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China Hosts Realistic-Looking Olympics

China Track

12.15.08 | BEIJING

Long after the closing ceremonies of last August's XXIX Olympiad, participants and spectators from around the world were still talking about the incredibly... more

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    Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

    Virgo is often known for its stubborn and headstrong nature. Yes, it is. Yes, it fucking is.

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    • Letters to the Editor

      Dear The Onion,

      The Yankees won the World Series. So what? Go fuck yourself.

      —Todd Baines, Philadelphia, PA

      11.20.2009

    • Sunday Magazine

      Inside The Obama White House: Specifically The Air Conditioning Duct Near The West Wing

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      11.20.2009

    • National News Highlights

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      After a protracted turf war over the prime knitting table in the Citrus Heights Retirement Community rec room, a fragile détente was brokered between the Wheelies and the Walkers.

      11.20.2009

    • TV Listings

      Retired Guy Working At A Hardware Store

      HGTV

      8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST

      Donny tells some chump right where to get off when the idiot doesn't even have the sense to bring in the lid of the paint he wants another can of.

      11.20.2009

    • From the Print Edition

      Boomer Esiason

      Norman Esiason Finally Outgrows Childish Nickname

      11.19.2009

    • Letters to the Editor

      Dear The Onion,

      I am canceling my subscription to your paper because I am getting together with my friends this week and we will need something to talk about.

      —Wendy Pallow, Ann Arbor, MI

      11.18.2009

    • TV Listings

      Kathy Griffin: Same Old Shit

      BRAVO

      10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST

      The relentless comedienne once again takes on Paris Hilton, Dr. Phil, and Paula Abdul.

      11.18.2009

    • National News Highlights

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      Suzy Klessig shrugged and decided to stay married.

      11.18.2009

    • From the Print Edition

      Billboard Seems Oddly Proud Sting Will Be Playing At Foxwoods Casino

      Billboard Seems Oddly Proud Sting Will Be Playing At Foxwoods Casino

      11.17.2009

    • TV Listings

      Monsters Inside Me

      HEALTH

      10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

      A 10-year-old gets parasites from freaking grass, underscoring the fact that we should all be terrified and are probably already infected by and dying from parasites.

      11.17.2009

    • Stockwatch

      Yahoo!

      Internet users responded negatively when they learned the firm's "It's you" ad campaign was aimed directly at Marvin Holochwost, a second-year business major.

      11.17.2009

    • National News Highlights

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      The swirling crimson vortex of ones and zeroes above Google's corporate headquarters turned a bloodier shade of red after swallowing a fifth-grade math whiz visiting on a school field trip.

      11.16.2009

    • TV Listings

      It's Me Or The Dog

      ANIMAL

      10 a.m. EST/9 a.m. CST

      The owner of an out-of-control Doberman must make the difficult decision between solving her problems like a normal person or going on TV to have experts tell her that dogs need discipline.

      11.16.2009

    • Editorial Cartoon

      Xmas Decor

      Editorial Cartoon
      November 16, 2009

      11.16.2009

    • TV Listings

      Food vs. Man

      Travel

      8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST

      Nine pounds of Dallas rib eye takes a shot at fame by attempting to escape from Adam Richman.

      11.15.2009

    • Corrections

      Yesterday we incorrectly printed the date Thursday, Nov. 12, instead of Friday, Nov. 13. The Onion apologizes to those who thought they were getting a second chance.

      11.14.2009

    • From the Print Edition

      CNBC Cameraman Can’t Believe He’s Filming Another Blog Off A Computer Monitor

      CNBC Cameraman Can’t Believe He’s Filming Another Blog Off A Computer Monitor

      11.14.2009

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      Loretta Grimes, 51, urgently called her husband into the living room because that hilarious talking-baby commercial was back on.

      11.13.2009

    Issue Highlights

    • Senior Center Activities Coordinator Bets Those Hands Can Go Higher Than Those Heads

    • Police Officer Uses Ultraviolet Light To Track Down Clean Underwear

    • Guy With Own Pool Stick Taking Off His Leather Coat

    • Man Who Did Something Wrong Now Hates Cops

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