The Brewers' playoff push has run afoul of an unusual distraction, as sources close to the organization confirm that newly acquired husky starting pitcher... more
The Yankees won the World Series. So what? Go fuck yourself.
—Todd Baines, Philadelphia, PA
11.20.2009
Letters to the Editor
Dear The Onion,
I am canceling my subscription to your paper because I am getting together with my friends this week and we will need something to talk about.
—Wendy Pallow, Ann Arbor, MI
11.18.2009
Stockwatch
Internet users responded negatively when they learned the firm's "It's you" ad campaign was aimed directly at Marvin Holochwost, a second-year business major.
After a protracted turf war over the prime knitting table in the Citrus Heights Retirement Community rec room, a fragile détente was brokered between the Wheelies and the Walkers.
11.20.2009
National News Highlights
Roll over locations for news
Suzy Klessig shrugged and decided to stay married.
11.18.2009
National News Highlights
Roll over locations for news
The swirling crimson vortex of ones and zeroes above Google's corporate headquarters turned a bloodier shade of red after swallowing a fifth-grade math whiz visiting on a school field trip.
11.16.2009
TV Listings
Retired Guy Working At A Hardware Store
HGTV
8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST
Donny tells some chump right where to get off when the idiot doesn't even have the sense to bring in the lid of the paint he wants another can of.