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January 10, 2009 - January 16, 2009 | Issue 45•02

Survival Of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Closest Thing Man Got To Christmas Miracle

DUNDEE, IL—Amid the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, sometimes there's a little miracle in store for all of us. And that miracle was more or l...

Sixth Senate Page Dragged Away By Congressional Swamp Creature

issue 4502 | 01.10.09 | News

WASHINGTON—Metropolitan Police urged all national-level politicians and their staff to take caution when strolling around the Capitol alone on... more»
Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors' Treatment Of Colds

issue 4502 | 01.09.09 | News

WASHINGTON—What began as a small-scale racket has grown into a worldwide organization, with billions spent each year pushing its pro-nap,... more»
Terror Experts Warn Next 9/11 Could Fall On Different Date

issue 4502 | 01.06.09 | News

WASHINGTON—According to the Department of Homeland Security, the U.S. could soon find itself in a "very real" 5/25 scenario, as well as a... more»
Gallant Man Extremely Concerned About Drunk Woman's Welfare

issue 4502 | 01.09.09 | News In Brief

FORT WAYNE, IN—Derek Kriesel, 22, who shall heretofore be known far and wide as the stately prince of Shooters Sports Pub & Grub,... more»
People In Commercial Having More Fun With Camera Than Humanly Possible

issue 4502 | 01.08.09 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—According to sources, the people in a commercial for the Canon PowerShot S1100 IS digital camera have expressed a degree of... more»
Area Teen Accidentally Enters Teen Center

issue 4502 | 01.07.09 | News In Brief

SANDUSKY, OH—In a moment of confusion, area teenager Eric Dooley briefly walked into a local teen outreach center Tuesday, a place... more»
Single-Engine Cessna Crashes Into Bush

issue 4502 | 01.06.09 | News In Brief

CAMP DAVID, MD—The Federal Aviation Administration said engine failure was to blame for a pilot losing control of a four-seater Cessna... more»
Lazy Daredevil To Lie Across 12 Couches

issue 4502 | 01.05.09 | News In Brief

LAS VEGAS—In his greatest feat to date, lazy daredevil Pete "The Idler" Nucci will attempt to lie across 12 couches in under an hour... more»
Tim Gunn Takes Wizards Shopping For Less Hideous Uniforms

issue 4502 | 01.08.09 | Sports News

WASHINGTON—Fashion consultant and Project Runway host Tim Gunn surprised the Washington Wizards Monday by unexpectedly arriving at... more»
Consumer Electronics Show Shrinks

issue 4502 | 01.09.09 | American Voices

In the face of the struggling economy, the annual Consumer Electronics Show is expected to have fewer participants. What do you think? more»
Bank CEO Requests No Bonus

issue 4502 | 01.08.09 | American Voices

Following five quarters of declining profit, Bank of America CEO Kenneth Lewis has requested that he and other senior executives receive no... more»
China Cracking Down On Digital Pornography

issue 4502 | 01.07.09 | American Voices

In order to "purify the Internet's cultural environment and protect the healthy development of minors," the Chinese government is targeting search... more»
Franken Likely Winner

issue 4502 | 01.06.09 | American Voices

After nearly two months of recounts, Al Franken is the likely winner of the contested Minnesota Senate race. What do you think? more»
What Should Have Been Waffles Eaten For Breakfast

issue 4502 | 01.12.09 | Radio
97th Birthday Celebrated With Nurses Who Just Happened To Be On Duty

issue 4502 | 01.11.09 | Radio
Roommate Eats Emergency Preparedness Kit

issue 4502 | 01.10.09 | Radio
Vice President Cheney Seen Dragging Egg Sac Through West Wing

issue 4502 | 01.09.09 | Radio
New High-Tech Laugh-O-Meter Can Measure 1/1,000th Of A Titter

issue 4502 | 01.08.09 | Radio
Robbie Knievel Plans Transcontinental Wheelie

issue 4502 | 01.07.09 | Radio
Scientists Discover Pumpkin-Pie-Based Cancer Cure

issue 4502 | 01.06.09 | Radio
NASA Embarks On First Mission To Iowa

issue 4502 | 01.05.09 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - January 5, 2009

issue 4502 | 01.05.09 | Editorial Cartoon
New Dog Digs Up Old Dog

issue 4502 | 01.07.09 | News In Photos
Captain Asks Stranger To Keep Eye On Destroyer While He Runs To Bathroom

issue 4502 | 01.06.09 | News In Photos
People Like Food

issue 4502 | 01.07.09 | Commentary

These days it's hard to get people to agree on things. Some people like wearing shorts all the time, but other people think you always have... more»
I Have Completed Stage One Of Our Plan To Take Over The World

issue 4502 | 01.07.09 | Commentary

Bur #318 reporting: Primary objectives have been met. Ready Parent Organism Beta 51.2-6 for execution of Stage Two. I repeat: Stage... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4502 | 01.06.09 | Horoscopes
McDonald's Makeover

issue 4502 | 01.07.09 | Infographic

More than 30 years after its last redesign, McDonald's is again undergoing a major facelift. What will the new design features... more»
Where Are We Taking Our Visiting Parents?

issue 4502 | 01.07.09 | Statshot
Man Who Crossed Nation In Balloon Only Wants To Talk About Horse Abuse

issue 4502 | 01.06.09 | Video

Today Now! welcomes adventurer and balloonist Trent Montaug, who is determined to steer the conversation to the horrors of horse abuse. more»
Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

issue 4502 | 01.05.09 | Video

The MacBook Wheel lets consumers accomplish everyday tasks like typing with just a few dozen spins and clicks of a wheel. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4502 | 01.10.09 | Slideshow
Are You Emasculating Your Boyfriend? Make Him Take Our Quiz

issue 4502 | 01.09.09 | Sunday Magazine
Spark Of Humanity Fades From Mark Teixeira's Eyes After Signing With Yankees

issue 4502 | 01.08.09 | Photo Finish
Woman Recreating Famous Marilyn Monroe Photo Has Rat Blown Up Skirt

issue 4502 | 01.05.09 | Newswire
Strongerman Squeezes Phone Book Halves Back Together

issue 4502 | 01.05.09 | Newswire
Man Asked To Demonstrate How He Squirms Uncomfortably When Put On The Spot

issue 4502 | 01.05.09 | Newswire
Friend Wants To Know If That's Sister In Picture

issue 4502 | 01.05.09 | Newswire