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January 24, 2009 - January 30, 2009 | Issue 45•04

Mattress King Selects Wife From Small Wisconsin Village

OSHKOSH, WI—Joyous tidings were trumpeted throughout the hamlets of central Wisconsin this week after 43-year-old Mattress King James Koepke III, Lord and Master of a vast bed and box-spring empire, selected...

Area Teen Up To Something

issue 4504 | 01.24.09 | News

GREENFIELD, OH—"I don't like how I can't see his face," said a resident, who attributed the teen’s behavior to the music industry's lack of... more»
Tina Turner Burns Down Legs For Insurance Money

issue 4504 | 01.23.09 | News

LOS ANGELES—When confronted with police evidence, Turner claimed to remember seeing several hooded teenagers sneaking around her legs the night... more»
Obama Inauguration Speech Ruined By Incessant Jackhammering

issue 4504 | 01.21.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"Well, I know one guy who doesn't need a job," said the new president, growing more annoyed as it became clear that the thumping was... more»
Foreman Whips Up Special Batch Of Concrete For Favorite Customer

issue 4504 | 01.23.09 | News In Brief

OMAHA, NE—Schultz Concrete Company foreman Al Grayson, 42, mixed up a home-made vat of his finest concrete blend Tuesday for Brenner... more»
Man Always Attempts To Intercept Tossed Things

issue 4504 | 01.22.09 | News In Brief

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—According to sources at McNamara Advertising Inc., junior account executive Matthew Burns, 28, will attempt to catch or... more»
Inauguration Crowd Moves To White House Gates To Watch Presidency Happen

issue 4504 | 01.21.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Moments after witnessing the historic inauguration of President Barack Obama Tuesday, the massive, euphoric crowd shifted to... more»
Hillary Clinton Mouthing Along To Presidential Oath

issue 4504 | 01.20.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—Network news cameras covering Barack Obama's inauguration ceremony Tuesday captured Hillary Clinton silently moving her... more»
Bush Dies Peacefully In His Sleep

issue 4504 | 01.20.09 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON—George W. Bush, 43rd president of the United States of America, passed away painlessly in his sleep Monday night, White... more»
Vacation To Israel Canceled Due To History Of Israel

issue 4504 | 01.19.09 | News In Brief

HOBOKEN, NJ—With only three weeks to go before embarking on a much-anticipated vacation to Israel, 34-year-old Jeff Kaufmann made the... more»
Beaten, Bloodied T.J. Houshmandzadeh Hoping Obama Closes Gitmo Soon

issue 4504 | 01.22.09 | Sports News

GUANTÁNAMO BAY, CUBA—News that President Obama had called an immediate halt to detainee prosecutions came as a "welcome relief" to the... more»
Kennedy Removes Self From Senate Consideration

issue 4504 | 01.26.09 | American Voices

Caroline Kennedy, the daughter of President John F. Kennedy, has withdrawn her bid to replace Hillary Clinton in the Senate. What do... more»
New Virus Infects One In 16 PCs

issue 4504 | 01.23.09 | American Voices

A computer scan by Panda Security showed that almost 6 percent of Windows systems were infected with the Conficker/Downanup worm, which harvests... more»
New President, New Website

issue 4504 | 01.22.09 | American Voices

WhiteHouse.gov, the official website of the president and vice president, was relaunched Tuesday and includes links to Obama's weekly video address... more»
More Peanut Butter Products Recalled

issue 4504 | 01.21.09 | American Voices

As more cases of peanut-butter-related salmonella pop up, more products are being recalled, including cookies, snack bars, and ice cream. What... more»
Democrats In Control

issue 4504 | 01.20.09 | American Voices

For the first time in 14 years, the Democrats have control of the White House and both houses of Congress. What do you think? more»
Obama To Close Guantanamo

issue 4504 | 01.19.09 | American Voices

President-elect Barack Obama is planning to issue an executive order to close the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay on his first day in office.... more»
Search Area For Remote-Controlled Plane Expanded To Bushes

issue 4504 | 01.26.09 | Radio
4 Careers Killed In Film Shooting

issue 4504 | 01.25.09 | Radio
Species Makes Unwelcome Comeback

issue 4504 | 01.24.09 | Radio
Donatella Versace Lays Deposit Of Sleek Leather Pouches

issue 4504 | 01.23.09 | Radio
CEO Lays Off 5,000 Workers To Impress Girlfriend

issue 4504 | 01.22.09 | Radio
No One At White House Knows What To Do With Old Pair Of Rumsfeld's Pants

issue 4504 | 01.21.09 | Radio
New Martha Stewart Recipe A Message To Enemies

issue 4504 | 01.20.09 | Radio
President Bush Reaches Out To Nation's Fallen Bees

issue 4504 | 01.19.07 | Radio
Bush Deploys 20,000 Wishful Thoughts To Iraq

issue 4504 | 01.19.07 | Radio
President Bush Gives Up Presidency For True Love

issue 4504 | 01.19.07 | Radio
Bush's Approval Rating Remains High On eBay

issue 4504 | 01.19.07 | Radio
President Bush Invokes Executive Superpowers

issue 4504 | 01.19.07 | Radio
President Bush Designates 1 Million Acres For Federally Protected Water Parks

issue 4504 | 01.19.07 | Radio
President Bush Escapes From Weekly Bath

issue 4504 | 01.19.07 | Radio
Bush Lifts Ban On Vigilantism

issue 4504 | 01.19.07 | Radio
Bush Finds Error In Fermilab Calculations

issue 4504 | 01.19.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - January 19, 2009

issue 4504 | 01.19.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Bully Tragically Trusted To Sign Arm Cast

issue 4504 | 01.21.09 | News In Photos
Joe Biden Shows Up To Inauguration With Ponytail

issue 4504 | 01.20.09 | News In Photos
Hey Man, You Got A Second So I Can Fire You?

issue 4504 | 01.21.09 | Commentary

How are we doing today? How we doin'? Great, great. You're looking good. Love the shirt. Let me guess: Christmas present? Knew it. Great. Hey... more»
Take Time To Talk To Your Child About Whatever Crap They Like

issue 4504 | 01.21.09 | Commentary

Being a parent isn't easy. If you're anything like me, you know it's hard to find enough hours in the day for working, sleeping, and raising... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4504 | 01.20.09 | Horoscopes
Security Measures For The Inauguration

issue 4504 | 01.21.09 | Infographic
Most Frequently Heard Words In Obama's Inauguration Speech

issue 4504 | 01.20.09 | Statshot
Police Say School Shooter Had Troubled Past, History Of School Shootings

issue 4504 | 01.20.09 | Video

Teachers may have overlooked a number of red flags, including Bobby Knowles' turbulent home life, violent writing, and previous school shootings. more»
Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size

issue 4504 | 01.19.09 | Video

In Beyond The Facts, we examine how Bratz are convincing a generation of girls that to be hip and beautiful they have to have gigantic heads. more»
The Rise Of Obama

issue 4504 | 01.22.09 | Slideshow
Michael Jordan Opens Up About Acting In Hanes Commercials

issue 4504 | 01.23.09 | Sunday Magazine
Dan Rooney Crushed Beneath Weight Of Lamar Hunt Trophy

issue 4504 | 01.22.09 | Photo Finish
Other Robert Sized Up

issue 4504 | 01.19.09 | Newswire
Guy Who Can't Ride Horse Judged By Guys Who Can Ride Horse

issue 4504 | 01.19.09 | Newswire
Happiness Riding On Strength Of Wireless Connection

issue 4504 | 01.19.09 | Newswire
New 'André Alert' Put Out If Gold Chain Goes Missing

issue 4504 | 01.19.09 | Newswire