Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 17, 2009 - January 23, 2009 | Issue 45•03

Difficult To Tell If T.J. Maxx Hit Hard By Recession

CHICAGO—While a majority of the nation's top retailers have reported a decided slump in 2008, economists studying the declining consumer markets are still unable to determine if...

Incompetent Staff Feels Underappreciated

issue 4503 | 01.17.09 | News

KNOXVILLE, TN—"A simple 'thanks' from the higher-ups would be nice," said Joseph Garten, who spends nearly 60 percent of his week making... more»
Man Gets Into Mess Usually Reserved For Stars Of Silent Film Era

issue 4503 | 01.16.09 | News

BOWLING GREEN, KY—"Either the poor bastard is getting smacked in the face with a wooden plank, or he's tumbling down a spiral staircase," said... more»
U.N. Acquires Nuclear Weapon

issue 4503 | 01.13.09 | News

NEW YORK—"Tremble before the might of this cooperative assembly of appointed representatives," said Ban Ki-moon, clutching a stack of... more»
Lesser Piece Of Paper Used To Test Pen's Viability

issue 4503 | 01.16.09 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—A lesser piece of paper—one of no practical utility and little overall consequence—was used Monday to test out the... more»
Facebook Friend Apparently Dead Now

issue 4503 | 01.15.09 | News In Brief

KANSAS CITY, MO—While checking his news feed for updates on the 438 people in his extended network Monday night, Tom Allessandro, 24,... more»
Blagojevich Just Getting Started

issue 4503 | 01.14.09 | News In Brief

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Hoo, boy, if you thought Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich had finished soliciting bribes from state officials,... more»
Spider Eggs Hatch In Bush's Brain

issue 4503 | 01.14.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—President Bush collapsed to the floor of the Oval Office during a meeting with advisers when spiderlings hatched from thousands of... more»
Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate

issue 4503 | 01.13.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—A team of nine specially trained handlers have successfully lured outgoing vice president Dick Cheney into a reinforced... more»
Bush Spends Day Feverishly Booby-Trapping Desk

issue 4503 | 01.12.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—In preparation for the traditional task of welcoming his successor to the Oval Office, outgoing president George W. Bush... more»
Horde Of Orange Monsters Exits Local Tanning Salon

issue 4503 | 01.12.09 | News In Brief

HOBOKEN, NJ—Terrifying every innocent bystanders in its wake, a menagerie of hideously hued orange beasts burst from the Hollywood Tans... more»
Charles Barkley Finally Gets That Blow Job

issue 4503 | 01.15.09 | Sports News

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Weeks after being arrested for driving under the influence while seeking out oral sex from a certain particularly skilled... more»
Gannett Forces Employees To Take Unpaid Week Off

issue 4503 | 01.16.09 | American Voices

The Gannett Company, publisher of 85 daily newspapers across the United States, is making all its employees take a weeklong unpaid furlough to... more»
Texans Elect First Jewish Speaker

issue 4503 | 01.15.09 | American Voices

Joe Straus, a Republican from San Antonio who has been elected speaker of the Texas House of Representatives, is the first Jew to hold the position... more»
Winehouse, Husband Divorcing

issue 4503 | 01.14.09 | American Voices

Blake Fielder-Civil has filed for divorce, claiming wife Amy Winehouse has been unfaithful. What do you think? more»
Health Insurance Expensive For Unemployed

issue 4503 | 01.13.09 | American Voices

A report from the group Families USA says that the cost of maintaining health insurance for a family under COBRA consumes, on average, nearly 84... more»
California's IOU Tax Refunds

issue 4503 | 01.12.09 | American Voices

Unless it is able to overcome a budget shortfall by February, California may be mailing out IOUs instead of tax refunds this year. What do... more»
Area Man Not For The Squeamish

issue 4503 | 01.19.09 | Radio
United Flight Crew Hits Up Passengers For Gas Money

issue 4503 | 01.18.09 | Radio
Coca-Cola Scholarship Just 15 Cases of Coke

issue 4503 | 01.17.09 | Radio
Neighborly Days Inn Guest Brings Welcome Basket To New People Across Hall

issue 4503 | 01.16.09 | Radio
Roommate Invited To Join Suicide Pact Out Of Politeness

issue 4503 | 01.15.09 | Radio
Lazy Nation Fears Obama Will Create Millions Of Jobs

issue 4503 | 01.14.09 | Radio
Startled Print Consultant Shoots Ink At Coworkers

issue 4503 | 01.13.09 | Radio
Report: Aspirin Taken Daily With Bottle Of Bourbon Reduces Awareness Of Heart Attacks

issue 4503 | 01.12.07 | Radio
Governor Lashes Out Against Cheap Scotch, Poorly Rolled Cigars

issue 4503 | 01.12.07 | Radio
2-Week Bender Just Flies By

issue 4503 | 01.12.07 | Radio
North Dakota Drinks Itself To Sleep Again

issue 4503 | 01.12.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - January 12, 2009

issue 4503 | 01.12.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Bush, Cheney Stand Back-To-Back, Cock Shotguns One Last Time

issue 4503 | 01.14.09 | News In Photos
Prescription Put In 2009 New Year's Eve Glasses

issue 4503 | 01.13.09 | News In Photos
This Short Story About A School Shooting Is Actually Pretty Good

issue 4503 | 01.14.09 | Commentary

Being a 10th-grade English teacher can be frustrating. I work hard to help my students improve their writing, but when it comes time to sit... more»
I Will Do Whatever It Takes To Restore Your Faith In My Excuses

issue 4503 | 01.14.09 | Commentary

I stand before you a humbled man. I know I've made a real mess of things lately, but if you just give me one more chance to make it right, I... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4503 | 01.13.09 | Horoscopes
GM Auctioning Off Classic Cars

issue 4503 | 01.14.09 | Infographic

In an effort to cut maintenance costs and generate capital, General Motors is auctioning off some 200 cars from its 1,000-plus... more»
How Are We Losing Holiday Weight?

issue 4503 | 01.14.09 | Statshot
Congress Debates Adding Elaborate Dance To Obama's Inauguration Ceremony

issue 4503 | 01.13.09 | Video

Rep. Cummings (D-VA) wants to mark Obama’s historic inauguration with an intricately choreographed dance piece of his own creation. more»
Survivors Of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss Of Gasoline

issue 4503 | 01.12.09 | Video

Community members who didn't burn to death are struggling to accept the devastating loss of so much premium fuel. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4503 | 01.17.09 | Slideshow
Michael Dewley Through The Years

issue 4503 | 11.05.08 | Slideshow
Slimming Down To Fit Into Your Superbowl Outfit

issue 4503 | 01.16.09 | Sunday Magazine
Colts Retire Tony Dungy's Sweater Vest

issue 4503 | 01.15.09 | Photo Finish
Fuck Not Given About Brother-In-Law's Promotion

issue 4503 | 01.12.09 | Newswire
Imagination Transforms Cardboard Tube Into Cardboard Tube For Watching Television Through

issue 4503 | 01.12.09 | Newswire
DreamWorks Hard At Work On Whichever Number 'Shrek' This Is

issue 4503 | 01.12.09 | Newswire
Grandma Shushed

issue 4503 | 01.12.09 | Newswire