Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 15, 2008 - November 21, 2008 | Issue 44•46

Majority Of Americans Never Use Physical Education After High School

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Kevin Higgins always hated gym class. Like many of his classmates, he questioned the relevance of things like "exercise" and "physical fitness," and wondered if...

Blistex Executive Makes Fool Of Himself At Lip-Balm Conference

issue 4446 | 11.15.08 | News

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Marketing executive Bernard Ganley first humiliated himself Monday morning when he suggested that applicator tips were a thing... more»
Donald Fagen Defends Steely Dan To Friends

issue 4446 | 11.14.08 | News

NEW YORK—"Do you know how many guitar players tried and failed to nail the solo on the song 'Peg'? Six—That's commitment to a vision if... more»
International Con Man Barack Obama Leaves U.S. With $85 Million In Campaign Fundraising

issue 4446 | 11.11.08 | News

CHICAGO—"If you are reading this," said Obama's farewell note. "Then I have already left your silly country with a woman you have come to know... more»
Supreme Court Upholds Bill Of Rights In 5-4 Decision

issue 4446 | 11.14.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court narrowly ruled to uphold the Bill of Rights, the very tenets upon... more»
Catchphrase From 'The Love Guru' Overheard

issue 4446 | 11.13.08 | News In Brief

ST. CLOUD, MN—A catchphrase from The Love Guru, comedian Mike Myers' latest film, which follows the exploits of a self-help... more»
Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase

issue 4446 | 11.12.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush sustained 24 broken bones, massive internal hemorrhaging, and a severe concussion Monday after... more»
Guy You Canvassed With Knows This Great Little Italian Canvassing Place

issue 4446 | 11.11.08 | News In Brief

PHILADELPHIA—After 18 long months of nonstop canvassing, it would be nice, now that the election is over, to take a break from it all, and... more»
Coworker Has That Excuse That's Going Around

issue 4446 | 11.11.08 | News In Brief

ANN ARBOR, MI—Digital Copy Shoppe employee Don Newson, 38, called in to work on Wednesday complaining that he was certain he had come... more»
New Texas Legislation Would Require Whiskey Bottles To Be Shot Out Of Air Immediately After Being Emptied

issue 4446 | 11.10.08 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—A new piece of legislation proposed yesterday on the floor of the Texas Legislature would require that all whiskey bottles... more»
Cavaliers Declared NBA Champions As Basketball Knocks Off Early

issue 4446 | 11.13.08 | Sports News

NEW YORK—A happy, triumphant, and visibly relieved LeBron James accepted the 2009 NBA Championship trophy from commissioner David Stern at a... more»
Potential Employers Check Social Networking Sites

issue 4446 | 11.14.08 | American Voices

A recent survey found that one in five employers checked out job applicants on networking sites like Facebook before hiring them. What do... more»
One In 4 Mammals In Jeopardy

issue 4446 | 11.13.08 | American Voices

A new study shows that almost 25 percent of mammal species are in danger of going extinct. What do you think? more»
Study: Bullies Enjoy Pain Of Others

issue 4446 | 11.12.08 | American Voices

Brain scans showed activity in the pleasure centers of aggressive teens who were exposed to images of one person hurting another. What do... more»
Emanuel Calls For Auto Industry Bailout

issue 4446 | 11.11.08 | American Voices

Rahm Emanuel, the chief of staff for the president-elect, is calling for a more rapid response to help the struggling auto industry. What do... more»
Spitzer Not Charged

issue 4446 | 11.10.08 | American Voices

Disgraced former New York governor Eliot Spitzer will not be charged for his role in a recent prostitution scandal that brought down his... more»
Intern Sent To Testify Before Congress For The Experience

issue 4446 | 11.17.08 | Radio
Area Man Goaded Into Climbing Mt. Everest

issue 4446 | 11.16.08 | Radio
New Robot Salesman Practically Sells Itself

issue 4446 | 11.15.08 | Radio
You Now President Of Argentina

issue 4446 | 11.14.08 | Radio
Nebraska Lawmakers Ban Sex In Grain Elevators

issue 4446 | 11.13.08 | Radio
Warren Buffett Finds $30 Million In Change In Couch

issue 4446 | 11.12.08 | Radio
Obama Vows To Wipe Out Llamas

issue 4446 | 11.11.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - November 10, 2008

issue 4446 | 11.10.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Offbeat Squirrel In Park Garnering Cult Following

issue 4446 | 11.12.08 | News In Photos
Hot Girl’s Number Lingered On

issue 4446 | 11.11.08 | News In Photos
I Bet My 40s Are Totally Going To Rock

issue 4446 | 11.12.08 | Commentary

You know what I'm really excited about? Turning 40! The Big Four-Oh. I've got one hell of a landmark birthday coming up, and I'm pumped! I... more»
I Meant To Vote, But You Know How It Goes

issue 4446 | 11.12.08 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. How's it going with you? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya. I been trying get through a jungle of bullshit, but... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4446 | 11.11.08 | Horoscopes
California Passes Anti-Gay Marriage Legislation

issue 4446 | 11.12.08 | Infographic

Proposition 8, the California measure that bans same-sex marriage, passed by a 52 percent to 48 percent margin. What reasons did people give... more»
What Are We Forgetting?

issue 4446 | 11.12.08 | Statshot
In The Know: Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole?

issue 4446 | 11.11.08 | Video

With the economy sliding deeper into a recession, panelists discuss whether it's time to stop throwing our money into a massive pit out in the desert. more»
YouTube Contest Challenges Users To Make A 'Good' Video

issue 4446 | 11.10.08 | Video

YouTube is offering a cash prize to the first user to upload a video with a shred of originality or artistic merit. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4446 | 11.15.08 | Slideshow
Are Tissue Box Designs Too Ostentatious For America's Bedside Tables?

issue 4446 | 11.14.08 | Sunday Magazine
Defensive Back Still Down On Ground After Missed Interception

issue 4446 | 11.13.08 | Photo Finish
Kid Skating Counterclockwise, Backwards In Charge Of Rink Safety

issue 4446 | 11.10.08 | Newswire
Area Woman Hates Self For Hating Fat Woman For Ordering Cake

issue 4446 | 11.10.08 | Newswire
Recovering Sex Addict Can't Even Be In Same Room As Orgasm

issue 4446 | 11.10.08 | Newswire
Man Who Sees The Good In All People Universally Despised

issue 4446 | 11.10.08 | Newswire