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December 13, 2008 - December 19, 2008 | Issue 44•50

Staten Island Historians Piece Together Genealogy Of Wu-Tang Clan

NEW YORK—In what many are calling the most comprehensive study of its kind, Staten Island historians Robert Wilburn and Charles Tinsley have successfully traced the lines of the infamous Wu-Tang...

Town Fails To Rally Around Adult Trapped In Well

issue 4450 | 12.13.08 | News

CATONSVILLE, MD—"What's a man that age doing near a well to begin with?" said Janice Peters, who spent the day not praying for the safety of... more»
Manager Achieves Full Mastery Of Pointless Managerial Jargon

issue 4450 | 12.12.08 | News

CHARLOTTE, NC—Coworkers knew James Atkins had become a virtuoso of business jargon when he asked the group to participate in a "targeted... more»
Supreme Court Overturns Bush v. Gore

issue 4450 | 12.09.08 | News

WASHINGTON—"Al Gore has prevailed—I hope he can see this nation through a catastrophic recession and an unending war in Iraq," said... more»
Bush Frustrated By Mother's Constant Questioning Of His Plans Post-White House

issue 4450 | 12.14.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—With his departure from office only months away, President George W. Bush told reporters Monday that he is "fed up" with the... more»
Cranberry Juice Industry Hoping 2009 A Big Year For Urinary Tract Infections

issue 4450 | 12.12.08 | News In Brief

LAKEVILLE, MA—The nation's leading cranberry juice producers announced Monday that they are banking on a record number of Americans... more»
McCain Stares At Screen, Attempts To Write Family Christmas Letter

issue 4450 | 12.11.08 | News In Brief

SEDONA, AZ—After procrastinating for several hours by watching It's A Wonderful Life and old John Wayne movies, former Republican... more»
Lie To Cover Surprise Party Sounds More Fun Than Surprise Party

issue 4450 | 12.11.08 | News In Brief

HOPATCONG, NJ—A lie told to 28-year-old Kyle Bida to cover up a surprise birthday party to be held in his honor later this evening sounds... more»
Either Someone 14th Caller Or Everything On Fire At Spanish Radio Station

issue 4450 | 12.10.08 | News In Brief

SAN JOSE, CA—According to sources, either a listener of local Spanish-language radio program Mañana Gigante con Luis y Moon... more»
Tennis Ball Brought On Trip

issue 4450 | 12.09.08 | News In Brief

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Jeremy McCormick, 14, confirmed Tuesday that he brought a tennis ball on his trip to Florida. "I figured I'd bring... more»
Bush's Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall

issue 4450 | 12.08.08 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush sustained a perforation injury to his right eyelid when a pneumatic nail gun malfunctioned and shot... more»
'Bard' Captivates Potter Fans

issue 4450 | 12.09.08 | American Voices

J.K. Rowling's first post–Harry Potter book, The Tales Of Beedle The Bard, has become another bestseller for the author. What do... more»
Acorns Missing In Northeast

issue 4450 | 12.08.08 | American Voices

In states from Virginia to Maine, oak trees have failed to produce the usual abundance of acorns. What do you think? more»
New Hubble Peephole Can See Into Women's Showers

issue 4450 | 12.14.08 | Radio
Attempted Murderer Gave It His Best Shot

issue 4450 | 12.13.08 | Radio
Saudi Arabia Extends Equal Rights To Bearded Ladies

issue 4450 | 12.12.08 | Radio
Visiting Priest Shows Family How Grace Is Done

issue 4450 | 12.11.08 | Radio
Gingerbread Man Assassination Triggers All-Out Baking War

issue 4450 | 12.09.08 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - December 8, 2008

issue 4450 | 12.08.08 | Editorial Cartoon
Nobody Touching Punch At CIA Christmas Party

issue 4450 | 12.09.08 | News In Photos
At This Point In The Plan, The Mice Will Be Very Surprised

issue 4450 | 12.10.08 | Commentary

They will be surprised, that much is certain. Every precaution has been taken to ensure it. The mice, they will not see it... more»
It's Okay, I'm Attractive

issue 4450 | 12.10.08 | Commentary

No need to worry, I'm here now. I realize you may have had some concerns before as to whether I should be given my way, but please,... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4450 | 12.09.08 | Horoscopes
College Too Expensive?

issue 4450 | 12.10.08 | Infographic

The National Center for Public Policy and Higher Education issued a report last week warning that college costs are in danger of... more»
Most Popular Christmas TV Specials

issue 4450 | 12.10.08 | Statshot
President To Face Down Monster Attack, Own Demons In Action-Packed Schedule

issue 4450 | 12.09.08 | Video

The press secretary tells reporters that before the president can defeat the monster, he'll have to defeat his greatest enemy of all: his own doubts. more»
New Portable Sewing Machine Lets Sweatshop Employees Work On The Go

issue 4450 | 12.08.08 | Video

From our Bangladesh channel: The Smart Stitch is being hailed as a revolutionary garment factory that fits in the palm of your hand. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4450 | 12.08.08 | Slideshow
Cool Local Band Has Top-Hat-Wearing Cellist

issue 4450 | 12.08.08 | Newswire
Winter Storm Dumps 3 Hours Of Local Coverage On Area

issue 4450 | 12.08.08 | Newswire
Man Feeling Around In Candy Machine To Make Sure He Got All His Runts

issue 4450 | 12.08.08 | Newswire
Dogs Arranged On Bed In Shape Of Husband

issue 4450 | 12.08.08 | Newswire