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November 22, 2008 - November 28, 2008 | Issue 44•47

Fraternity In Danger Of Losing House Launches Harebrained Scheme To Fix Economy

DURHAM, NC—When the residents of Sigma Alpha Theta house learned last week that the 80-year-old building they call home was under threat of foreclosure, they decided to take matters into their...

God Help Him, But Area Man Loves That Crazy Bitch

issue 4447 | 11.22.08 | News

RENO, NV—"Maybe it's the way she wrote 'limp dick' on my work shirts, or that she cries every time I eat veal, but that fucking lunatic is the... more»
New Pain-Inducing Advil Created For People Who Just Want To Feel Something, Anything

issue 4447 | 11.21.08 | News

PHILADELPHIA—Taken three times daily with a quart of gin, Advil Release can alleviate the worst symptoms of life's deadening futility and cold,... more»
Thousands Gather For Stuffing Of Giant Rockefeller Center Turkey

issue 4447 | 11.18.08 | News

NEW YORK—"Lines were long but I wanted my son to be there when they peeled back the skin and threw salted butter and grease into the crowd,"... more»
Flea Market Vendor Could Possibly Let Unidentifiable Lump Go For $15

issue 4447 | 11.21.08 | News In Brief

BOISE, ID—Though he claims it to be worth at least twice as much, flea market vendor Roger Jenkins is willing to let an... more»
Teenage Katrina Survivor Wins Yet Another Essay Contest

issue 4447 | 11.20.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—At an awards ceremony held yesterday for the 2008 Profiles in Courage Essay Contest, 17-year-old Hurricane Katrina survivor... more»
Crocodile Bites Off Bush's Arm

issue 4447 | 11.19.08 | News In Brief

HOMESTEAD, FL—A 14-foot crocodile bit off President Bush's left arm at the shoulder Monday, a White House memo reported. Bush, who was... more»
History Doomed To Repeat Itself, Reports Man Who Just Dropped Food On Pants

issue 4447 | 11.18.08 | News In Brief

DENVER—After dropping a chili dog in his lap Tuesday, area resident Marcus Nielson addressed the food-related blunder, calling it but... more»
Co-Op Casino Robbed Again

issue 4447 | 11.17.08 | News In Brief

ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth... more»
Jimmie Johnson's Car Put Out To Stud

issue 4447 | 11.20.08 | Sports News

CHARLOTTE, NC—Hendrick Motorsports confirmed what many NASCAR fans had suspected all season, announcing Wednesday that Jimmie Johnson's... more»
Jobless Claims At 16-Year High

issue 4447 | 11.24.08 | American Voices

The number of new applicants for unemployment benefits jumped to 542,000, the highest since 1992. What do you think? more»
Consumer Prices Fall Record Amount

issue 4447 | 11.21.08 | American Voices

The Consumer Price Index fell a record 1 percent in October, the steepest one month decline in its history. What do you think? more»
Dems Leave Lieberman Unpunished

issue 4447 | 11.20.08 | American Voices

Despite his support of Sen. John McCain's presidential bid, the Democratic Caucus voted to let Sen. Joe Lieberman keep his position chairing the... more»
Mark Cuban Sued For Insider Trading

issue 4447 | 11.19.08 | American Voices

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is being sued by the Securities and Exchange Commission for selling his interest in Mamma.com after receiving... more»
Missing Beatles Track Confirmed

issue 4447 | 11.18.08 | American Voices

In an interview with the BBC, Paul McCartney confirmed the existence of a 14-minute track the Beatles recorded for an electronic music festival.... more»
Suicide Rate Jumps In White Middle-Aged Population

issue 4447 | 11.17.08 | American Voices

Between 1999 and 2005, the number of suicides among white middle-aged Americans increased 17 percent. What do you think? more»
Oncologist Keeps Variety Of Citrus Fruits To Use As Visual Aids

issue 4447 | 11.24.08 | Radio
Ghost Of Ted Knight Signs On As New Voice Of God

issue 4447 | 11.23.08 | Radio
Veteran Who Stormed Beach At Normandy Still Getting Laid Because Of It

issue 4447 | 11.22.08 | Radio
Phil's Party Reminds Area Man Why He Doesn't Go To Phil's Parties

issue 4447 | 11.21.08 | Radio
Fit Of Anger Turns Dairy Farmer Into Beef Farmer

issue 4447 | 11.20.08 | Radio
Area Father Proves Tree Fort Is Not As Strong As Son Claims

issue 4447 | 11.19.08 | Radio
Bioengineers Outsmarted By Strain Of Intelligent Wheat

issue 4447 | 11.18.08 | Radio
Film To Be Made Into John Grisham

issue 4447 | 11.17.07 | Radio
Last Remaining Novelist Dies In Captivity

issue 4447 | 10.17.07 | Radio
Onion Radio News Announces Annual Poetry Contest Winner

issue 4447 | 07.17.07 | Radio
9 Drawn And Quartered At Renaissance Fair

issue 4447 | 12.17.06 | Radio
Brass Section Sucking Up To Conductor Again

issue 4447 | 12.11.06 | Radio
4 Generations Of Americans Demand Sitcom Reparations

issue 4447 | 10.17.06 | Radio
International Petty Art Thief Steals Hotel-Room Painting

issue 4447 | 08.17.06 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - November 17, 2008

issue 4447 | 11.17.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Bags Under Tommy Lee Jones' Eyes Causing Him Neck Problems

issue 4447 | 11.18.08 | News In Photos
I'm Not One Of Those 'Love Thy Neighbor' Christians

issue 4447 | 11.19.08 | Commentary

Everybody has this image of "crazy Christians" based on what they hear in the media, but it's just not true. Most Christians are normal,... more»
If Only Someone Had Written A Song Describing The Bittersweet, Cyclical Nature Of The Father-Son Relationship

issue 4447 | 11.19.08 | Commentary

Over the years, music has covered a wide range of human emotions. But one aspect of the human condition that has never been evoked by a... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4447 | 11.18.08 | Horoscopes
Holiday Blockbuster Season Approaches

issue 4447 | 11.19.08 | Infographic

This month, Hollywood begins launching its holiday blockbusters. Here are some of the movies on the release schedule: more»
Top Thanksgiving Turkey Substitutes

issue 4447 | 11.19.08 | Statshot
China’s Andy Rooney Has Some Funny Opinions About How Great The Chinese Government Is

issue 4447 | 11.18.08 | Video

The curmudgeonly Poyuan Wei thinks the only thing wrong with the Chinese Government is that they are not tough enough on dissidents. more»
Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman

issue 4447 | 11.17.08 | Video

At a press conference today, the AGU announced it will not even acknowledge Mike Greenman until he begins dressing better and loses some weight. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4447 | 11.22.08 | Slideshow
Blue Angels' Online Application

issue 4447 | 11.05.08 | Slideshow
Why Should This Man Shower Now When He's Just Going To Get All Sweaty Again?

issue 4447 | 11.21.08 | Sunday Magazine
Carmelo Anthony Airballs Slam-Dunk

issue 4447 | 11.20.08 | Photo Finish
Weather Not Deemed Too Shitty For Delivery Guy

issue 4447 | 11.18.08 | Newswire
Prostate A Hideous Burlesque Of Former Self

issue 4447 | 11.18.08 | Newswire
Sweater-Vest Worn As Well As Could Be Expected

issue 4447 | 11.18.08 | Newswire
Emotional Goodbye Ruined By 4-Hour Train Delay

issue 4447 | 11.18.08 | Newswire