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China Hosts Realistic-Looking Olympics

China Track

12.15.08 | BEIJING

Long after the closing ceremonies of last August's XXIX Olympiad, participants and spectators from around the world were still talking about the incredibly... more

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    • Letters to the Editor

      Dear The Onion,

      Enjoy OUTRAGEOUS autumn deals at The Smog Doctor! Take $10 off your State of California Smog Inspection during our SMOGTOBERFEST blowout! Remember: If you catch YOUR CAR smoking, then come see the Doctor!

      —The Smog Doctor, Santa Clarita, CA

      11.07.2009

    • From the Print Edition

      Sexualized Octogenarian Flapper Girl Still Earning Living For Someone

      Sexualized Octogenarian Flapper Girl Still Earning Living For Someone

      11.07.2009

    • Weddings

      Single

      Despite his director's wishes, this morning screenwriter John Scarpello, 31, was married to the use of the main character's car as a metaphor for life.

      11.07.2009

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      Harold Trudor, 84, finally fixed the doorbell, just in time for no one to ever ring it again.

      11.06.2009

    • TV Listings

      Hannah Montana

      DISNEY

      7:30 p.m. EST/6:30 p.m. CST

      When Miley Cyrus adopts the identity of a cockney chimney sweep, her multiple personality disorder finally begins to spiral out of control.

      11.06.2009

    • Weddings

      Catholic

      Max Meyer and Abigail Crenshaw are proud to announce they will be married in the beautiful church they could only reserve after a year of attending mass and pretending to be Catholic.

      11.05.2009

    • From the Print Edition

      Manu

      40,000 Revenge-Seeking Bats Descend Upon Manu Ginobili

      11.05.2009

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      Sheila Boyke, 47, spent two hours searching for the perfect gourd color combination before taking a cider break.

      11.04.2009

    • Sunday Magazine

      Inside The Mind Of A Perfectly Sane Person

      More Magazines

      11.04.2009

    • TV Listings

      The Pizza Hut Legal Drama

      CBS

      9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

      Don't bitch to us; you're the one who TiVo-ed past all the ads.

      11.04.2009

    • Letters to the Editor

      Dear The Onion,

      Thanks for keeping the whole DUI/stripper incident on the DL and off the front page. I owe you one.

      —J. Biden, Washington, D.C.

      11.04.2009

    • From the Print Edition

      Pigeon Trying To Act Nonchalant About Fresh Vomit On Sidewalk

      Pigeon Trying To Act Nonchalant About Fresh Vomit On Sidewalk

      11.03.2009

    • Weddings

      Blood

      Miriam Kutz and Rodger Juniper have the same weird blood type, so it sort of makes sense for them to get married.

      11.03.2009

    • Stockwatch

      JCPenney

      As the hour of the wolf approaches and the fallow land begets stillborn crops, the slaving caste finds comfort only in great deals on Arizona jeans.

      11.03.2009

    • National News Highlights

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      Jake Marino returned from the depths of the Orient bearing gifts: a baseball hat that says, "Japan," and a novelty necktie that says, "Japan."

      11.02.2009

    • TV Listings

      Trainwreck Academy

      VH1

      12 p.m. EST/11 a.m. CST

      Series premiere.Thirty-five contestants, ranging from rational to boring, must change their modest, reasonable ways to make the cast of the next VH1 reality show, or else face elimination.

      11.02.2009

    • From the Print Edition

      Biggest Mistake Of Life Dressed Up As Pumpkin

      Biggest Mistake Of Life Dressed Up As Pumpkin

      10.31.2009

    • National News Highlights

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      While taking down the "Vote Ed" signs from his lawn, defeated school-board-chairman candidate Ed Drabek couldn’t help but imagine that his victorious opponent Donald McCasky was probably living it up and sleeping with multiple beautiful women at that very moment.

      10.30.2009

    Issue Highlights

    • Ability To Drum 'Wipeout' On Tabletop Passed Down To Son

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    • 3-D Movie One-Dimensional

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