Zima, saying that the last of the existing inventory would be in stores until December.... more»
Calvin Klein To Build Runway Control Tower After Tragic Five-Model Pileup

issue 4444 | 11.03.08 | Radio
48-Hour Internet Outage Plunges Nation Into Productivity

issue 4444 | 11.02.08 | Radio
Last Great Party Of Man's Life Results In First Child

issue 4444 | 11.01.08 | Radio
Area Man To Raise Dead Brother's Plants As His Own

issue 4444 | 10.31.08 | Radio
Tiny Frankfurter Appetizes Local Man

issue 4444 | 10.30.08 | Radio
Jet Li Hugs 3 Friends At Once

issue 4444 | 10.29.08 | Radio
Everything That's Ever Been Popular To Be Turned Into Broadway Musicals

issue 4444 | 10.28.08 | Radio
Discovery Of Oil Turns Peru Into Bunch Of Assholes

issue 4444 | 10.07.07 | Radio
Lucky Dead Student Gets Own Page In Yearbook

issue 4444 | 10.07.07 | Radio
General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Air Bags

issue 4444 | 10.07.07 | Radio
Film School Graduate Bad-Mouths Film School

issue 4444 | 10.07.07 | Radio
Amnesty International Demands Gentler Soap For Indonesian Political Prisoner

issue 4444 | 10.07.07 | Radio
Dept. Of Transportation To Replace Highway Mile Markers With Dead Raccoons

issue 4444 | 10.07.07 | Radio
Russia Acquires Amway Distributorship

issue 4444 | 10.07.07 | Radio
Ruthless Dictator Going Through Mid-Strife Crisis

issue 4444 | 10.07.07 | Radio
Nation's Educators Alarmed By Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes

issue 4444 | 10.07.07 | Radio
Spain Vows Eternal Vigilance In War On Bulls

issue 4444 | 10.07.07 | Radio
Educational Puppet Pelted With Crayons

issue 4444 | 10.07.07 | Radio
Goodyear Unveils New Circular Tires

issue 4444 | 10.07.07 | Radio
Rich First-Grader Buys Whole Sheet Of Gold Stars

issue 4444 | 10.07.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - October 27, 2008

issue 4444 | 10.27.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Fleet Of Stem-Cell Container Trucks Ready To Go If Obama Elected

issue 4444 | 10.29.08 | News In Photos
McCain Tucks Extra Neck Skin Into Collar

issue 4444 | 10.28.08 | News In Photos
What In The Heck's A Barack Obama?

issue 4444 | 10.29.08 | Commentary

Just the other day, I was watching the TV, and I'll be damned if everyone didn't start talking 'bout this new thing called a "Barack Obama."... more»
A Vote For My Husband Is A Vote For Me Not Breaking Your Fucking Neck

issue 4444 | 10.29.08 | Commentary

Normally, I don't get out front and center like this in the media, preferring instead to support my husband from the sidelines and let the... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4444 | 10.28.08 | Horoscopes
Wachovia's Record Losses

issue 4444 | 10.29.08 | Infographic

Last week, Wachovia posted a quarterly loss of $23.9 billion, the largest ever for a bank. Where did it lose the money? more»
What Are We Handing Out For Halloween?

issue 4444 | 10.29.08 | Statshot
Barbara Bush Runs Aground Off Coast Of Maine

issue 4444 | 11.01.08 | Video

Rescue crews have been working day and night to free the former first lady, who has been unable to extricate herself from the sand. more»
In The Know: Has Halloween Become Overcommercialized?

issue 4444 | 10.28.08 | Video

Panelists discuss whether Halloween candy and costumes have distracted us from placating demons to ensure a bountiful harvest. more»
Obama Undertakes Presidential Internship To Ease Concerns About His Lack Of Experience

issue 4444 | 10.27.08 | Video

Obama's duties in the Spanish government will include collating documents, negotiating treaties, and presiding over national days of mourning. more»
10 Tips For Beautiful Hair The Government Doesn't Want You To Know

issue 4444 | 10.31.08 | Sunday Magazine
Greg Oden Signs On For Six-Week Run In Broadway's 'Young Frankenstein'

issue 4444 | 10.30.08 | Photo Finish
Plane Also Decides To Go Skydiving

issue 4444 | 10.27.08 | Newswire
Procrastinating Egg Farmer Packs Carton With Dozen Baby Chicks

issue 4444 | 10.27.08 | Newswire
Landlord Explains Difference Between Bad Roaches, Kind You Have

issue 4444 | 10.27.08 | Newswire
One-Woman Show Makes Audience Hate All Women

issue 4444 | 10.27.08 | Newswire