Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 6, 2008 - December 12, 2008 | Issue 44•49

American Airlines Now Charging Fees To Non-Passengers

FORT WORTH, TX—Cash-strapped American Airlines announced a new series of fees this week that will apply to all customers not currently flying, scheduled to fly, or even thinking...

Area Woman Wouldn't Mind Feeding Your Cats

issue 4449 | 12.06.08 | News

HARTFORD, CT—"It's really no hassle," Sarah Dobbs, 44, said. "If you're gone and need someone to drop in on them, I'd be happy to do it. I'm... more»
Shitload Of Math Due Monday

issue 4449 | 12.05.08 | News

OLD BRIDGE, NJ—Students dreaded spending all day Sunday with some retarded math book, especially one that doesn't have any of the freaking... more»
Long-Standing Conflict Ends As Israel Returns Lawn Mower To Palestine

issue 4449 | 12.03.08 | News

JERUSALEM—"Sure it belches smoke and has no grass-clipping bag but that's not the point—if you borrow something you return it," said... more»
Moving To New City To Solve All Of Area Man's Problems

issue 4449 | 12.05.08 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—All of area resident Brian Shepard's problems, including his fear of commitment, lack of personal direction, and inability to... more»
Bill Clinton Agrees To Disclose Guacamole Recipe

issue 4449 | 12.04.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In a major stride toward increased transparency of former presidents' culinary activities, Bill Clinton agreed Monday to... more»
Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks

issue 4449 | 12.04.08 | News In Brief

KANSAS CITY, MO—President Bush sustained serious head injuries, massive internal bleeding, and a broken left leg Monday morning after... more»
Twenty Minutes Spent Making Tuna Fish Palatable

issue 4449 | 12.03.08 | News In Brief

PERRY, NY—Local resident Gary Ingram, 28, spent more than a quarter of an hour transforming a wet, grayish pile of canned tuna fish... more»
U.S. Economy Continues Campaigning For Barack Obama

issue 4449 | 12.02.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Nearly a month after Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of the United States, the nation's economy is still going... more»
T-Shirt Machine Gun To Change The Face Of Promotional Warfare

issue 4449 | 12.02.08 | News In Brief

LANGLEY, VA—Engineers at the Fun Gun Air Cannon Co. announced Tuesday that initial field tests of the TG-71 Rapid-Fire T-shirt... more»
Department-Store Santa Told To Push Chinaware

issue 4449 | 12.01.08 | News In Brief

UTICA, NY—Art Schultz, better known as the Senpike Mall's Santa Claus, carried out the management-issued directive to push fine china... more»
NFL Goes On Nationwide Crime Spree As Plaxico Burress Creates Diversion

issue 4449 | 12.04.08 | Sports News

NEW YORK—NFL players were quick to capitalize on the distraction Plaxico Burress created by shooting himself at a Manhattan nightclub last... more»
Trampled Wal-Mart Employee's Family Sues Company

issue 4449 | 12.05.08 | American Voices

The family of 34-year-old Jdimytai Damour is suing Wal-Mart for creating the unsafe atmosphere in which he was trampled to death by a crowd of... more»
Capitol Visitor Center Finally Opens

issue 4449 | 12.04.08 | American Voices

Three years late and nearly $360 million over budget, the Capitol Visitor Center is finally open in Washington, D.C. What do you think? more»
Recession Actually Started Last Year

issue 4449 | 12.03.08 | American Voices

The National Bureau of Economic Research announced that we are in an economic recession that began in December of last year. What do you... more»
Cancer Rate Declines For First Time

issue 4449 | 12.02.08 | American Voices

For the first time since statistics on the disease have been tracked, the cancer rate in the United States has declined. What do you think? more»
Junk E-Mail Falls By Two-Thirds

issue 4449 | 12.01.08 | American Voices

The amount of spam sent and received dropped last week to 60 billion messages a day—a decrease of 66 percent—after a Web hosting... more»
Local Man Buys Ford Focus Just To Use Dealer's Men's Room

issue 4449 | 12.08.08 | Radio
Faith-Based TV-Repair Shop Severely Backed Up

issue 4449 | 12.07.08 | Radio
White House Séance Fails To Contact Spirit Of Ronald Reagan

issue 4449 | 12.06.08 | Radio
Heroic Shark Eats Child-Molesting Surfer

issue 4449 | 12.05.08 | Radio
Grape-Flavored Vodka Makes Vodka-Time More Fun

issue 4449 | 12.04.08 | Radio
Department Of Justice Adds Mounted Prosecutors

issue 4449 | 12.03.08 | Radio
Jesus Returns To Give Consumers Christmas Pep Talk

issue 4449 | 12.02.08 | Radio
Supreme Court Overturns Car

issue 4449 | 06.02.08 | Radio
Supreme Court Rules Tennesseans Are Sentient Beings

issue 4449 | 12.02.07 | Radio
Supreme Court Gets Free Box Of Shoes After Mentioning Nike In Ruling

issue 4449 | 11.02.07 | Radio
Supreme Court Makes Pact To Lose Virginity By End Of Year

issue 4449 | 07.02.07 | Radio
Supreme Court To Break Up If Rehnquist Leaves

issue 4449 | 05.02.07 | Radio
Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules

issue 4449 | 11.02.06 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - December 1, 2008

issue 4449 | 12.01.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Dip Good

issue 4449 | 12.03.08 | News In Photos
Beloved Showbiz Legend And National Treasure Michael Douglas Actually None Of These Things

issue 4449 | 12.02.08 | News In Photos
Why Don't They Make A Second 'Godfather' Movie?

issue 4449 | 12.03.08 | Commentary

As a bona fide movie buff, it pains me to see the drivel that Hollywood churns out nowadays. Every week it's another lamebrained action flick... more»
I'm Really Gonna Miss Systematically Destroying This Place

issue 4449 | 12.01.08 | Commentary

Oh, America. Eight years went by so fast, didn't they? I feel like I hardly got to know you and methodically undermine everything you once... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4449 | 12.02.08 | Horoscopes
Carbon Footprint Reduction Services

issue 4449 | 12.03.08 | Infographic

There are numerous services that allow you to pay into a fund offset your carbon footprint. But how does it actually work? more»
Why Were We Escorted From The Premises?

issue 4449 | 12.03.08 | Statshot
NASA Simulator Prepares Astronauts For Rigors Of An Interview With Larry King

issue 4449 | 12.01.08 | Video

NASA instructors offer a firsthand look at the training astronauts endure before they can withstand an appearance on Larry King Live. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4449 | 12.01.08 | Slideshow
Things For Your Sister That Look Like They Might Cost $75 But Are Actually Promotional Items For OpeningCredit Cards

issue 4449 | 12.05.08 | Sunday Magazine
Pope Puts On Rally Mitre

issue 4449 | 12.04.08 | Photo Finish
Habit Kicked, Begged For Forgiveness, Drawn Closer

issue 4449 | 12.01.08 | Newswire
Car Windows Rolled Down To Let Out Shitty Music

issue 4449 | 12.01.08 | Newswire
Wedding Objected To From Exactly 100 Feet Away From Bride

issue 4449 | 12.01.08 | Newswire
Father Discovers Yahtzee Dice He Thought He Asked Someone To Put Away

issue 4449 | 12.01.08 | Newswire