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China Hosts Realistic-Looking Olympics

China Track

12.15.08 | BEIJING

Long after the closing ceremonies of last August's XXIX Olympiad, participants and spectators from around the world were still talking about the incredibly... more

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    Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

    The otherworldly spirit of William Safire will visit you this evening and spend the next three hours correcting every grammatical mistake you've ever made.

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      In an attempt to rein in his alcoholism, Bryan Delong decided that from now on he will only have a drink if it's out of a fancy glass.

      11.09.2009

    • TV Listings

      Let's Make A Baby

      ABC

      9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

      Contestants conceive children.

      11.09.2009

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      Elder Whisperer

      CBS

      8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST

      Nina Jerome (Keri Russell) possesses the preternatural ability to pay attention to senior citizens and actually listen to what they have to say.

      11.08.2009

    • Letters to the Editor

      Dear The Onion,

      Enjoy OUTRAGEOUS autumn deals at The Smog Doctor! Take $10 off your State of California Smog Inspection during our SMOGTOBERFEST blowout! Remember: If you catch YOUR CAR smoking, then come see the Doctor!

      —The Smog Doctor, Santa Clarita, CA

      11.07.2009

    • From the Print Edition

      Sexualized Octogenarian Flapper Girl Still Earning Living For Someone

      Sexualized Octogenarian Flapper Girl Still Earning Living For Someone

      11.07.2009

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      Single

      Despite his director's wishes, this morning screenwriter John Scarpello, 31, was married to the use of the main character's car as a metaphor for life.

      11.07.2009

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      Harold Trudor, 84, finally fixed the doorbell, just in time for no one to ever ring it again.

      11.06.2009

    • TV Listings

      Hannah Montana

      DISNEY

      7:30 p.m. EST/6:30 p.m. CST

      When Miley Cyrus adopts the identity of a cockney chimney sweep, her multiple personality disorder finally begins to spiral out of control.

      11.06.2009

    • Weddings

      Catholic

      Max Meyer and Abigail Crenshaw are proud to announce they will be married in the beautiful church they could only reserve after a year of attending mass and pretending to be Catholic.

      11.05.2009

    • From the Print Edition

      40,000 Revenge-Seeking Bats Descend Upon Manu Ginobili

      40,000 Revenge-Seeking Bats Descend Upon Manu Ginobili

      11.05.2009

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      Sheila Boyke, 47, spent two hours searching for the perfect gourd color combination before taking a cider break.

      11.04.2009

    • Sunday Magazine

      Inside The Mind Of A Perfectly Sane Person

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      11.04.2009

    • TV Listings

      The Pizza Hut Legal Drama

      CBS

      9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST

      Don't bitch to us; you're the one who TiVo-ed past all the ads.

      11.04.2009

    • Letters to the Editor

      Dear The Onion,

      Thanks for keeping the whole DUI/stripper incident on the DL and off the front page. I owe you one.

      —J. Biden, Washington, D.C.

      11.04.2009

    • From the Print Edition

      Pigeon Trying To Act Nonchalant About Fresh Vomit On Sidewalk

      Pigeon Trying To Act Nonchalant About Fresh Vomit On Sidewalk

      11.03.2009

    • Stockwatch

      JCPenney

      As the hour of the wolf approaches and the fallow land begets stillborn crops, the slaving caste finds comfort only in great deals on Arizona jeans.

      11.03.2009

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      Jake Marino returned from the depths of the Orient bearing gifts: a baseball hat that says, "Japan," and a novelty necktie that says, "Japan."

      11.02.2009

    • From the Print Edition

      Biggest Mistake Of Life Dressed Up As Pumpkin

      Biggest Mistake Of Life Dressed Up As Pumpkin

      10.31.2009

    Issue Highlights

    • Neti Pot Genie Grants 3 Mucus-Related Wishes

    • Man's Recycling Ideals Abandoned During Move

    • Ability To Drum 'Wipeout' On Tabletop Passed Down To Son

    • Steinbrenner's Heart Monitor Flatlines As Yankees Make Final Out Of World Series

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