Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 31, 2009 - February 6, 2009 | Issue 45•05

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

CHIPOTLE—In a lunchtime incident significant enough to warrant you pause, an employee at the fast food Mexican restaurant Chipotle has just dispensed to you a smaller serving of...

Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

issue 4505 | 01.31.09 | News

SHERIDAN, OR—"Honestly, what am I supposed to do now?" First-time inmate Martin Hayes asked. "Sit-Ups? Did some already. And I finished the... more»
Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish

issue 4505 | 01.30.09 | News

AOMORI, JAPAN—"He was so hot and exotic-looking," said 17 year-old Misaki Nakajima, referring to the obese, unemployed character played by John... more»
Obama Disappointed Cabinet Failed To Understand His Reference To 'Savage Sword Of Conan' #24

issue 4505 | 01.27.09 | News

WASHINGTON—President Obama received confused silence upon suggesting that his staff might have to "team up with Taurus of Nemedia" to secure... more»
Genetic Experiment Goes Horribly Right

issue 4505 | 01.30.09 | News In Brief

PASADENA, CA—A grotesque and unsettling genetic experiment in which human corneal tissue was grown on the backs of naked mole rats has... more»
Bouncer Moved To Tears By Tale Of Friends Already In Club

issue 4505 | 01.29.09 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Zenith Lounge bouncer Keith Murphy, 25, openly wept Saturday after hearing the heart-wrenching story of two young men waiting... more»
Country CD Put On To Impress Repair Guy

issue 4505 | 01.28.09 | News In Brief

WILMETTE, IL—In an effort to impress repairman Jason Delmar, 29, whom he called to fix a malfunctioning dishwasher, local resident... more»
Blagojevich Claims Behavior Was Just Elaborate Plan To Surprise Patrick Fitzgerald With Senate Nomination On His Birthday

issue 4505 | 01.27.09 | News In Brief

SPRINGFIELD, IL—As his impeachment trial began Monday, Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich kicked off a national media tour to explain... more»
Area Woman Encouraged By Sight Of Other Woman Drinking Beer Alone At Airport Bar

issue 4505 | 01.27.09 | News In Brief

DES MOINES, IA—While en route to visit her cousin in South Bend, local divorcee Janet Linden, 37, told reporters Monday that her... more»
Dennis Quaid Not Up For Any Oscars

issue 4505 | 01.26.09 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—The nominees for the 81st annual Academy Awards were announced Thursday, with veteran actor Dennis Quaid receiving no nods... more»
Super Bowl XLIII Spontaneously Breaks Out On Media Day

issue 4505 | 01.29.09 | Sports News

TAMPA BAY, FL—In what started as a midfield photo opportunity between opposing team captains and ended as a hard-fought 60-minute... more»
Octuplets Doing Well

issue 4505 | 01.30.09 | American Voices

The second set of octuplets born in the United States is doing well, with all reportedly breathing on their own. What do you think? more»
Football Players Suffering Brain Damage

issue 4505 | 01.29.09 | American Voices

Doctors have found a type of brain damage usually associated with boxers in six NFL players who died at age 50 or younger. What do you think? more»
55,000 Laid Off Monday

issue 4505 | 01.28.09 | American Voices

More than 55,000 Americans lost their jobs Monday, with companies such as Caterpillar, Sprint, and Home Depot each laying off several thousand... more»
Second Deadly Monster Truck Accident

issue 4505 | 01.27.09 | American Voices

Eight days after a 6-year-old boy was killed at a monster truck rally in Tacoma, WA, a promoter was struck and killed this weekend at a truck show... more»
Area Man Gets Badass Community Service Tattoo

issue 4505 | 02.02.09 | Radio
357 Maharishis Missing, Feared Dead In Astral Plane Crash

issue 4505 | 02.01.09 | Radio
Heartbroken Demolitions Expert Throws Himself Into His Work

issue 4505 | 01.31.09 | Radio
9th Pair Of Doublemint Twins Is Dead

issue 4505 | 01.30.09 | Radio
Entire U.S. Stealing Cable TV From Greg

issue 4505 | 01.29.09 | Radio
Local Man's Seizure Was Coolest Thing Anyone's Ever Seen

issue 4505 | 01.28.09 | Radio
Disney Puts On Magical Parade Of Layoffs

issue 4505 | 01.27.09 | Radio
New Solar System Discovered 4 Feet From Earth

issue 4505 | 01.26.07 | Radio
Astronomers Admit They Made Neptune Up

issue 4505 | 01.26.07 | Radio
Hubble Space Telescope Finds Men From Venus, Women From Mars

issue 4505 | 01.26.07 | Radio
Pepsi To Probe Mars For Possible 16-To-23-Year-Olds

issue 4505 | 01.26.07 | Radio
Editorial Cartoon - January 26, 2009

issue 4505 | 01.26.09 | Editorial Cartoon
Secluded Cabin In Woods Filled With Big Plans For America

issue 4505 | 01.28.09 | News In Photos
Oh Wait, Area Man Not Paul

issue 4505 | 01.27.09 | News In Photos
I Don't Define Myself By My Ability To Travel Between Dimensions

issue 4505 | 01.28.09 | Commentary

I can see it in their eyes. They're thinking, "Hey, look. It's the dimension-jumping guy!" "Come on, dude who isn't bound by time or... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: The Israeli Conflict Is Far Too Nuanced And Complex To Sum Up In One Op-Ed/Not If You Hate Jews!

issue 4505 | 01.28.09 | Point-Counterpoint

For as long as I can remember, the Israelis and Palestinians have been in conflict. And for as long as I can remember, there have been... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4505 | 01.27.09 | Horoscopes
Business Bankruptcies Looming In 2009

issue 4505 | 01.28.09 | Infographic

Thus far, 2009 is shaping up to be a tough year for businesses, with three large companies—telecommunications giant Nortel,... more»
Why Aren't We On Facebook?

issue 4505 | 01.28.09 | Statshot
How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping And Severing Your Spine

issue 4505 | 01.27.09 | Video

Author Jerry Bloom visits Today Now to explain how you can make your kitchen floor shine without falling and paralyzing yourself for life. more»
Kim Jong Il Announces Plan To Bring Moon To North Korea

issue 4505 | 01.26.09 | Video

From Onion News Network International: North Korea's space program will capture the moon and bring it home, a feat no Western nation could accomplish. more»
The Week In Review

issue 4505 | 02.04.09 | Slideshow
What Are You Waiting For? Somebody To Give You A Kiss, You Fucking Baby?

issue 4505 | 01.30.09 | Sunday Magazine
Overexcited Super Bowl Grounds Crew Paints Wrong Lines On Field

issue 4505 | 01.29.09 | Photo Finish
Gap Closing Between Chest Hair, Underarm Hair

issue 4505 | 01.27.09 | Newswire
Callyook43 Is Typing

issue 4505 | 01.27.09 | Newswire
Home Gym Loses Only Member

issue 4505 | 01.27.09 | Newswire
Marriage Proposal Enters 5th 'And I Know' Clause

issue 4505 | 01.27.09 | Newswire