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China Hosts Realistic-Looking Olympics

China Track

12.15.08 | BEIJING

Long after the closing ceremonies of last August's XXIX Olympiad, participants and spectators from around the world were still talking about the incredibly... more

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    Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

    While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of a pancake menu.

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    • Sunday Magazine

      Digesting, Tasting, Excreting, Then Chewing: How One Man Is Trying To Chnage The Eating Paradigm

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      06.29.2009

    • Editorial Cartoon

      Food

      Editorial Cartoon
      June 29, 2009

      06.29.2009

    • Editorial Cartoon

      Happy Hour

      Editorial Cartoon
      June 22, 2009

      06.22.2009

    • Sunday Magazine

      "Workplaces," "Paychecks," And "Jobs," A Nostalgic Look Back At A Vanising Part Of The American Landscape

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      06.22.2009

    • Letters to the Editor

      Dear The Onion,

      I own CARLO'S PIZZERIA on the corner of HURON AND CONCORD AVE. Unfortunately, advertising in your paper is too expensive for a small-business owner like me. So there's no way for me to let people know that CARLO'S PIZZERIA, which is OPEN LATE, is offering FREE BREADSTICKS WITH ANY LARGE TWO-TOPPING PIZZA.

      —Carlo Paladino, Worcester, MA, 135-8275

      06.20.2009

    • National News Highlights

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      After dancing to "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" alone for an hour, Emily Axford finally stopped when she twisted her ankle.

      06.19.2009

    • Real Estate

      Your dream home!

      Dream

      Sometimes, dreams do come true. Not this time, though. Buy this mediocre home and then imagine you live somewhere much, much better. Back deck with light wood rot an ideal place to fantasize about a superior domicile. Reference #45234536

      06.19.2009

    • TV Listings

      The Bachelorette

      ABC

      8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT

      After viewing a production of Tony N' Tina's Wedding, the bachelorette, clad in a penis-shaped hat and a sash, gets drunk on oversized margaritas with 11 of her friends at a local Mexican place, then dances lewdly for hours in a nearby bar with no dance floor.

      06.19.2009

    • Sunday Magazine

      Our Annual Incongruous Words And Images Issue

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      06.18.2009

    • From the Print Edition

      Scottie Pippen Inexplicably Celebrating With Lakers

      Scottie Pippen Inexplicably Celebrating With Lakers

      06.18.2009

    • Real Estate

      Whatevs House

      Whatevs

      This house is pretty cool. It can get a little hot in the summertime, but no big deal. It's kinda roomy. Has a nice deck. The kitchen isn't the biggest in the world, but it works. Anyway. You can have it if you want. Or not. Either way. Reference #965RMM

      06.17.2009

    • TV Listings

      Live From The Artists Den

      WNET

      10 p.m. EDT/9 p.m. CDT

      Show John Mayer, show the drummer, cut to backup singers. Back to Mayer, there's the drummer again, and…backup singers.

      06.17.2009

    • National News Highlights

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      After being handed a balloon from the birthday party's clown, Jordan Pulido, 30, followed his natural instinct to lightly tap his baby on the head with it.

      06.17.2009

    • Letters to the Editor

      Dear The Onion,

      If you were trapped on a desert island, what CD would you bring? Someone just asked me that at dinner and I don't know what to say.

      —Adam Bozarth, Covington, LA

      06.17.2009

    • From the Print Edition

      Dye Pack Foils Art Thief

      Dye Pack Foils Art Thief

      06.16.2009

    • Stockwatch

      McDonald's

      The last-minute appearance of crescent moon spokesman Mac Tonight at McWorld Expo weakened investor confidence and bolstered speculation that Ronald McDonald was indeed enfeebled by pancreatic cancer.

      06.16.2009

    • TV Listings

      So You Think You Can Dance And Maintain A Well-Balanced Stock Portfolio

      FOX

      8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT

      Amateur investors attempt to cultivate an above-average earnings growth—and then they salsa!

      06.15.2009

    • Suspected Homosexuals

      Mggie

      Maggie Bowler, 23, has remained unmoved by the romantic prowess of three laborers on the West 47th Street construction site, though it has not been ruled out that she's just too stuck up to see what's good for her.

      06.14.2009

    Issue Highlights

    • Entire Coffee Cake Consumed Over Trash Can

    • Dinner, Theater Overdone

    • Deepest Sympathies Casseroled

    • Trail Of Bread Crumbs Leads To Shirtless 34-Year-Old

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