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November 8, 2008 - November 14, 2008 | Issue 44•45

Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift

CINCINNATI—According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Labor, skyrocketing consumer prices coupled with stagnant wages have forced many Americans to work a fourth shift in...

Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy

issue 4445 | 11.08.08 | News

MENA, AR—Envisioning his parents, a warm blanket, and hot chocolate, a delirious Joshua Meyers mumbled, "It's over!" through the filthy sock... more»
Peregrine Falcon Acting Pretty Cocky Since Being Taken Off Endangered Species List

issue 4445 | 11.07.08 | News

WASHINGTON—"We feared we'd never see these majestic creatures again, but since their resurgence they've been acting like 'king shit'," said... more»
Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress

issue 4445 | 11.05.08 | News

WASHINGTON—President-elect Barack Obama did very well among women and young voters, who were most sensitive to the current climate of... more»
KLEMKE WINS!

issue 4445 | 11.04.08 | News

WICHITA, KS—Democrat Alan Klemke Becomes Wichita's 4th District Alderman. more»
Bush: 'Can I Stop Being President Now?'

issue 4445 | 11.04.08 | News

WASHINGTON—In a press conference held this morning on the White House lawn, President Bush formally asked the assembled press corps and... more»
Circular Editor Makes Last-Minute Call To Run Fabric Softener As Top Coupon

issue 4445 | 11.07.08 | News In Brief

MONTVALE. NJ—In a crucial, 11th-hour decision for one of the tristate area's largest weekly bargain supplements, Pathmark circular editor... more»
McCain Gets Hammered At Local VFW

issue 4445 | 11.05.08 | News In Brief

PHOENIX—After conceding defeat in the 2008 presidential election, former Republican candidate John McCain reportedly got completely... more»
Hillary Clinton Resumes Attacking Obama

issue 4445 | 11.05.08 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Less than 20 minutes after Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of the United States, New York senator Hillary Clinton... more»
Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job

issue 4445 | 11.05.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected... more»
Republican Party, Average Working Joe Bid One Another Adieu Until 2012

issue 4445 | 11.04.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—As the 2008 presidential campaign came to a close Tuesday, the Republican Party and the average American hard working Joe... more»
Magical Voting Booth Transforms Clearheaded Americans Into Reactionist Morons

issue 4445 | 11.04.08 | News In Brief

DENVER—A voting booth stationed at the fifth district municipal center in Denver possesses the otherworldly power to transform... more»
McCain Refusing To Tell Voters What's In Box Unless Elected

issue 4445 | 11.03.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON–With just one day before voters head to the polls, presidential candidate John McCain told the American people Monday that,... more»
Bush Asks Advice For This Friend Of His Who Invaded Iraq

issue 4445 | 11.03.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush has reportedly been soliciting advice from White House aides for a friend of his who ordered... more»
Kobe Bryant Scores 25 In Holy Shit We Elected A Black President

issue 4445 | 11.06.08 | Sports News

LOS ANGELES—Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant had a typically solid performance from the field last night, scoring 25 points to propel his... more»
'Jurassic Park' Author Dies

issue 4445 | 11.07.08 | American Voices

Michael Crichton, author of Jurassic Park, Congo, and The Andromeda Strain, died Tuesday at 66. What do you think? more»
Study: Autism Linked To Rainfall

issue 4445 | 11.06.08 | American Voices

A study from Cornell University has found a correlation between higher levels of precipitation and incidences of autism. What do you think? more»
Auto Sales Hit 25-Year Low

issue 4445 | 11.05.08 | American Voices

In the face of a weakening economy, U.S. auto sales fell to their lowest level since 1983. What do you think? more»
Long Lines Anticipated At Polls

issue 4445 | 11.04.08 | American Voices

Despite early voting, some are expecting a record turnout and long lines at polling places Tuesday. What do you think? more»
Jackson 5 To Reunite

issue 4445 | 11.03.08 | American Voices

Jermaine Jackson announced that the Jackson 5 is reuniting for a tour in 2009. What do you think? more»
Area Man Traces Bad Eating Habits Back 6 Generations

issue 4445 | 11.10.08 | Radio
Romantic Hostage Negotiator Offers Bank Robbers Moon And Stars

issue 4445 | 11.09.08 | Radio
God Returns From 2-Millennium-Long Vacation

issue 4445 | 11.08.08 | Radio
Dead Whale Buried In Aquarium's Backyard

issue 4445 | 11.07.08 | Radio
Laser Light Show Panned By Laserati

issue 4445 | 11.06.08 | Radio
Bag Of Chips Explodes On Its Own

issue 4445 | 11.05.08 | Radio
Millions Of Voters Refuse To Exit Polls

issue 4445 | 11.04.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - November 3, 2008

issue 4445 | 11.03.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Big Ben Set 15 Minutes Ahead To Give London A Little Extra Time In The Morning

issue 4445 | 11.05.08 | News In Photos
Old Little League Trophy Stared At

issue 4445 | 11.04.08 | News In Photos
As An Older World's Strongest Man, There Are Certain Trucks I Can't Pull Anymore

issue 4445 | 11.06.08 | Commentary

Aging is tough. The hardest part for me has been coming to grips with the fact that some of the physical abilities I took for granted when I... more»
Who's Gonna Hallo-wean My Kids Off All This Candy?

issue 4445 | 11.06.08 | Columnists

I've got a little joke for you, loyal readers. Now, I know what you're all thinking: "A joke in your column, Roger? Why, it's going to be... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4445 | 11.04.08 | Horoscopes
OS X Snow Leopard vs. Windows 7

issue 4445 | 11.05.08 | Infographic

Microsoft announced it will be releasing a new edition of its operating software, called Windows 7, while Apple is working on its new OS X Snow... more»
What Are We Canning?

issue 4445 | 11.05.08 | Statshot
Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

issue 4445 | 11.05.08 | Video

The revelation that Obama's candidacy was the only thing that gave their lives any meaning has caused many supporters to wander aimlessly. more»
Voting Machines Elect One Of Their Own As President

issue 4445 | 11.04.08 | Video

Voting machine DRE700 came out of nowhere to defeat Barack Obama and John McCain and become the first machine president. more»
Politics 2008 In Review

issue 4445 | 12.17.08 | Slideshow
The Animal Kingdom

issue 4445 | 11.10.08 | Slideshow
This Man Will Stop At Nothing To Teach You Guitar

issue 4445 | 11.07.08 | Sunday Magazine
Leather-Jacketed, Sunglasses-Wearing Rex Grossman: "There's A New Rex In Town"

issue 4445 | 11.06.08 | Photo Finish
Guy With Huge Head Not Even Smart

issue 4445 | 11.05.08 | Newswire
Only In New York,' Says Man Being Mugged By Stanley Tucci At Top Of Empire State Building

issue 4445 | 11.05.08 | Newswire
Photos Used In Retirement Party Slide Show Mostly Taken During Last Two Weeks

issue 4445 | 11.05.08 | Newswire
Buddy Vouched For

issue 4445 | 11.05.08 | Newswire