Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 29, 2008 - December 5, 2008 | Issue 44•48

26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving

NEW YORK—For the fifth straight year, Jordan McCabe will return home for the holidays and spend the night before Thanksgiving running into every smug and unlikable asshole he...

Area Man Holding Out Until Next Exit For Better Fast Food Options

issue 4448 | 11.29.08 | News

ERIE, PA—"I think I want Wendy's," Don Turnbee told reporters. "There hasn't been a Wendy's in a while so there will probably be one in a... more»
Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think

issue 4448 | 11.28.08 | News

CHICAGO—Subjects who drank five glasses or more showed an increased ability to recall each time their mothers had been unsupportive of... more»
Blue Angels Hold First-Ever Open Tryouts

issue 4448 | 11.25.08 | News

PENSACOLA, FL—With would-be pilots lining up by the thousands and crowds predicted to grow larger everyday, the excitement and death toll are... more»
Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone

issue 4448 | 11.28.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—President Bush collapsed in the Oval Office after spontaneously expelling a 3-pound kidney stone from his bladder, sources... more»
Man With Apple Hovering In Front Of Face Sues René Magritte's Estate

issue 4448 | 11.27.08 | News In Brief

TACOMA, WA—Michael Renfro, a 68-year-old retired CPA with an apple hovering in front of his face, announced Monday that he has filed a... more»
Area Man Shocked To See His Elementary School Has A Website

issue 4448 | 11.26.08 | News In Brief

LAREDO, TX—After using an Internet search engine in an attempt to find information on a former classmate, local resident Matthew Orman,... more»
GM Covered With Giant Tarp Until It Has Money To Work On Cars Again

issue 4448 | 11.25.08 | News In Brief

DETROIT—The General Motors Corporation announced Monday that it has covered its main production plant with a 500,000-square-foot blue... more»
Woman Profoundly Moved By Lyrics Artist Put Zero Time Or Effort Into

issue 4448 | 11.24.08 | News In Brief

FALLS CHURCH, VA—Real estate agent Linda Vandermood was moved to the depths of her being Tuesday by the lyrics of James Blunt's adult... more»
That One Kid In Rec Basketball League Always Wearing Jeans During Games

issue 4448 | 11.27.08 | Sports News

CARMICHAELS, PA—Sources confirmed yesterday that the kid in the Carmichaels YMCA youth basketball league, the one who plays for the team in... more»
New Genetic Links To Baldness Found

issue 4448 | 11.28.08 | American Voices

A new report in the journal Nature Genetics points to genetic markers for baldness that could be screened for. What do you think? more»
Americans Thankful This Thanksgiving

issue 4448 | 11.27.08 | American Voices

What are you thankful for this year? more»
Colmes Leaves 'Hannity & Colmes'

issue 4448 | 11.26.08 | American Voices

Alan Colmes, the longtime liberal cohost of the Fox News program Hannity &#amp; Colmes, will leave at the end of the year. What do... more»
Sword-Wielding Man Shot At Scientology Building

issue 4448 | 11.25.08 | American Voices

A security guard shot and killed a man who approached the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood waving two samurai swords. What do you... more»
Technical Preschool Teaches Welding To Kids

issue 4448 | 12.01.08 | Radio
Highest Blender Setting Successfully Drowns Out Jamba Juice Employee

issue 4448 | 11.30.08 | Radio
Childless Couple Seriously Thinking About Abducting

issue 4448 | 11.29.08 | Radio
Wal-Mart's Prices Undercut By Wal-Mart Dumpster

issue 4448 | 11.28.08 | Radio
Area Man Sneaks Own Balloon Into Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

issue 4448 | 11.27.08 | Radio
Vice President Cheney Burns Down White House Aviary

issue 4448 | 11.26.08 | Radio
American Bar Association Recalls 230,000 Defective Lawyers

issue 4448 | 11.25.08 | Radio
DEA Accepts Record $280 Million Drug Bribe

issue 4448 | 05.24.07 | Radio
FBI Discontinues Witness-Protection Parade

issue 4448 | 04.24.07 | Radio
Neighbors Remember Serial Killer As Serial Killer

issue 4448 | 02.24.07 | Radio
Congress Lowers Killing Age To 19

issue 4448 | 12.24.06 | Radio
Inner-City Stabbing Leaves Five Maidless

issue 4448 | 07.23.06 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - November 24, 2008

issue 4448 | 11.24.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Unemployed Man Photoshops Self Into Former Company’s Staff Photo

issue 4448 | 11.26.08 | News In Photos
Gordon Ramsay Berates Spoon For 45 Minutes

issue 4448 | 11.25.08 | News In Photos
Well, That Sunset Sucked

issue 4448 | 11.26.08 | Commentary

For our 10th anniversary, I wanted to pull off a grand romantic gesture that would remind my wife that she's more than my friend—she's... more»
Ask A Guy Who Knows A Little Bit About Dealing With These Lawyer Types

issue 4448 | 11.26.08 | Advice

Dear Guy Who Knows A Little Bit About Dealing With These Lawyer Types, Christmas is coming up, and once again, I'm at a... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4448 | 11.25.08 | Horoscopes
Auto Industry Crisis

issue 4448 | 11.26.08 | Infographic

The big three American automobile manufacturers spent much of last week lobbying Congress for a portion of the economic bailout, lest they... more»
Least-Cited Supreme Court Cases

issue 4448 | 11.26.08 | Statshot
USDA Official Takes Courageous Stand Against Interstate Countercyclical Potato Pricing

issue 4448 | 11.27.08 | Video

A deputy assistant at the Department of Agriculture speaks truth to power, condemning proposed changes in Idaho's potato output pricing structure. more»
In Thanksgiving Tradition, Bush Pardons Scooter Libby In Giant Turkey Costume

issue 4448 | 11.24.08 | Video

The pardon assures that Libby will not face any more repercussions for his role in the Valerie Plame scandal or be eaten on Thanksgiving. more»
Would Anyone Notice If We Started Endorsing Eugenics?

issue 4448 | 11.28.08 | Sunday Magazine
NHL Player Tunnels Out Of Penalty Box

issue 4448 | 11.27.08 | Photo Finish
Paint Store Practically Giving Away Blue

issue 4448 | 11.24.08 | Newswire
All Kidding Aside, Area Man Really Needs Counseling

issue 4448 | 11.24.08 | Newswire
Ghost Of Thanksgiving Future Shows Man Passed Out On Couch

issue 4448 | 11.24.08 | Newswire
Pervert Thinks You Seem Tense

issue 4448 | 11.24.08 | Newswire